Let’s see what slop you shove in my face today!
0:00 Amberlynn Reia. Still.
0:14 Opens with no energy, ‘Hi everyone’ rather than her traditional ‘Hey guise!’ and right out of the gate, she’s bitching that she’s tired. There’s full fucking sunshine pouring in through the windows. The couch looks like a trash heap with pillows stacked haphazardly - definitely looks more like a bed than a couch. Says she’s going to make ‘tired’ her last name. Bitch, shaddup. You don’t know tired.
0:23 Yus, making chicken. She has a tray of chicken breasts sitting beside a pyrex casserole dish. Here we go. Let’s see how she mangles this shit!
0:30 Sprays down some avocado oil at first in said dish, in preparation for baking the chicken in the oven. Doesn’t get anywhere near full coverage. ‘Obviously I’ll season it and all that good stuff.’ That’s what I’m waiting for.
0:50 Of course she bitches about hating raw meat as she tries to stab the breasts with a fork and lift them off the tray, and they stick to the tray. Camera angle change as she had to put her camera down to facilitate using two hands to actually get said meat off the tray.
0:55 First, SHIT TON OF GARLIC SALT. HERE WE GO.
1:09 Pepper, ground black. Straight from one of those large containers. Not really that much - perhaps a teaspoon or two? I couldn’t see clearly enough to gage it - the camera’s at a funky angle, so you can’t see the meat as she’s seasoning it. Poo.
1:15 Onion powder fucking rains from the heavens. And that’s apparently it.
1:27 Yeah, it’s going into the oven. That’s it. But there’s sides! Making a salad.
1:41 I’ll give her this over some of the other idiots I follow at the Farms - she is using a cutting board. The way she’s cutting is making me twitch thinking she’s going to slice into her chubby meat mitts, though. And she’s shoving her lettuce all over the counter as she cuts it. She says not to worry, because her counters are clean. I’m sure they have only been subjected to cat butthole within the last two hours when you weren’t paying attention to your neglected felines.
1:57 Yellow bell pepper, and she wastes a veritable ton of it. Top and bottom are gone. And then she cuts it in half, mashes it down with her giant paws, and then slices her mashed, sad remains. PL: I loathe bell peppers. Even though I do, I still pity these poor veggies.
2:47 She’s cutting up baby carrots to put in her salad. The fuck. Tiny little carrots, getting cut in half.
3:11 AL mentions that she and Becky like different things, so they don’t eat the same meals. Wait, does this mean the four fucking chicken breasts she’s baking to absolute death are only for her? Because Becky mumbles in the background about sweet potatoes and green beans. Huh.
3:17 A pretty laugh-worthy moment - AL offers Becky some of her pepper, because she doesn’t need it all - and when Becky picks up a piece, she gets three slices - because fucking AL failed to cut completely through the pepper when she was slicing it up. Holy shit, I didn’t think her knife skills were THAT terrible! I have been proven wrong. Wow. I stand corrected. She really is as incapable of slicing and dicing as a fourteen-month-old kid.
3:27 …
…
…
She’s adding green olives to her salad. Maybe some of you might like that. My reflux just went ‘hurck’ and my brain is crying.
3:34 She waxes on about how she loves all things olive.
3:47 Well, the chicken’s done. She grabs one stiff, sad breast and cubes it. That shit is WAY overdone. It looks pitiful.
4:18 Shows off her Organic Balsamic Vinaigrette she’s going to be drowning her salad in.
4:22 Of course, AL says her chicken is perfectly cooked. It’s dry as hell. Then again, she’s a dri gorl.
4:48 Yup, all the dressing. And she waxes on about how her dressing is healthy and shit.
5:05 Becky’s making a Tony Hawk character. She’s making a skater gorl. She mentions that the character looks like Sting with one of the face mod. AL has no idea who Sting is.
5:48 More showing of how compatible these two tubs are - Becky says that said character could also belong in Cradle of Filth. Then mentions to Amber that she likely has no clue who that is - to which AL agrees, but says ‘But I’ll trust your word.’ Becky, not to be dissuaded, starts to look for images of Cradle of Filth on her phone - AL’s response? ‘Look how cute you are!’ THE FUCK. How is that an appropriate response!! She’s trying to introduce you to something you don’t know, and your first reaction is to squee that she’s cute because she’s looking up images because you are just humming and looking dumb? There’s so many appropriate replies, and that’s what comes out of your mouth, AL?
Wait.
This is the dumb cunt who says everything’s crazy.
