Deagle Nation Tarot Readings For Everyone

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Are you satisfied with your Tarot Reading?

  • TAHAAA COME HERE YOU LTTL FGGT

    Głosy: 17 39,5%

  • If that cat, like, had a gun it would be basically like eating us right now...

    Głosy: 17 39,5%

  • Can you like just let me go play Xbox?

    Głosy: 9 20,9%
  • Łączna liczba głosujących
    43
Himawari powiedział(a):
Hit & Run
Mount Rushmore
Flags
Hotdogs
Surfing The Net
Walt Disney
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Ok so like I just got back from a really fucked up trip, I can't say where it was legally but I can say it was a like, figurative trip.

You will never be able to live down that moment... the universe sees what you did and so do I thanks to my cards. I see it man, that's fucked up. How can you just drive away in front of our founding fathers maaan? Benjamin Franklin's stoney face must be like... crying or some shit when he watched you run that poor guy over. In the future you will probably be seeing a flag dude, and if its the American one you'll have to remember to be ashamed of yourself.

For your future wife she travels the world as a hotdog connoisseur and... the economic downturn thanks to Obama has really left a dent in her pocket so she has to turn to surfing the net in order to save a little dinero when finding her next hotdog stand to travel or something. You may have killed someone dude but like, thankfully you're still able to redeem yourself. When your mutual friend Walt Disney introduces you to each other you'll like have to pledge yourself to this chick and your karmic balances will be returned and you will realign yourself into a better place in the wheel of reincarnation. You'll probably be like a dog next time which is still kinda better than what we are right now dude... Whoa man.

Where the fuck am I?
 
Joe Middleton powiedział(a):
Ernest Hemingway

The Beach

Bonbons

The 1920s

Celine Dion

Schindlers List (!)
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Ok gamer lets see what the cards have to say about your past, present and future.

You were a man amongst men who spent long days in your childhood with Ernest Hemingway's novels, you read To Kill a Mockingbird like at LEAST three times and you cried every single time Captain Ahab died at the end. Like, I see that soon you'll be a strolling along a beach, a beach yeah and theres sand and shit beneath your feet. It shows that your heart is as calm as the currents of the ocean and nothing can ever change it cause you're like the sea gull you know? In the near future the cards foretell an encounter with a sweet candy and this will like serve as a universal metaphor for temptation. You should probably resist but candy is candy and its not like anyone ever died from taking a piece or two right brother?

Now your future wife was obsessed with the 1920s in her past, to the point where like she went to college about it and learned all about that war and Hitler and the flappers who were like the SJWs of the 20's and shit except their feminism made men hard ya dig? I see you've drawn the Celine Dion card, that's not a very good sign man, like, Celine Dion is a universal warning of horse face in the Apples to Apples Arcana. So like in the present your future wife probably has horse face but man don't worry because surgery is always an option as long as you got the cashhhh. In the future she will reveal to you a great secret; she was rescued by Schindler during world world 2. Man I'm fucking baked as a goddamn apple pie and even I know this is bullshit but if you love her you'll accept her even when she reveals she thinks she was alive in the 1940's and was in Stalingrad or some shit.

Can ya dig it, universe?
 
CatParty powiedział(a):
corned beef
swiss cheese
sauerkraut
russian dressing
rye bread


what do i get?
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Why do people keep doing five? It's like the universe keeps fucking with me... I'll work with what I get if there's not a sixth on that list by the time my acid trip is over.

Probably some kind of sandwich though.
 
Da Pickle Monsta powiedział(a):
I'm male, straight, married. My cards are:

Apple Juice
Yo-Yo
Cuba
Pro wrestling
Chinatown
Teletubbies
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Ok man, lets see if my kundalinis are open enough to let the cosmic energy flow through me and shit.

When you were younger I see that you liked apple juice a lot man, I think it was cause you were picky and shit. Like you had to always bring your own lunch at school cause you liked things a certain way and wouldn't eat a meal without your apple juice you dig? The yoyo arcana is a very special card, and probably indicates you may have or develop bipolar disorder as you constantly teeter across dark and light spiritual energies being channeled by your head and being processed as cognitive dissonance by your human meat brain. Like, Cuba is a very important place for you in the future... if the cards are telling me right, it's like going to be important in the way it is to a Salmon. When your death is encroaching you will feel it man, you'll know its going to happen and you should probably make your way to Cuba and have lots of sex and try to leave as many offspring as possible so that they can return to Cuba when its their turn to die and the circle of nature will continue on and on ya dig?

