Thank you for making this thread! I am looking forward to you completing the narcissism chapter. Narcissism sometimes runs in families and I hear it can also infect others socially via narcissism by proxy.
I find the methods of control that narcissists use very interesting to read about as I like to know what to look for! Here is a rough outline of the typical abuse cycle with some examples if anyone else wants (or needs) to know.
IDEALIZATION/ LOVE BOMBING
Constant communication, attention, affection and compliments to secure devotion, make the partner feel seen and adored: Fosters intimacy and dependency to gain control and power.
Mirroring (fabricating identity) - Mimicking opinions, values, emotions and interests: This creates an intense false bond / 'soulmate' connection to gain trust and gather more information.
Data Gathering - They learn everything about a person: Their history, preferences and vulnerabilities so can be used as ammunition later.
DEVALUATION
Once commitment has been acquired the narcissist will then switch to cold indifference, verbal abuse and harsh criticism. The goal at this stage is to make the victim feel worthless, insecure and more dependent, trying harder to please the narcissist.
Triangulation and "choosing" - A third person is brought into the dynamic to create conflict, jealousy or validation: Divide and conquer, this feeds their ego.
Gaslighting and verbal abuse - Shaming, insults and backhanded compliments. Finding faults, using sarcasm, attacking personal insecurities.
Monitoring and surveillance - Constant monitoring, depending on their access this could include: Social surveillance (exploiting friends and family members for information), showing up unannounced, installing hidden GPS trackers or smart devices with microphones to eavesdrop on surroundings and/or spyware on phones and computers to monitor any private messages.
Stonewalling: - Used to devalue and cause emotional distress to punish the partner in order to force them to comply or apologize:
- Physical withdrawal such as walking away and door slamming.
- Dismissive gestures like eye rolling, smirking, ignoring your presence.
- One word answers or dismissive phrases like "shut up" or "go away".
- The "Silent Treatment" Total refusal to communicate, lasting days/weeks/months.
- Using a third party to convey messages such as a child.
DISCARD
When the partner no longer provides sufficient "supply" (ego-boosting) or becomes too difficult to control or if they want to "upgrade", the narcissist abruptly ends the relationship.
Cold, abrupt abandonment ("ghosting") without explanation or "slow discard" after a period of devaluation. Usually replaced instantly by an new object of affection ("new supply"), oftentimes they will secure a new partner before leaving to ensure ego needs are still met.
Smear Campaign - Used to control narratives and gain sympathy and "supply", the narcissist may attempt to ruin the victim's reputation through lies, gossip and manipulation in order to isolate the victim from their support network, forcing friends and colleagues to take sides.
Some discards are permanent while others are "temporary" (a tactical move to make the partner insecure and more submissive.)
HOOVERING
Optional next step: If they need something or wish to regain control they will attempt to "suck" the former or distancing partner back in by making them feel loved and missed.
- Love-bombing: Sudden over-whelming affection, gifts and compliments
- False apologies: Promising to change, get therapy etc.
- Triangulation (flying-monkeys) : Using friends and family to send messages, gather information or plead on their behalf.
- Manufactured crises: Fake illness or emergencies, threatening self-harm
- "Accidental" contact: "Accidentally" texting, emailing or liking a social media post to see if you respond.
- Negative hoovering: If being nice doesn't work they may resort to threats, stalking or smearing the victim's reputation to evoke an emotional response.
