Boomer Dad:
I’ve got an almost 80 year old Dad who is an absolute freeloader. He moved in part time with me (also lives part time with my sister). An agreement was made that he’d pay a ridiculously small room and board fee and he does sometimes pay it as a reimbursement. He tries to get out of it though and has on occasion. We have taken him on trips with us. Bought him lunch out. Bought him reading glasses, denture trays and many other supplies and he has NEVER considered reimbursing us for any of it. No chipping in for gas for driving him around. He will never offer to buy our lunch or ice cream if we are out. He’s just here, being a financial burden even though he knows we are struggling financially. Right now we are facing a several thousand dollar roof repair. So there goes any fun summer activities with our kids. He is the type of guy who saves boatloads of cash, won’t invest it. Instead he had it squirreled away but my sister convinced him to get a safe deposit box. Which she is now a secondary key holder on. He has quite a lot of money but seems to think using me and my family is fine and now appears to be using it as a weapon to cause a rift between my sister and I. He has accused me of stealing money from him on numerous occasions. One of the times, I was probably 18 or 19, we were camping and he had on a previous trip buried a bunch of cash up in the mountains. Well, he thought I went up there and dug it up and took it. I didn’t even know how much he’d buried or where exactly. He was drunk and furiously digging around, yelling at me. Eventually it was getting dark and he was fully drunk driving and enraged w/ me as a passenger, screaming at me the entire way home on scary dirt roads w/ switchbacks. I actually, at the time, was so distressed and traumatized to the point I wanted him to drive us off a cliff. It was unbearable! He of course later found the money. No apology given. Now I think, since he has such a low opinion of me, I should have stolen money from him. His opinion of me, despite all I’ve done for him would be the same either way it seems.
Boomer Mom:
I’ve also got an almost 70 year old Mom who has been living like a spring break party girl for the past 20ish years. She goes on lots of vacations, gets all sorts of beauty treatments, drinks heavily, etc. Which is all fine. It’s her life. But the part that has bothered me to the point of being estranged from her for 4 years is her unsupportive attitude towards me and my family. Back in 2022 we had a wildfire burn through our property. Taking 2 building with it and most of the trees. We lost all our tools, kids toys, christmas decorations, etc. It was pretty stressful, dealing w/ the insurance claim. There were also still fires popping off after the initial fire for a week or two after because it was still burning underground in the tree roots. It was crazy! She had nothing but contempt for me. She went on a beach vacation and kept sending me pictures of her fabulous time and actually got pissed that I was not responding to her like her personal instagram. I was here dealing w/ a disaster. I was busy! I got a lot of boomerisms from her, the old, “Put on your big girl panties and deal with it” lines and many other unsupportive lectures. Well now, she has breast cancer and is needing emotional support from me. She has turned her back on me every time there’s been any kind of crisis and now she needs my support.
I’m really struggling with these parents of mine. One financially taking advantage. The other might possibly die and I’m trying so hard to forgive them. But how do you forgive parents who aren’t sorry and who feel entitled to your time and resources?
I also wanted to add that I’m trying to give my kids a totally different upbringing than I had. I’m a stay at home mom. I homeschool them. They have my undivided attention and love. Whereas, I was basically neglected. Latchkey kid. There were times we weren't allowed in the house. Sometimes we were physically and emotionally abused. I’m not perfect, obviously, but I would never use my kids for my own gains. When they are grown up and moved out I wouldn’t want to be a burden on them. That just seems wholly inappropriate in my mind. Boomers love to talk about how hard they worked to earn everything they have. Did they earn filial piety? Oftentimes, as in my case, NO! They didn't earn it. But they sure as heck think it's just owed to them no matter what.
Thanks for reading. I know it was a lot.
Edit to add: A year ago my mom also threatened to sue my sister and I for $2million for alleged back child support. But she would wait until my dad dies to initiate the suit. She actually had the balls to show my sister a spreadsheet of her costs for raising my sister and I and said “A debt is a debt and I will collect, and when your Dad dies that debt falls to his heirs”. This was before her cancer diagnosis and while she was still drinking heavily.