Work's going badly, I fucked up a task and made a load more work for everyone to fix it even with my help, and it looks like I'm going to miss a deadline for a bunch of things I'm working on. I had a cry in the toilets for five minutes yesterday, I don't even remember the last time I cried (I'm east coast Scottish, we don't do feelings, I was raised better than that, my family and I don't even cry at funerals FFS) so my brain chemistry must be fucked. Partly it's PMS I suspect, but that's no excuse, that's my problem to manage. I hate people who cry and act all overemotional and childish (it's a manipulation tactic and an indulgence, it's basically flexing that you have such high status that you can afford to risk your credibility by throwing a fit), and I don't ever want to be like that. I just need to lock in, focus and fix shit now.
I'm in the car with a shitton of weed ready to try to overdose on my anti-psychotics again cause I'm a pussy.
That's a terrible method, though pretty much every method has a big risk of surviving it and ending up so fucked that you can't finish the job. My mum's a retired gasman and she had a girl on her operating list who'd attempted suicide and survived, but she'd got hypoxic brain damage from the attempt and was now paralysed, doubly incontinent and
still depressed and suicidal, but now she had all these other problems on top. That risk kept me from attempting it. Don't take the risk, it's better to live and find other ways to fix the ideation and potentially have a better life. One day you'll die anyway so you won't have to wait long, no sense in trying to hurry it up and making your remaining life far worse.
