Operation Tupacalypse Eli's mom finds out about Tupacalypse

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After a rough day its always nice to know Jace and crew can always deliver. That's gonna be one hell of a young manning after Eli's mom goes to evict Chad only to find weed, jenkem, and mice praising Allah.
 
The only thing that was going through my mind when I read the title and clicked the "Play" button:

1459-oh-god-meme.png
 
Contributing something for once: I transcribed it, as much as I could make out.

MOM: --n't even try to lie to me. I talked to Daniel, and he specifically said he's only seen you once or twice before last week. (?????) is that you were with him. You-- I-- I-- I can't-- I don't even-- (???) What the hell were you thinking? This isn't a video game, Elijah. YOU'RE IN A DIFFERENT COUNTRY. I mean-- I mean, what were you even thinking?? What would have happened if (you had hit somebody??)

ELI: Oh my God, Mom.

MOM: -- Where in the world did you find (???) in the first place? Where did you--

ELI: I am a (warrior?), Mom.

MOM: YOU'RE A DROPOUT. What the hell were you thinking, just-- just-- it, GOD, ELIJAH!! You've been over there for 3 months! What have you been doing this entire time?

ELI: Fueling the fight.

MOM: ??? what does that mean?

ELI: It means, like, basically I live life in the fast lane, Mom. That's what it fucking means.

MOM: Do not swear at me, Elijah. Do not swear at me. (??????) you will NOT curse at me.

ELI: Wow, like, you're not, wow, looks like you only care about the frickin' greenbacks, Mom.

MOM: ??? Elijah, you're getting $300 a month on your power bill--

ELI: You're a 1 percent.

MOM: Agh, oh my God, I mean, what have you been doing there, another one of your experiments?

ELI: Wow, what do I look like, I'm not, like, a fuckin' rocket programmer, Mom. That was, like, a one time in high school. Besides, (???) I'm renting it out.

MOM: What?? Who are you renting to? You sublet it and you didn't even tell me? Elijah, that's-- Who are you renting to??

ELI: This guy, Chad, I know him from-- from college. He's cool; he's cool, he's cool. He's... he's just chill, OK?

MOM: No, Elijah. I have a serious question. You need to tell what you've been doing in the last 3 months. Where have you been staying if you weren't with Daniel?

ELI: It's classified, Mom.

MOM: Elijah, this isn't a joke.

ELI: Mom, I told you, I'm a secret agent. That's classified, and because like I can't tell you what I've been doing.

MOM: Oh my God.

ELI: Mom, come on.

MOM: What?

ELI: I can't tell you, OK? It's like a mission, OK? I told you when you called earlier, that's like, it's classified, how many times do I gotta say it. Seriously. Can you just get off my back, like officially?

MOM: (???) Elijah. I want you to come back. Right now. Me and your father (???) We are going to talk, (and I'm not going to allow?) this Charles, or Chad, or whatever his name is. So you better call him, and (???)

ELI: Mom, leave Chad alone, OK? He's like, he's like--

MOM: NO, ELIJAH. (???)

ELI: No no no-- no. You don't understand, like, you can't come over to the house if he's-- if he's not there. It's like, illegal. It's like, breach of contract. I saw it on Judge Judy.

MOM: It's our property, Elijah, we can evict him tomorrow.

ELI: OK, listen, I lied, OK? I lied. There's no Chad, he, I mean, he's just like, um, he's like... maybe there's someone, like, stealing power. There's that Mexican bitch, she lives next door and she, like--

MOM: (???)

ELI: No-- no, listen. I think I saw her, like, in the yard. She had, like, this extension cord and she, like, stole power when I was gone. I think she did. It's like, you know, because she, like, you can't trust Mexicans.

MOM: Elijah, I-- (???)

ELI: Mom, uh... can you even say "freakout alert"? I mean, like, maybe you actually smoke weed like me, you'd be more chill, Mom. (silence) Mom.

MOM: *exasperated sigh* You're not allowed to live at the cottage anymore. You aren't allowed to sublet it in the first place without telling us--

ELI: WOW, WOW. (continues to talk over his mom) Fuck. Fuck! Wow. Seriously, wow, Mom.

MOM: -- what have you been doing?? --

ELI: Wow. Fuckin' A. Wow. Fu--

MOM: -- we can't. If you want to keep the property you're going to have to pay rent. (???) Me and your father talked about it, you know, we can't do this anymore. We can't.

ELI: Mom, that's gay.

MOM: (???) another country (???)

ELI: Mom, I have to go. I, I I, I uh, you're breaking up. You-you're breaking up. I got-I gotta go.

MOM: Eli!

ELI: Mj-uh, I, like, yeahIgottagobye. *hangs up*

ELI, to the audience: So, like, uh, you can tell she's basically a bitch. Um, I, I guess I'm comin' home soon, guys. Sorry, like, mission failed, but... all right, yeah.

END OF TRANSMISSION
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For his sake, I hope that Eli's parents have already bought him that plane ticket, because they might reconsider once they find the weed, cat, and mouse infested cottage that Eli left behind.
 
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

What a beautiful way for this debacle to end, I mean it was prosperous to begin with an after three months of sperging out in Israel the saga is nearly over. Now I can't wait to see the fallout when they inspect stoner central.

An the fit jayce throws when the stash house is "raided" by Eli's folks, this should be priceless.
 
Oh God, this really is the Tupacalypse! Jace will get YOUNG MAN'D into the next century, Tyce will likely be beaten to death and called a fuckin' spastic, and Eli's mum will boot Eli up the arse so hard he'll end up back in Israel.
 
I wonder what the "experiment" from high school Eli's mom was talking about was. Also, I think Eli is safer staying in Israel. When he gets home and his folks see what has become of the cottage they may just tie him and Jace up in the cottage and set the place ablaze with them inside.
 
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