As for your wife, in the past she had a rough childhood because of her father's pro wrestling career. He was a very vain man or some shit and always forced his family to come to his matches, like, and it tore her apart having to see her father being beaten up constantly all through her childhood. This will explain her current low self esteem and why she constantly refers to you as BROTHER in a deep gravelly voice during love making thanks to unresolved issues. Currently your wife dreams of a cultural change and a mix up from her humdrum life and shit so you should probably just take her to Chinatown since the cards say you're poor as shit and cant afford to actually go on a real vacation. Last of all you have drawn the Teletubbies card which can only mean one thing. Like it or not there is a baby in the future and you're going to have to watch as you fail to father the child and it instead learns all of its morals from a bunch of stoners in fur suits who don't speak english.

I think so at least.

Just a note to all those waiting, there's a big queue and I try to do around 2 in a session. I'll get to you all so just keep posting ok brother? Let me know how you feel and such if you'd like.
 
exball powiedział(a):
Bangkok
Dodo Birds
Homer Simpson
Parachute
Lemon Meringue Pie
The U.S. Constitution
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Ok man the planets are aligned and my zodiac sign is giving me enough reiki to perform your personal reading.

In the past you had an experience in Bangkok, and it has formed your adult personality much more than you would like to admit but you like got to if you want to move on and spread your wings on this great earth. Speaking of wings though like, currently you see yourself as a dodo bird and constantly worry as you become more aware of the fact that you are fat and unhealthy and not likely to reproduce and will probably die off without leaving any kind of legacy. Drawing the Homer Simpson Tarot tells me this isn't really likely to change for you in the future so sorry bro.

Your future wife used to have a job handstitching parachutes for like a major parachute retailer and was fired because her negligence led to some kinda bad repercussions. Thankfully she was or will be able to meet you and this will draw her out of her depression- but will likely lead to much greater suffering in her future because of the Homer Simpson arcana. At the moment I wanna say she's like really hungry and wishing she had some lemon meringue pie, or it could be a metaphor for the sourness of her childhood, the cream filled position she is in right now, and how she's really gonna want some pie in the future ya dig? Lastly the cards lead me to believe she will encounter the U.S. Constitution in the future and will probably have an opportunity to change parts of it but you gotta make sure she doesn't use a permanent marker less Teddy Roosevelt and the other spirits of the founding fathers come alive once more to take vengeance on your family for a couple generations. If this does indeed happen you know where to contact me for the exorcism but I will warn you that I am running out of salt and gas money so you're gonna have to drive me to Starbucks if you want a professional's help.

I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch I'm god bitch
 
KingofManga420 powiedział(a):
Let's see what the universe gave me to work with here brother.

I'm seeing from your first card that in the past you traveled to a far away land and were romanced by a savage ruler with a lust for white people but he thought you were a girl and was disappointed. Belt buckles are important to your future and you should be very wary of them, and if possible do not make eye contact ANYWHERE else on anyone you talk to but their belt buckle. It may cost you your life... Donuts are your lucky item and you would do well to consume as many as you can at once to absorb their luck, but as soon as you take a fiery shit you'll lose all your protection so like... be careful and shit when you shit or have to shit ya dig?

You and your future wife will like meet in a terrorist attack or some shit by muslims presumably and in the wreckage of the second 9/11 you'll find a lone survivor, a beautiful muslim girl who was shamed because her suicide bomb vest did not like go off properly and they fucked it up. You end up covering for her because it's been like ages since you got any pussy and think by playing the hero you'll get some of that brown peach but she friendzones you kinda and you end up a buddies. You can't really take it man, after a while you kinda give in and while the universe is giving me vague details here but there's a lot of screaming. Not sure what happens but theres apparently a kid looking really, really sad a few years later.

Hope I had all my chakras alligned or else that's probably all just bullshit.
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Wow ok ok ok ok ok friendzones are gay and unrealistic ok.

I'm gonna go play xbox now.
 
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