How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Work's going badly, I fucked up a task and made a load more work for everyone to fix it even with my help, and it looks like I'm going to miss a deadline for a bunch of things I'm working on. I had a cry in the toilets for five minutes yesterday, I don't even remember the last time I cried (I'm east coast Scottish, we don't do feelings, I was raised better than that, my family and I don't even cry at funerals FFS) so my brain chemistry must be fucked. Partly it's PMS I suspect, but that's no excuse, that's my problem to manage. I hate people who cry and act all overemotional and childish (it's a manipulation tactic and an indulgence, it's basically flexing that you have such high status that you can afford to risk your credibility by throwing a fit), and I don't ever want to be like that. I just need to lock in, focus and fix shit now.
AIDShaver69 powiedział(a):
I'm in the car with a shitton of weed ready to try to overdose on my anti-psychotics again cause I'm a pussy.
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That's a terrible method, though pretty much every method has a big risk of surviving it and ending up so fucked that you can't finish the job. My mum's a retired gasman and she had a girl on her operating list who'd attempted suicide and survived, but she'd got hypoxic brain damage from the attempt and was now paralysed, doubly incontinent and still depressed and suicidal, but now she had all these other problems on top. That risk kept me from attempting it. Don't take the risk, it's better to live and find other ways to fix the ideation and potentially have a better life. One day you'll die anyway so you won't have to wait long, no sense in trying to hurry it up and making your remaining life far worse.
 
Ostatnio edytowane:
souschef powiedział(a):
utterly fucked

I'm tired but i can't sleep. I close my eyes and my ape brain starts doing fireworks. And i already offered to cover morning classes today in addition to the afternoon ones

Let's just hope i don't accidentally amputate one of my fingers in the process. No sense in trying to sleep anymore
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When you sleep, perhaps you will dream of a British's man's unorthodox 'cooking'
 
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upgraded from an s10 to an s26 ultra. i have photographed milhouse in excellent quality.
 
I hope everyone who has recently shared their struggles in this thread finds some peace, and I'm sorry some shitbirds are shitting up the thread meant for us to support each other. Please hang in there. You can get through this. Yes, even you.
 
I'm a little upset. At work when they mop the bathroom floor, they put a wet floor sign out. And they leave it out for a long time past when the floor is dry. And when you pass by the sign has Spanish on it that reads "piso mojado". And piso seems really close to piss. So when I read it, it makes me think the sign is alerting me to someone having pissed all over the floor. And that's not a pleasant thing to think about.
 
Currently have two jobs, making more money than I ever have (if I even said something in the range of the number I'd feel like the biggest sham, how do I make this much?), putting money into savings even while taking vacations and having good times with the kids...

And I'm terrified all the time.

Being the breadwinner is such a scary thing. And you can't really talk about it with anyone. I know all this AI shit is a bubble and my sector is doomed. I know my main full-time job is probably on borrowed time. And the part-time extra job, well, the boss might have AI psychosis, and navigating that is...tricky. My full-time job is awful and stressful and I hate it entirely, but I just started less than a year ago and don't want to have it be a short stint on my resume. The part-time job keeps dangling the possibility of me going full-time but I absolutely do not trust that for a moment.

You don't need to worry, people tell me. Ever since I went back to school and got my degree, I have always been good at getting new jobs when I'm out a job. And even if I lost my job and couldn't find one that paid as much, even if we had to downsize our house we have enough equity to damn near buy a smaller place in a less desirable area not too far from us in cash. Probably wouldn't have a pool, but we'd live and maybe put one in when times got better. But my thoughts are totally filled with fears of "the other shoe drops."

At least I have good life insurance policies so that if the other shoe really did drop, my family would be able to keep going.

I always thought if I built all these backstops into my life, I'd finally stop dwelling on the idea that it could all be taken away in an instant. But every year that the kids get more used to our current lifestyle, I dread even more the idea of backsliding on that. I came of age in real, deep poverty, the kind where you treat your own medical and dental problems because you have no way to pay anyone to fix them and don't want to be in debt. The kind where you check the couch cushions for change because if you could scrounge up enough you might be able to get a couple packets of ramen after burning dinner and having no alternative food in the house (nope, no change, had to eat the charred dry chicken, it tasted like charcoal smells).

And I guess I'll never really get over it. That's what I've realized. I don't even think winning the lottery would ever make me get over it. There'd always be the feeling that maybe something terrible would happen and it would all go away. A taste of honey's worse than none at all.

I fully expect to be back here in a matter of weeks to months discussing how shitty I feel about losing one or both of my jobs, and how hopeless. Til then, I'll be worrying about it!
 
I'm in this weird spot where I need to be "better" (for this shitty python class) but I have no idea where to start. I guess I know where to start but I don't have much runway before I have to figure out wtf is next.

