Advice on relationships/LDR? Any at all? - AKA being in a relationship, specifically with men, dealing with men, your mental health, yada yada

[Rustybuttons]

If this isn’t allowed, please delete, or let me know to, and apologies.

Can I just have brutally honest advice? Any at all. I suffer the curse of my boyfriend being my only friend, despite my old ass age, and have decided to come here for what I hope to be a semblance of comfort from those who may relate. I’m working on healing my inner hurt girl, getting rid of unnecessary anxiety, moving on in life, and it seems being with someone can bring more stress/anxiety/overthinking than if not. At times, I truly can’t even begin to tell if it’s all me, or him, or a mixture of the two.

How do you personally handle weird/icky moments that leave you grasping at the air, wanting to dig deeper? The feeling of craving explanation, communication, and teetering the thin line of “going on and on, running circles around a simple bit of nothing”?

What do you do when you want to ask every other second, “Am I annoying you? Sorry if I am. Are you okay? What’s wrong? Is there anything on your mind?” I also have this problem with my own mother, and I’ve been doing my best to be less of a stress-ball, but to no avail it seems. I’m not sure how to change that. I’ve done meds, therapy, you name it, I’m just a big ball of nerves at most times. Especially near my cycle, which I normally don’t even get due to PCOS.

Do you fight the urge to call fifteen times in a row, or do you give in and crawl? Is this an issue to be corrected if you’re in a true long-term relationship, married, long-distance, or is this a personal flaw that needs to be corrected? Is it inherently wrong, or does it only feel wrong due to not being reciprocated/understood? I hope this makes sense.

I suppose that’s where I’ll end, since I’m not even sure if this post will stay up. Thanks.

 

[corvuscorax]

If your spouse is making comments that make you feel unimportant, unloved or mistreated, you've told him that those comments make you feel icky, and he continues to do it, then ending the relationship would be the healthiest thing to do here.
Some more detail on these interactions you're describing would help, if you can.

 

[Rustybuttons]

If your spouse is making comments that make you feel unimportant, unloved or mistreated, you've told him that those comments make you feel icky, and he continues to do it, then ending the relationship would be the healthiest thing to do here.
Some more detail on these interactions you're describing would help, if you can.

It’s very difficult to explain. It seems very small, insignificant minuscule interactions can become the very things that cause a week of catastrophe if I allow it, but even typing this makes me feel wrong.

He is, from what I come to know after much “research”, avoidant. Conflict avoidant, or communication avoidant. I, on the other hand, become haunted by the slightest misunderstanding, or mood shift that I do not understand and won’t be explained. He’s said before he’s working on not letting it happen as often, but it doesn’t help my constant overthinking of my own words and actions, and filtering myself to avoid mystery conflicts. Mystery, due to having absolutely no idea how they happen, but they somehow do. I’m afraid I’m not making much sense, but it’s difficult to explain. Let’s just say he’s not necessarily saying anything bad, but I don’t feel fully comfortable even going to communication lengths with him in fear of “ruining the mood”. Eh, it’s hard to view any of this from a perspective other than my own or his in order to explain.

 

[Nameless One]

I don't think you're having your needs met adequately. Maybe you can salvage it by telling him what's precisely wrong or what you feel is. I'm not sure. You remind me of my own mother actually with how you're describing these problems of the self.


But listen here, communication is the name of the game. You enter a relationship with this in mind. Avoiding a conflict or something just because you're scared to bring issues up, will fucking kill your relationship. It sounds like common sense but most people end up doing it. I've done it myself. It's been done to me.


Your relationship is a garden. You have to maintain it and tackle the roots if there's any rot. If you cannot maintain your garden all your crops will die and all your progress withers away. Does that make sense? I don't mean to sound crude but it's a serious matter. You have to face your fears and struggles if you want to be in a relationship with anyone. If you cannot communicate, you may not be ready or they may not be "the one" for you. You need some bridge to the gaps of whatever you're lacking or whatever he is. How you build it, is up to you to figure out. I'm not a life coach.

