How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

  • 🇵🇦 Nuestro primer dominio localizado está en español en kiwifarms.pa. Our first localized domain is on Spanish on kiwifarms.pa.
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Pretty bumed out, I had a friend visit from out of town. He was supposed to be the guy for the weekend and with his GF for the week since the rest of us had school and or work to do. Only saw him for one evening and one of the other friends for 5 mins. The gf made leave a dinner that my friends and I went to just before we ordered our food.
 
I really don't understand how people are so retarded sometimes. Some people in my social circle were talking about Destiny being cancelled and suddenly now he's a "transphobic and racist conservative" because saying that bottom surgery was only for the rich and most would 41% themselves somehow makes you a conservative. If they knew my thoughts I'd probably be labelled something similar. It just sucks because a couple of them are some of my close friends.

This is why I never talk about politics with anyone irl anymore. *sigh*
 
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Wife woke up looking like this and her skin was scarlet. Fuck knows whats caused it, she was taken to hospital, thoughts and prayers please kiwis.
 
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This didn't work out, they told me they're too emotionally scarred from their previous relationship. That's quite alright, I'm in the same boat and realize I'm very codependent and crave a domineering personality to confide in and share intimacy with, so the quest continues. I have the bad luck of getting involved with very submissive people when that is not my jam at all, or just getting involved with people who are far too damaged to contribute to a meaningful relationship.

I hate being alone.
 
I am a bit of a scatterbrained mess at the moment. I forgot to turn in an assignment for college yesterday and had to submit it at around 4 AM. The other week I also made a 60% on an assignment because I second-guessed my (correct) answer on a 5 question assignment. It had these answers that were ridiculously similar. I'm still making a B- in the class despite missing assignments (the site also says that I'm making an A-). I'm also hoping that I make good grades on my essays in another course (making an A in that class, fuck yeah).
 
Moving out on Thursday. It's farther away from where I usually work, but I'm actually pretty excited because it means I don't have to share my kitchen with someone who basically spends his entire day cooking in the kitchen before leaving for his part-time job in the evening. My next roommate is only ever in the apartment for 2-3 days out of the week, my new room is twice the size of the old one and the rent is $120 cheaper. The only real drawback is that the commuting costs are higher.

So I guess at the end of the day, I'm cautiously optimistic.
 
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I miss when I missed people, I was thinking about a girl I was close with 10 years ago who I fell out of touch with after my dad died and I've realized I miss her despite not speaking in 5 years. I wish I liked my neighbors or co-workers, it's so rare at this point I meet someone I can tolerate, let alone someone I'll miss.

With guys it's that they moved or play professional sports, or it's my schedule that doesn't let me go on a trip or to their concert/movie very often but we still talk. In contrast she worked a block down the street from me for a bit after university.
 
Holding as best as I can. A few months back I lost my mom to suicide and that pretty much rocked my whole damn world. Things were evening out pretty well for a bit, but two weeks ago I got totally bitchslapped with a grief relapse that has come and gone in waves. Today was a particularly bad day, my catalytic converter on my car shit the bed and that set off tons of fucking anxiety and sadness alarms that were already on warning because of the grief. I got this car used a few weeks after I lost mom because my old car died not long after, and I’ve been babying this one as all hell. I finally realized today the reason why I’m taking so much care of this car is because I have made it a subconscious coping mechanism: I couldn’t save my mom, so I’m trying to keep this car from falling apart like she did in her final days.

I know every day is a new opportunity, a fresh start that can be better than the day before if I make it. But god, do I hate these days where it all hits out of nowhere, and those moments when your comforts go south.
 
Credit in capitalism is good. Credit Cards and easy access to them are the devil.
 
Probably already bitched about this here, but I feel really unwell, have gotten kind of paranoid that I'm actually going crazy. So there's kind of these two big issues in my life, I'm not happy with my career and I'm not happy with my social life. On the first side of things, I have a program I went into where so far I've been really successful (like, there's me and one other at the top, and then everybody else), though that could come crashing down around me spectacularly because I stopped putting in any work. I used to be able to work when I had to but now I just passively wait for things to happen, not lifting a finger to study for a test or make even the most basic start on an essay. But basically, I feel like what I'm doing is completely meaningless/a waste of time (academic economics), not interesting (enough to devote a life to), and that's a concern I had before I even started, but it's getting worse, especially as it becomes more self-directed. Used to be at least all I had to do was coursework, where you're just jumping through somebody's hoops, but now I have to design my own hoops and I'm sick of hoops and meaningless work. But I don't know what to jump into. I've never had an actual (non-TA) job in my adult life, and I know I need to earn enough money to at least live on, but I also know I don't want to do something that requires going into a lot of debt (like going back to school for a different STEM field) or that is real time-consuming or boring. Like, I hate this job, but I know that in the real world I'd have to work even more hours at some rote task. I feel completely trapped in it and feel like time's running out.

On the social side of things, I felt real optimistic when I got here because in my class everybody was real sociable and I was hanging out with normalfags and all that, but as times gone on they've mostly proven themselves to be trash, or I suspect them of being, and I've gotten to distancing myself from pretty much everybody but one guy I don't see but occasionally. I don't feel like I really want to hang out with any of these people, but that's everybody I know around here. I've just withdrawn into myself and barely even speak to them anymore. I miss my college friends and I hate the location of where I live too.

I went home for Spring Break for over a week and I was hoping I might get a second wind, but I didn't. And I can't take my mind off these things. I ruminate angrily all day long, and just having to go to campus and go to class leaves me feeling exhausted. Constant anxiety. The only thing that has sort of worked was taking THC, which doesn't actually fix anything, it mostly just puts me in a zombie-like fog where I can't produce anything but get some calm even if it's the empty calm of thoughtlessness.
 
I am finally free from my awful job! I couldn't be happier! One potential opportunity didn't pan out like I expected it to, but I'm not worried about it.

I feel like I can live again.

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