This is AuthorLynn.
Carry on.
6:00 AL zooms in on Becky’s phone to show off Cradle of Filth, then sounds almost panicked as she focuses her camera back on the television and goes ‘You’re not keeping her like this, are you?!’ Becky instantly says ‘no.’ Which is a pity. I think a fem-goth Sting impersonator wiping out doing skateboard tricks would be awesome footage to watch.
6:07 Becky pulls the makeup off of her character - AL sounds stunned. ‘Ohhh, makeup-less.’ And then she screeches about her being cute. Becky then gives her facial hair, and AL first says ‘do it’ but then nope out.
6:33 So yeah, there’s a mask in Tony Hawk.
6:45 DelusionLynn strikes. She says that Becky’s character is cute, then says ‘She kind of looks like you.’ For reference, the character is skinny as fuck with short, rough-cut hair, wearing typical skater gear. At least Becky instantly fired back with ‘No, far from it.’ At least she realizes they’re both fantasies.
6:50 Oh, there’s our ‘hey guise!’ shit. Too late to earn a reply from me, you buffoon. But of note, we’re back on the couch. Still bright and sunshiny outside.
6:52 She welcomes us back to the vlog, says she’s uber tired, and that Hannah and Rafe are coming over.
7:09 Blames her piss poor sleep on tailbone issues. C’mon, AL. Your tailbone is covered by a solid six inches of lard in every direction. How? Says that laying down makes her tailbone hurt. I will now screech that laying down typically brings relief - it’s sitting that’s murder with a broken tailbone. Or ‘tailbone issues.’
7:30 Dumb book update. Took her 2.5 days to finish it. She said the ending sucked.
7:38 Hannah and Rafe are there - she cuts out by zooming in on her tiny boobies.
7:39 Aaaaaand they’re gone. But lo and behold her filthy fucking kitchen! Cluttered to no end! No counter-space to be had! What a sty.
7:50 Rafe made a crochet squirrel for Becky, and a potato dog for AL (she requested it). The squirrel’s name is John Candy, and AL named her potato Amido (which is starch in Portuguese). Then AL shows off a drawing and some sculpture thing that Rafe made for Becky.
8:28 AL thinks the rather subpar offerings are worthy of an Etsy shop. I nearly snorted beer out of my nose at that.
8:34 Candle of the day: Pumpkin Peanut Brittle.
8:40 Becky mentions that they’re burning it on the first day of fall. AL argues that yesterday was the first day of fall. Becky correctly corrects her that the 22nd was the first day, and AL keeps going on that it was the 21st.
8:57 AL has to look it up, because she’s ‘genuinely curious’. I am holding my head that she has to do speech entry on her phone to google shit. Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I’ve always found that quickly typing in the string to start gives me the answer more quickly than relying on talk to text comprehending what I’m saying. Then again, when I’m drunk talk to text is utter shit.
9:02 AL is proven wrong. Does she apologize or say ‘You were right! It’s the 22nd.’ No, she just goes ‘First day of Fall! Woo hoo!’ Putz.
9:10 Has to show off Twinkie’s new shirt (it says ‘Later Hater’). The dog looks scared, twitchy and grumpy with ears laid back and the pissed glare of a sour asshat on her face.
9:26 When AL goes on about the dog being a cutie, Twinkie does the bug-eyed ‘lookit the whites around my eyeballs’ shifty-eyed pupper look at her owner. Which always gives me the impression that the dog’s uncertain/scared/secretly thinking about eating the fat sausages that’s poking her. AL ignores this, pokes Twinkie repeatedly and professes that she’s their little security guard. Then mentions she has a vet appointment coming up in a few days - and so do the cats.
9:45 AL’s plans - go for a walk in a little bit, do some cleaning.
9:55 Her vanity is a fucking shit pit. She just throws everything on top of it. Holy hell. I’ve seen a gremlin’s room look more neat and organized after thirty minutes of looking for a favorite toy by dumping shit everywhere. ‘It’s kind of crazy.’ No, it’s not crazy Amber. It’s slovenly. It’s messy. It’s lazy. It’s pitifully childish and not befitting a nearly thirty-year-old somewhat independent woman. It’s anything /but/ crazy.
10:22 Shows off her iron pills she got. Because reasons. Along with D3 (which she got off haydur recommendation instead of whining that she couldn’t get a prescription or whatever bullshit she was doing with D3 last time).