Has he given you any reasons to have fear in the first place? If so, it may only get worse and you should probably leave. If you really want to stay, you should state your case. I know being hurt probably makes this hard but you may not be ready for a relationship like that if you're finding trouble managing life with others in mind. Focus on whatever you feel is most important. I recommend trying to go communication lengths. I mean, he's your boyfriend, no?

 

[Germinal Matrix]

Are you absolutely positive you, your mom and him don't have problems reading social cues? Not to PL but I have nonverbal learning disorder (now being called "visual-spatial disorder") and lousy social cues/skills are part of that delightful package. My interactions with others are similar to yours, OP. [hugs]

 

[corvuscorax]

It’s very difficult to explain. It seems very small, insignificant minuscule interactions can become the very things that cause a week of catastrophe if I allow it, but even typing this makes me feel wrong.

He is, from what I come to know after much “research”, avoidant. Conflict avoidant, or communication avoidant. I, on the other hand, become haunted by the slightest misunderstanding, or mood shift that I do not understand and won’t be explained. He’s said before he’s working on not letting it happen as often, but it doesn’t help my constant overthinking of my own words and actions, and filtering myself to avoid mystery conflicts. Mystery, due to having absolutely no idea how they happen, but they somehow do. I’m afraid I’m not making much sense, but it’s difficult to explain. Let’s just say he’s not necessarily saying anything bad, but I don’t feel fully comfortable even going to communication lengths with him in fear of “ruining the mood”. Eh, it’s hard to view any of this from a perspective other than my own or his in order to explain.

No, I think I understand you. If he's avoiding conflict, then it sounds like @Nameless One is correct, and your needs aren't being met when you attempt to approach conflict resolution. He may not be a bad person, and it sounds like the two of you may be incompatible for a long term relationship. Communication is vital to any healthy relationship, if he struggles to communicate effectively when you tell him something is troubling you and needs to be addressed, then it sounds like this relationship won't work in the long term without some serious work on both parts.
I hope I'm wrong, however as an outsider looking in with the info you've given your best to provide us, I think finding someone that's more aligned with your communication style would save a lot of heartache in the long term.
I'm sorry you're going through this, please keep us updated!

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

It sounds like neither one of you is securely attached. He's avoidant and you're anxious. His avoidance is worsening your anxiety, and your anxious energy may be stressing him out and causing him to withdraw further. It's a vicious cycle. I would suggest couple's therapy, or if that's not an option, you need to talk to him and tell him exactly how you've been feeling. Not call him 15 times, but tell him once that you've been feeling uncertain lately and need to have a serious conversation about your relationship, and ask him when he's free to talk. If he's serious about staying together and agrees to work on communication, while you work on addressing your need for constant reassurance, then you both have something to work with. If not, then you might need to go your separate ways.

Honestly, if you've been in solo therapy and the anxious attachment hasn't gotten any better, then this relationship may be what's holding you back. If you repeatedly attempt to change on your own, but he makes no effort on his end, his behavior becomes part of your problem. Repeated, unpredictable conflicts which are never fully resolved will end up reinforcing the irrational part of your brain that craves reassurance, which is the opposite of what you're trying to do.

Communication is important in every relationship, but in long-distance relationships it's literally the only thing you have. It is the relationship.

 

[anliteralidiot]

I was in a LDR with my husband for a very long time, until he moved to live with me in 2018. It kinda sounds, to me, like you're wanting to know what's next, and he's not committing. You need to talk about that, but he won't let you talk about it.

Communication is important in every relationship, but in long-distance relationships it's literally the only thing you have. It is the relationship.

This is so, so, so important to emphasize with your partner. All you have, unless you live in a reasonable distance, is the ability to talk.

 

[Balanced Boomer]

If it's a long distance relationship, my advice is remember you're both human. You both probably have your insecurities, and it's important to communicate that with one another. There's a lot that doesn't get said if everything is all text, and even voice and video calls don't really capture that in-the-same-room dynamic. There's nothing wrong with awkward moments if you both really have feelings for one another. Good luck to the both of you.

