How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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Got sent home from work for sounding and looking sick even though I feel fine. Still thought it was a lot worse at first till they clarified it was cause I didn't look well enough to ne working.


So it's been a 50/50 day for me. Unless I got a sick day for this I lost about half a days pay but I'm enjoying myself at home early.
 
Second Sun powiedział(a):
I've been all over the shop, but mostly I'm genuinely grateful. Things really do have the potential to not be shit, and that's far more than I expected for much of the past few years.

"Look after yourself" is kind of an empty platitude, but I hope everyone here takes it to heart. If you're here reading this, you're a thinker, someone more aware than the average drone, and someone worth something.
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Kinda, dick whipped you sideways left to right?
That shit is an empty platitude, and I could name the rest but I don't feel like making a list.
 
soft breathing powiedział(a):
I'm fucking overwhelmed and terrified.

spoiler because PL & TMI

I need to get this off my chest and I don't know where else to unload it at this point.

I've went to the ophthalmologist some weeks ago because I was seeing weird flickers and stuff in the corner of my eye, and was scared that my retina was damaged or something. Eye-problems kinda run in my family, so I'm a little extra precautious.

The doctor really took her time with me, did all possible examinations, asked me a ton of questions that didn't fully make sense to me at first, and at the end she sighed, and looked at me for a long time, before saying [paraphrasing here] "There's nothing wrong with your eyes and the symptoms you're describing... if they persist or start to surface frequently, please make an appointment at a neurologist, maybe they can help you. Just so you're prepared: they might redirect you to a psychiatrist, given your family's history."

Mental illness, especially Shizophrenia, runs in my family as well. Splendid. It's just fucking great.

I'm in the age-range where this shit usually starts acting up & manifesting.

It stopped for some weeks and today it started acting up again.

I'll call a neurologist and make and appointment. As soon as I get my head in order.

I'm fucking terrified.
Kliknij, aby rozwinąć...
It could also be migraine aura. It’s not always accompanied by pain. Don’t think you’re doomed
 
Life is more fun when you give in to despair and decide nothing really matters at all.
 
Made an irreparable mistake with Lolita. I feel like the actual Humbert Humbert, a despicable person playing mind games with myself and everyone else to obfuscate the truth and shield everyone, including my own mind, from it. As it stands, I’m laying here reliving the better times we had together.

Sleep is my only reprieve, at least until I awaken.
 
Dear diary,

I have had a really tough month and now my cat just hunted a baby bunny. I managed to get the cat to let it go but the poor thing was spasming in a circle, creating a light swirl of blood on my patio.

I couldn’t bear to finish it off and was really hoping that the bunny would be okay because it didn’t look like that much blood but it’s eyes stopped responding a few minutes later and now I just feel so fucking sad.

Just feels like it is one bad thing after another atm.
 
Mom spent a week in the hospital with some sort of lung problem. She looked frail. Don't know exactly what it was, and I get the feeling she doesn't want to tell me. But she's back home now and appearantly doing better.

I've begun to really miss drinking and drugging again.

Leadership at work is talking about lay-offs. I'm fairly safe, being not new, and one of the few trained at a specific part of it, but still, not great.
 
I've been saying this in a few other places but if I may co-opt a term from Fallout. The old world blues are acting up again. Now there's nothing inheritably wrong with them, it's just when it stops being a nostalgic longing coupled with some reminiscence, and becomes a fixation with the past so strong, that one can't see the future do old world blues become harmful.


Right now I'm just...sitting at my desk typing occasionally flipping though old books, watching old shows...trying to look back into the deepest recesses of my mind for memories, real or imagined, positive or negative. just to feel that bliss of being in the past...or as close to it as one can get.
 
I am doing better than I was last time I checked in here. I just wanted to hop in and wish everyone here the best of luck in all that they are facing.
 
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