Also I've been feeling rather existential lately grappling with the fact that it seems like most people just fall off the face of the planet post-school. I ask people what they do and its just muh videogames, weightlifting and then martial arts (if i ask people at my mma gym lol) and then if they have families they #FAMILYCUCK and devote all their time to their wife and kids which isn't a bad thing but how do people just end up with not meeting any new people at all? Just things staying the same or infact slightly getting worse as people move/die/etc. It just feels like your social life ends after 25 and you're just john doe, oracle virtual machine engineer or whatever you do for work.
 
SOLDIER OF WALES powiedział(a):
I'm in this weird spot where I need to be "better" (for this shitty python class) but I have no idea where to start. I guess I know where to start but I don't have much runway before I have to figure out wtf is next.

Also I've been feeling rather existential lately grappling with the fact that it seems like most people just fall off the face of the planet post-school. I ask people what they do and its just muh videogames, weightlifting and then martial arts (if i ask people at my mma gym lol) and then if they have families they #FAMILYCUCK and devote all their time to their wife and kids which isn't a bad thing but how do people just end up with not meeting any new people at all? Just things staying the same or infact slightly getting worse as people move/die/etc. It just feels like your social life ends after 25 and you're just john doe, oracle virtual machine engineer or whatever you do for work.
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Work, the gym and hobby groups are a good place to meet like-minded people, as are religious or volunteering groups where you do stuff together or have a common goal or ideals. Families tend to meet people through their kids, they meet other parents through the kids' school or hobby clubs and help out with those and make friends that way. It's a bit easier with the Internet now, my autistic mum never socialised much when I was a kid but now she's found a local bridge club and spergs about cards and probabilities and bidding systems with other autistic old people and has a great time.
 
Laying on my bed feeling like I'm wasting my time, yet, had I been doing the same after returning home from my previous job, I would've been stressed to bits. It's crazy how freeing manual labor employment is. No workphone to bring home, no deadlines, no nothing.
Hongourable Madisha powiedział(a):
I hate people who cry and act all overemotional
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It's called "going for a drive", buddy.
Hongourable Madisha powiedział(a):
Work, the gym and hobby groups are a good place to meet like-minded people, as are religious or volunteering groups where you do stuff together or have a common goal or ideals.
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Genuinely, how often do you see an adult with a somewhat functional social life go "yeah so I joined a new book club". I feel like 'joining a group' is this catch-all solution all of us suggest yet none act on because it's impossible. What, a D&D group on Facebook, to find a few other autists with equally little going on in their lives but somehow seem even worse off than you?

I've had a friend who got hooked on volunteering, made a ton of 'friends' yet never went past talking at the function. No numbers, no adding one another. Half were there for the linkedin karam and the other jumped from social thing to social thing, paying no specific mind to any one specific. I'd argue religion is almost one of the last, but how would you even engage in that beyond attending sermon? Join an event called uh, "Sunday knitting"? Sure you'll meet nice replacement grandmas but that's about it.

Then again, people rot away in their homes. All it takes is one event or club trial a week. I think most of us would accept being kidnapped at our most worn-out if it meant 2 hours with new people in a friendly space, but it just doesn't happen. One positive thing though is that the feeling of 'everyone is out there living their best life but me' is slowly dying. I see 9/10 chuds and chudettes stay single, fuck around and get their hearts broken, unable to get jobs after their perfect degree in finances. We're all equally fucked and with the growing dislike of modern tech, we might soon one day reach the Great Reset, where people go "aight fuck it lads. who wanna get started on being pub-go'ers?"
 
A year ago, I picked up a book about antiques. The problem that I have been facing is that I have only made it a quarter of the way through the book because antiques are boring as shit. For the past year, every time I have thought about reading a book, I just thought about how boring antiques are and ended up shitposting on the farms instead. In the past, I have not wanted to drop the book just in case it gets interesting later on, however, after thinking about it for a while, I have decided that it won't get interesting later on because antiques are boring, so I have finally decided to abandon it and read something else.
 
I've had the last barbeque today at this place with my friend (yes, we reconciled). Started early, around 8 am, quickly bought the meat and garnish, chopped it, put it in the marinade, started a fire, cooked everything and then a little more, eating all we bought eventually. I can't say it was the best roast on an open fire I've ever done, actually the first batch was pretty dry, I can't say I wasn't worrying over time flying quickly while I need to pack my shit and prepare to leave, but I can say for sure that it sucked we didn't buy more and started another fire, since that was the only time in a while when I felt peace. Maybe because I was busy, maybe because I didn't give a damn about usual shit, but it was great. Too bad it is not going to happen again any time soon.
 
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