 

[sperginity]

Most of the time when people are this stressed out, if I learn a couple of things about their life it becomes immediately understandable why they are feeling bad. It isn't good to be happy regardless of what is happening in your life, your emotions exist to help you for the most part. I often think about that video of people calmly watching a night club light on fire without even trying to leave & most of them died in there because none of them got scared and ran. there are times when you are supposed to be terrified so you do something to help yourself (same with feeling depressed). Who you are is not a weird mistake that has to be fixed through medications or therapy. That isn't to say that you can't improve your life or feel less terrible, that is within your reach, but it is a really mundane process, like a dental hygiene regimen.

There is a really old book (with a copy on archive.org), about how to do cognitive behavioral therapy techniques by yourself, and how CBT differs significantly from most other forms of therapy (its targeted, short, and specific, they will not ask or care about your childhood). It will reduce your anxiety if you follow the program, but the author describes a lot of anxious people as being just like this- hoping to stamp out anxiousness through effort. It makes sense that nervous people have an underlying belief that something is terribly wrong with them that needs to be fixed, but that is not really the truth. The author talked about a specific therapy client who was socially anxious and was hoping to become the cool guy at parties and not care what people think of him, and that just wasn't realistic. it is a symptom of perfectionism to treat emotions like a disease. The goal is more about how to accept whatever you feel and learn to turn down the intensity of the anxiety a notch by deliberately thinking in a more moderate way. You'll still be nervous, but it will be bearable. The tendency to judge yourself for the emotions you experience makes it impossible to relax from the get-go. The reason to work on your anxiety is so you don't have to feel so bad so often, not because being nervous is a serious situation that has to be addressed. I don't think anyone ever actually "heals the hurt girl inside", and big changes to personality only happen if your brain is injured.

Daily exercise out performs every mood intervention available, it works best if you do it in the morning. There is literally no down side to doing this.

How do you personally handle weird/icky moments that leave you grasping at the air, wanting to dig deeper? The feeling of craving explanation, communication, and teetering the thin line of “going on and on, running circles around a simple bit of nothing”?

you can either try to address this every time it happens through various means (CBT, relaxation techniques, whatever) or you can try to distract yourself until it stops mattering ( it always stops mattering eventually).

lastly, a bit of opinion on long distance relationships.... I don't think anyone thrives emotionally in a long distance relationship, because it is completely unnatural. Our species did not have the means for this to be possible until written language, so like 5 thousand out of 300 thousand years of human existence. I am sure you aren't exchanging letters only so what you're dealing with is even more novel than that, and no one's brain has caught up to these changes. Of course you're going insane, you're supposed to be nearer to your SO. that's what our species is acclimated for. If there are people who do well with this kind of arrangement it is because they're abnormal in some way, I hope they all find each other and leave everyone else out of it. People in normal relationships find periodic separations to be very difficult. It seems to me like you're already prone to feeling anxious and you're also in a situation that would make most people feel nervous, but you are judging yourself for the outcome when it doesn't seem to be anyone's fault exactly. The only way to know you were going to react this way was to try it.

 

[crazedaze]

It seems very small, insignificant minuscule interactions can become the very things that cause a week of catastrophe if I allow it, but even typing this makes me feel wrong.

He is, from what I come to know after much “research”, avoidant. Conflict avoidant, or communication avoidant. I, on the other hand, become haunted by the slightest misunderstanding, or mood shift that I do not understand and won’t be explained.

If I can throw my two cents in, I can relate, and the peace that can come with a secure open partner is immeasurable. Within a few weeks of being with someone secure, you might not even recognize yourself.

 

[Nameless One]

Clarity is something vital for long lasting relationships. Set the ground rules for it, establish the need for it.

 

[Rustybuttons]

What everyone said has truly resonated deeply with me. It’s definitely a bit of everything on both our parts, and we’ve discussed how I can be, and how he can be, to the point I feel more confident in noticing patterns and comfortably addressing them, whether to myself or out loud. I can definitely notice more effort on his part; not fake “just because I have to cough something out to satisfy you” effort, but genuine “I love you and want there to be a mutual understanding” effort.

