How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Insomnia is back with a vengeance. Slept maybe three hours without hitting deep sleep at all, now woke up an hour before my alarm. I don't feel that destroyed, though, body and mind must've gotten used to it somewhat.
Otterly powiedział(a):
Stress and anxiety can really mess up your sleep.
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Definitely the case for me regarding stress. This month my menu is full of bullshit, money is tight, got, most likely, an operation coming up that i've been putting off for about two years by now, money is tight etc. and the first thing that went, as usual, is my sleep.

My younger brother is also making some, in my eyes, big mistakes in his young life right now and it stresses me the fuck out, too. Mistakes i couldn't steer him away from and mistakes who are bordering life altering territory but now shit's too late to change. Texted me yesterday that he's in Denmark (we are German and his girlfriend is decidedly not Danish) and married his immigrant girlfriend on paper in some, again in my eyes, hare-brained scheme for her to be able to get to stay in the EU. It's all way too convoluted, goes much deeper than just the marriage and frankly, is too retarded to go into further. He is not that young anymore that i could just tell him what to do, can only shake my head at it and wait for the eventual fallout right now.
 
Halo Cipher powiedział(a):
. Hope the hunt is over, dating is fucking rough and exhausting.
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Made the motherfucker soup and he said “You’re everything I want in a partner from your appearance to your heart but I just don’t know if I can ever feel love again because I’m sooo damaged, I promise to be in your corner forever though because you’re amazing”

Goddddd i wanted to waterboard him with liquid butternut until he expired. I am so tired. I’ve heard this from so many men. If you’re so damaged then stop dating? If I’m so cool then get over yourself and do what you need to do to measure up? Retards. I don’t understand this line of thinking.

Wading through oceans of tap and gap losers and assholes that want the comfort of my sunshine for minimal effort. I make so many of them feel insecure because I’m not afraid to ask for what I want at this point. Absolutely ridiculous. All I’m asking for is one person to fuck regularly and be close with, i don’t even want to cohabit with anyone ever again. I’ve given up on marriage and children so that’s nothing to scare someone off. I don’t get it. Everything is so shallow and transactional and low effort. I’m not built for this shit, dude. Fuck.
 
I am so over this strange phenomenon of other female students in CS holding me to a standard that they don't apply to our male peers in a pathetic attempt to maintain some control in this nonsensical hierarchy. This is becoming more common as I get further into my degree. In the intro programming courses, I had no issues making female friends. I'm super autistic and more aggressive than the average woman I guess. If someone is being an rude or obnoxious, I will call them retarded. A lot of women don't like this, think I'm being mean, and will tell me not to say that word because it's "ableist." I tell them "I don't care. We both know the men do/say way worse, so don't hold me to a standard you won't enforce on them." They then behave like I shot their dog, and I've even gotten kicked out of a few groupchats made for our courses if any of them are modding it. One time it caused an uproar; the two girls modding the chat had an aneurysm because the men didn't understand what was wrong about the word "retard", and the pickmes were at a moral dilemma: Do they stand their ground or be good pickmes and not argue with their male overlords?

They'll engage in passive aggressive behavior; ignoring me while only reacting to male students, unable to identify banter between me and someone else then join in thinking I'm genuinely being insulted by a friend, attempt to socially ostracize me, etc (to the point where other students notice this). They fucking suck at this though. I get away with calling people retards because I make myself useful. I'm very outgoing because I love what I study, so I try to tutor classmates and help others when they need it. I offer emotional support when appropriate, am very open about failing exams so others feel less shame. I'm not out here acting like some retarded rabid animal 24/7.

I've gotten videos on my feed that claim insecure women hate confident women, and I'm thinking maybe that's it? I learned how to do makeup last year, typically wear crop tops and whatnot (I've always liked indie sleaze and Megan Fox's look in Jennifer's Body and finally bit the bullet to style myself more) and have a very "I'll do what I want and get what I want because I work for it" attitude. I'm not sure how things would've gone if I didn't do this, but I sometimes wonder if my newfound confidence is a contributing factor.

And the men aren't perfect either, I've been sexually harassed, stalked, whatever. But oddly enough it's always my male peers that were extremely supportive and offering to walk me to the Title IX office to file a report, male professors letting me hide in their offices for an hour until certain people left the building, male classmates coming to campus to literally sit there and do their homework next to me because I kept getting bothered by randoms (or thwarting this specific guy who was stalking me). I never had one female student in the CS program offer to do anything. My girl friends outside of school were obviously super supportive and sweet, but 99% of the women in my own program just act like I'm Hitler or something.

Ok, thanks for reading if you did! Had to get this off my chest because I just had some situation where I was giving students advice about a problem they were having and one female student was purposefully ignoring me and only reacting to whatever the male students said. It's just getting ridiculous and silly.
 
Welp, I am fired. Should've sucked ass, but nope, fuck those people, even if I die starving on the street when my rainy day fund is kill. I love how they said some good-old "threat people like you would threat yourself". Almost had me replying "welp, try it then, unless all you do is screaming and blaming yourself". I wasn't the best employee, but they were the shittiest bosses I've ever had, that's for sure.

At least, I can have some peace before I start job surfing.
 
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