I like to post on /fit/ sometimes, particular on the steroid threads. While there are some dickheads, it is all in all an environment conducive to change which aligns with my goals.
You're not even close to Jsanza tier, you aren't straight-up fucked. You could look good with some work. But the R9K crab bucket loves to keep you down in their sea of misery. They love to convince people to stay hateful and hopeless. That's the whole thing there, nobody wants you to get better. I'm surprised you didn't receive more hate on R9K with that picture, I thought if you didn't look like a creature from the deep on there you are a normie.
You are flirting with suicide but at some point you have to make a decision. So what's the delay? You either pull the trigger or you take drastic action as a last ditch effort to improve your situation. Don't sit around living in purgatory for 10 years then decide afterwards that you don't want to shoot yourself, because you've then lost 10 years of time that you could've used to change.
Also instead of spending all that money on X which provides a short term high I'd be shooting myself up with testosterone. Testosterone is a longer-lasting mood enhancer (obviously not like X but it will provide you a sense of wellbeing) just control the aromatization.