I’m actively doing more work on not making things so incredibly deep. When I do just give it a bit of time, and allow calm, I notice it’s better. It takes incredible effort, but it’s rewarded. The fact we are long distance (temporarily, mind you), and compared to how we were all our time in person, shows me that it’s bluntly not natural to be long distance. We are already doing much better than in theory when it comes to the distance which I’m thankful for, and both agree that many of our misunderstandings, or odd moments, are solely due to not being able to see basic facial features throughout conversation. That is a big thing. It can be difficult to appreciate idle moments of silence, simply enjoying each other’s company, when it’s long distance, as the company is only there in theory over an electronic brick.

I’m thankful for everyone’s input, and many of you nailed it on the head. I can make things more awkward and difficult due to a mixture of my own overthinking and the distance, and it can be difficult for him to understand a random question of “are you okay” when he very well feels perfectly okay. He’s also been better at just being open and honest about something on his mind without me having to dig, which in turn makes me feel more comfortable to not have to. We have come to a very good understanding over this in the past few weeks, and especially the past few days. Thankfully, it hasn’t been an “issue” until the distance has grown too long for either of us, and he’s never shown any less love for me than before, we just simply agree that it sucks, and we’re excited to be back together again.

So essentially, it takes two to tango, and that being said, we haven’t quit tangoing, we’ve just agreed that we feel the same in the sense tangoing is a lot more fun in person versus over a messenger. When our feet get sore, we’ll be able to sit on the couch together, instead of wondering who sat down.

 

[Nameless One]

I'm long distance with my girlfriend temporarily too, and encounter similar problems and stuff. When we see each other it's like Heaven on earth. I'm glad you're doing well. I wish the best for you, definitely don't give up if you really love him.

 

[Rustybuttons]

I'm long distance with my girlfriend temporarily too, and encounter similar problems and stuff. When we see each other it's like Heaven on earth. I'm glad you're doing well. I wish the best for you, definitely don't give up if you really love him.

Yes, exactly that.

Thank you, it’s nice you can relate and know what I mean!! I wish you two the best as well, we got this

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

I was in a LDR for years. It sucks. The only benefit of them is that they're kind of a trial by fire: if your communication and loyalty are strong enough to make it through one, your relationship can survive almost anything. For us, the LDR was the worst part by far, and everything else has pretty much been smooth sailing. All the stereotypical "hard parts of being married" haven't been hard, at least not in comparison to what we went through in the past. If you guys make it through this part, you have a lot to look forward to.

 

[Otterly]

anxious attachment

I’m not really one for therapy, but recently I had occasion to read a bit about attachment styles and it was certainly an eye opener.
I seem to be fearful/disorganised avoidant and reading about it made me rethink a few things. So firstly how I interpreted some childhood experiences and more importantly (cos you can’t change any of that shit, only learn from it) a few things I’ve done in the past and more recently that went badly wrong for me.
More self awareness is never a bad thing. We are all flawed, some of us perhaps a bit more than others, but change is possible.
All the best with it anyway, I hope it works for you both.

 

[Fat and Balding]

we work together. he’s married. he lives in a different state. he’s 32 years older than me. a few days ago he was my first kiss. today i realized i’m falling in love with him and cried for an hour. sighhh

 

[Shakira Flabbergasted]

we work together. he’s married. he lives in a different state. he’s 32 years older than me. a few days ago he was my first kiss. today i realized i’m falling in love with him and cried for an hour. sighhh

If this isn't a shitpost, I'm sorry this is happening to you. A man who cheats on his wife with a woman 32 years his junior is not a good man. You should tell your boss and his wife what he's been doing.

 

[Fat and Balding]

You should tell your boss and his wife what he's been doing.

Haha, he is my boss, though I could go over his head. I don’t want to do anything to hurt him. I guess that makes me a bad person too.