10:51 Stupidest jump-cut ever where she snaps and cuts to a cleaned vanity. The sunlight is MUCH more intense now, meaning that it took her a long time to get this fucking disaster area picked up. And ten-to-one says it all just got shoved in the drawers in that cabinet thing Becky built for her that’s right beside her vanity table.
10:58 OMFG THAT BED UGH
Sorry, my brain shut down.
I can’t even.
It’s a trash heap.
The FUCK.
Oh, wait. More of the room. Sorry, but my screenshot was lost. Poop. Trust me when I say it was a desk covered in books and other assorted shit stacked in front of unused mirrors and piles of clothes strewn about.
Proof, Kiwis. She doesn’t use this room for anything but her horde.
11:08 Oh yes, she’s going to use this room as a guest room, her makeup room, a chillin’ room. Because fuck using it as a bedroom.
11:27 Walking to Target. Huffin’ and puffin’ as she herpalurps along. She apparently told Becky to wait to pick her up, and let her walk as far as she can. By the way, it’s dark as fuck.
11:47 Amber’s being lamps because she doesn’t like the lighting in their place. And the lamps are so cyuooot.
12:09 Real reason they came? Trash can. Because whatever they had before is likely overflowing daily.
12:25 Oh fuck, AL’s recommending ‘Room’ by Emma Donoghue. She says it’s ‘so good’ and ‘they made it into a movie.’ Nothing more is given. I’ll leave it to some other Farmer to dig in to that shit.
12:39 Oh yay. Next day, opening a package. Quell my excitement. It’s by ‘Glitzy Girls’. It’s from Dana, her friend, apparently. I’m taking it this isn’t Destiny’s Dana. Nah, this is a clothes manufacturer, and AL went and bought her shit.
13:17 Time to show off hideous frocks. She hasn’t tried anything on. It’s all hideous. AL calls it ‘unique.’
13:47 FFS, she ordered that shit 2 weeks ago and she already forgot what she ordered.
14:00 Oh, she’s obsessed over a dumb fluffy sweater.
14:15 NEXT BOTTLE. ‘Look at this packaging, it’s so cute.’ It’s crepe paper held shut with black stickers. ‘I’m not sponsored’ No shit ‘I wish I was! This stuff is so ADORBS!’ Yeah, that was the next bottle trigger right there. More clothes, still heinous. I think Anna would be better for this haul than AL.
14:25 She is busy hugging sweaters, saying it’s not normal how soft they are. She’s never had sweaters that soft. Her freakout is so fucking fake.
15:00 Professes she’s super proud that she bought all shirts - not a single dress.
15:14 Oh, now she’s talking about lymphedema in her lower abdomen. Dummy. It’s FAT. Just FAT.
15:20 Says that being judged for her hanging Gunt is a reflection on you because it’s lymphedema, not fat! Except it’s fat.
15:51 Says that if anything’s too small, that’s fine because she’ll just lose the weight to fit it later (LOL - RAINBOW CITY)
16:02 Confesses that she’s fallen off track and she’s certain we’ve noticed (no shit), then waffles about how no weightloss journey is perfect and that’s just kind of like how it is.
16:13 She’s making meatballs in the air frier. And she thinks they look like the most delicious thing ever. There’s 15 of the fuckers.
16:33 Becky is making bacon, eggs, biscuits for breakfast. Which means all those fried meatballs are for Amber alone. Yeesh.
16:40 The state of their place - she goes for silverware, but it’s all in the dish washer. AL takes a moment to think about how she wishes she had dance dressing for her meat balls.
17:10 AL is scared by bacon. Literally, she nearly jumps at the sound of bacon starting to sizzle. Yes, AL, that’s what bacon sounds like when it’s not precooked and microwaved to crispy critters.
17:15 Amber entertains the feeders by sucking on a meatball. Of course it’s SO GOOD and entices moans. She needs a dipping sauce, though. All she has a sweet and spicy mustard.
17:45 Time to reorganize the freezer. It was ‘crazy.’ AL whines that the freezer is tiny (it’s not), and then shows us what she’s ‘drinking on.’ Except she covers the whole can with her fat mitt. So you can’t see what she’s making stupid faces at, because apparently she doesn’t like it. Or something. My brain has shut down from the dumb. I have finished a bottle and am strongly considering one more.
18:23 Sing-songing about how ‘crazy’ the freezer was. Whatever.
18:42 Comment time: Kimber: Leftovers is better anyway… take better.
19:05 Al agrees that leftovers are great, especially pasta (which is a trigger food for her).
19:19 I am going to get that final bottle even though this is over. My brain fucking hurts.
