Can I convert to Judaism?

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You will never be a real jew. You have no big nose, you have no curly hair, you have no beady eyes. You are a WASP man twisted by subversion and humiliation into a crude mockery of G-d's chosen.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back people mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your synagogue “friends” laugh at your vanilla appearance behind closed doors.

Christians are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of co-existence have allowed christians to sniff out jews with incredible efficiency. Even fake jews who “pass” seem uncanny and unnatural to a christian. Your facial structure is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a drunk chosen to befriend you, he’ll turn...
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Based on my own personal experience and if I recall correctly, a non jew who wishes to convert has to do a number of things. You need to accept and observe talmudic jewish law (halakhah) as set out in the torah and various rabbinic orders, immersion in a ritual bath (mikveh), and you have to go before a court of three jewish men of local rabbinic authority (beth din hedyot) to prove you are devout in your jewish faith by presenting your already removed foreskin for their consumption. They can tell by how your foreskin tastes if you are sincere in your convictions and will either deny or grant you acceptance into the church by giving you a "certificate of conversion" (shtar guir) that has attached to it a photo of your now circumcised penis. You will need to show this certificate and photo whenever you want to join a local synagogue.
 
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Well converting to Judaism isn't impossible, however my understanding in modern times it's usually done as a formality before marriage between a Jew and a non-Jew. Jews aren't Mormons so they don't go door to door asking if you've heard the good word of Moses after all. I guess this also ties into their view of being Jewish as being something more than just following the Jewish faith, that they are a distinct people of a distinct lineage stretching back all the way to the middle east (I think Ben Shapiro want not a little monologue about it years ago, but I can't be asked to look it up, think there was also a DNA study or something?). So even if you do convert you'll likely be a second-class Jew. But I guess second-class Jew is still better than goyim.
 
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You will never be a real jew. You have no big nose, you have no curly hair, you have no beady eyes. You are a WASP man twisted by subversion and humiliation into a crude mockery of G-d's chosen.

All the “validation” you get is two-faced and half-hearted. Behind your back people mock you. Your parents are disgusted and ashamed of you, your synagogue “friends” laugh at your vanilla appearance behind closed doors.

Christians are utterly repulsed by you. Thousands of years of co-existence have allowed christians to sniff out jews with incredible efficiency. Even fake jews who “pass” seem uncanny and unnatural to a christian. Your facial structure is a dead giveaway. And even if you manage to get a drunk chosen to befriend you, he’ll turn tail and bolt the second he gets a glance of your clean, short nails.

You will never be happy. You wrench out a fake smile every single morning and tell yourself it’s going to be ok, but deep inside you feel the depression creeping up like a weed, ready to crush you under the unbearable weight.

Eventually it’ll be too much to bear - you’ll buy a rope, tie a noose, put it around your neck, and plunge into the cold abyss. Your parents will find you, heartbroken but relieved that they no longer have to live with the unbearable shame and disappointment. They’ll bury you with a headstone marked with a cross, and every passerby for the rest of eternity will know a WASP is buried there. Your body will decay and go back to the dust, and all that will remain of your legacy will be in a tomb that is unmistakably christian.

This is your fate. This is what you chose. There is no turning back.
 
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