Jim,
You contributed to my mental decline. And not taking that responsibility for your actions in this is absolutely WRONG of you.
You promised me a safe space. You cannot provide such a place because your mood swings are too violent and unpredictable for me. And they are triggering. Examples: what I see because I’m observant is this: Anger, frustration, snapping. All over little things that shouldn’t be a big deal.
1) you avoid situations. Convincing yourself you need to be fearful. This is probably my biggest problem with the majority of your behaviors. And it makes me a hostage to you and your feelings. I cannot move forward when you avoid me. This is a really big problem for your employees as well. Making Kavi and Em deal with your divorce because you didn’t want to was detrimental for you. You almost lost Kavi. I prevented that by telling you the truth, truth you were angry to hear. I love you enough to tell you when your behavior is affecting your employees. They feel like hostages to your mood swings too. FYI. I am a hostage to Angie’s schedule for getting my things back. Point here Jim is yesterday was three days. You didn’t contact me. What that behavior says to me is I have to wait on you. Something im not good at. Waiting for others to get their shit together. And you’re treating me like a dangerous animal. Something I don’t want or need from you.
2) BLAME: man this one is literally too much for me to bare. You blame me for your feelings and expect me just to fucking take it. This is something that not only I cannot take but isn’t ok from a friend let alone a lover. I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR FEELINGS. THEY ARE YOURS AND HOW YOU EXPRESS THEM IS DAMAGING.
I have felt like an outsider in this relationship, especially since you and Angie just fell into a pattern and I was just supposed to go along with it. There was no real discussion, it was just you saying this works don’t fuck with it. I’m a guest. I can’t say it’s not working for me, because any time I bring up future plans you, snap at me, get frustrated with me and generally just fucking angry. You treat angie and I differently. You will talk to her. Me you snap, yell, get frustrated. Those actions have consequences, Jim. Just driving me further and further away. And i feel like you cannot be communicated with when you do those things. So when were you going to try to make me feel safe by discussing next steps for me? Anytime I brought it up I felt nothing but anger from you.You and Angie believe that there is a proper way to behave: rather than the mess that life is. I feel like anytime I didn’t comport to what YOU thought was right the two of you ganged up on me. My part in this was being very intimidated by the fact that both of you went to college. And that I just wasn’t smart enough. You and Angie are just now begging your journey to proper communication, something i have had to learn for the last 20 years. You two are too far behind me to make this work. I had the same problems in my marriage and obviously it makes me triggered when you treat me that way.
In this same vain on the shit show relationship we did have because of the lack of communication: I don’t feel like you really know anything about me. For if you did you’d understand that I won’t take communication from you through a third party because it’s such an issue for you to confront things. That I’m not as dangerous as your making me out to be. I’m in a home rn with a Marine who has guns and sharp knives and isn’t treating me like you are treating me. And yes he is aware that I tried to commit suicide. His wife slapped me and it felt like love. If I ever meant anything to you other than an avatar of sexuality then some kind of understanding and kindness was needed when you showed up to take me to the crisis center. But again all I faced was your anger. Seeing a pattern here yet, Jim, anger. It’s a theme with you. And it’s just not ok man.
Oh and the pregnancy scare: here is another situation where I felt alone. You were ANGRY!?!! Like what the actual fuck man?!? You cry and cry and cry over not being able to have children again. Here I think I may be pregnant and what a wonderful gift that would be for you, and for 10seconds before you became in raged I thought wow this might actually be fun with Jim. Then you dashed any sort of communication because you were angry and shut down. I had to suggest a pregnancy test. I had to go get it myself in the middle of the night. Like where were you in this situation? No where to be found. I had to handle it. Not the two of us.. just fucking me man. I found out I wasn’t. You asked me once how are you? Im not even sure you actually heard what I said about that situation then never checked in with me again on how I felt. I was devastated. Hurt. Angry. Sad. And above all things ALONE. Because my feelings didn’t really matter to you. Just how you felt. Jim, you asked me to go back to coming up just on weekends. Do you not remember that? You said that to me Monday night. That’s tantamount to saying to me: I love the sex but I hate everything else about you because I have shitty communication skills. You broke up with me when you asked things to go back to weekends and blamed me for not being able to move through your own feelings and get work done. I have told you over and over and over again BLAMING me was the wrong course of action. But it’s what you do. I have to learn to accept that. Because I see no progress to changing these behaviors. Sure you’re not crying over Ashley all the time. But you are angry and emotionally unstable. I see now what everyone went through before I started taking medication. I was exactly like you, frustrated and angry 75% of the time. That doesn’t happen to me as much unless I’m triggered or feel like I’m not being communicated with.
I refuse to be held hostage by your schedule or feelings. And you’re holding me hostage by not dealing with a situation you helped create with your anger and lack of communication. Please stop avoiding me.
I was FAWNING out. I made you more important than my feelings or wants or needs. That’s why I stepped up and broke up with you. Because you blamed me for not being able to work (cardinal sin in my opinion) and for the fact that you have a hard time processing feelings. You blamed me for that. That was absolutely WRONG of you. You have no compassion for me. And that’s something I desperately need rn.
I now have to set boundaries with you. Because I don’t see any other options for myself.
1) I don’t need you treating me like a dangerous animal.
2) your mood swings are dangerous for me. Especially when you lack communication skills that could work these things out.
3) I came out here for YOU. I left everything and anything that I have ever known to be here. And while I was in severe pain I pushed you away. I’m not asking for you to completely support me but I do need help until I get onto my feet. A plan from you on how you intend to complete this task is required.
4)I don’t like you telling my story for me. You leave out important information because you’re a writer. I’d like therapy sessions with Sabrina remotely.
5) once you have given me a plan, I will need it by end of business today. I will be blocking you. We can maybe try this friendship shit in 6 months. But until then I need space from your craziness. Until you have made some serious progress on communication it’s not healthy for me to be around you.
6) being among humans who can communicate has made me realize I’m not as crazy as your making me out to be.
The lawyer cost 447.00 not even $500 for me to get divorced.
I cannot get an apartment when you aren’t communicating with me. You said you’d help. But here is another situation where you are avoiding me and keeping me hostage to you.
Things need to be worked out. And I absolutely hate that you’re treating me like I’m a dangerous animal that wishes to hurt you. I don’t want to live in Aurora. In fact I don’t want to leave Ft. Collins. You’d know where I was if you checked my location. That I have never stopped sharing with you. Don’t know how to work it Angie does and she can show you.
Point here Jim is you made promises and your avoiding them.
Keeping me bound to you. Just step the fuck up so we can deal with this and be done with one another.
Hand delivered by Cornish pixies