💼 Careercow Robert Chipman / Bob / Moviebob / "Movieblob" - Middle-Aged Consoomer, CWC with a Thesaurus, Ardent Male Feminist and Superior Futurist, the Twice-Fired, the Mario-Worshipper, publicly dismantled by Hot Dog Girl, now a diabetic

[Oliver Onions]

One of the big reasons stuff doesn't work is the sheer size of everything shields you from your dumb decisions.

Vote against building a power plant? Fine, you've volunteered to be first in line when the brownouts come. Doesn't happen, but it would be great.

The other problem is when you do face the consequences of your actions most people are usually too proud to admit it was their own decisions that caused it.

Case in point: black people have constantly thrown their weight behind the Democrats, constantly been fucked over by those same Democrats, yet still blame the evil white devil Republicans for all their problems because the alternative is accepting they are the architects of their own misery.

 

[Laughingjoke2]

Uproarious responses to yesterday's "Why should I help assholes who hate me?" convo.
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That Jehoshaphat guy has known Bobby for 5 years, yet he continues to be astounded:
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Bobby knows a techno-totalitalian kindred spirit when he sees one:
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"I'm not 'woke'; I'm just smart" -- and what's more, Bobby is constantly evolving!
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This is how you own Robert the Smart:
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But that own comes at a price: it makes you "scum".
More importantly, Bobby thinks racism is a form of ableism:
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I give Bobby one thing: racism has a cognitive component, and my extremely unpopular opinion is that racism can be empirically, rationally justified -- though not by nitwits like Bobby.

The "scum" Shitstain Johnson continues to argue with SJW Gozilla. It is very tedious and you have to go to their convo.

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Someone is really mad.

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Bwak...Bwak...Bwaaak...Bacock-Bacock-Bacock....

Such a busy day, yet Bobby still keeps Peter in his thoughts. These Nazis just want to kill black people
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+ + + +
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Bob's pet issues, or else!
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"Token Karen":
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Not a Karen:
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Women! You are not empowered -- indeed you are barely a "person" -- unless you surrender your WAP to men and abort the clump of sin!
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+ + + +
Starfucking Michael Moore, and Bobby has to make it about white men's obsolete jerbs:
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Don't learn to code:
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Indeed, if you know how to code, Amazon or whatever big corps Bobby fellates on will find it slightly more difficult to replace you.

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Bobby is so good at reading comprehension.

+ + + +
Bobby won't even grant Synder a well-composed shot:
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On the other hand, Wanda proves to be our cultural zeitgeist:
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Indeed, it was so fast that Sony couldn't possibly be looking over the shoulder at Disney.

More Disney bullshit:
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I thought I was looking at Desperately Seeking Susan, but this is the trailer of something called Shoplifters Of The World, "featuring 20 songs by The Smiths".

Nobody the movie:
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Consoom:
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Food:
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Nerds! Fight!
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True to his words, Bobby thinks at least some poor white men matter:
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A Gang of Angles Who Matter:
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For Luke, everything leads back to TLOU2
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Bobert said he was smart so this has to be posted it's law.

 

[Tronathon242]

Both Bob and Lass Library (I guess their twitter break is over) are trying to frame this as "ONLY the rayciss ones, the non-racist poor huwhite people are fine", but then again people like Bob and his senpais and angels don't actually believe that white people can be non-racist.

Yes, there is that and there is also the problem that Bob views all poor whites outside of cities as having the exact same views and thus being evolutionarily dead ends. In the end, he would just want any all of them outside of the city limits glassed.

Bobert said he was smart so this has to be posted it's law.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=2X9E9n6GHC8

Fredo did bang cocktail waitresses two at a time according to Moe Greene. Bob is even lower than Fredo.

True Commies (tm) never get that the executive level is just as replaceable as the prole level.

Anyone can dig a ditch, but only highly-evolved and unique human specimens can write their opinions down on paper and shuffle them around..... to Bob

The thing that defines a functional society is the fact that no one specialized/stratified level is irreplaceable. Any one soldier dies? Next man up. A truck driver crashes? Next man up. Farmer has a heart attack? Next man up. A pencil pusher falls out a window at the office? Oh, that's special somehow.... we can't go on without HIM.

And it's why dictatorships are unstable and self-defeating: aside from their inherent lack of respect for human rights, they now have introduced single-point failure to the model.


Also buried in that Tweet-valanche is the reason why no conservative wants gun control, they know the instant they agree to any measure, no matter how "common sense" , the Bobs of the world and the slimy politicians they look up to and support will twist and turn every innocuous behavior they can into being proof of insanity and thus, no guns for you. He flat-out admits right there that to him being "under evolved" (i.e. Republican) is proof of the mental fitness required to be allowed to have a gun.

That's why gun control is a dirty word, because we KNOW how it'll be used, regardless of what they say as they pass it.... they want to gatekeep, that's all they ever want, and policy success to them is not if it achieves it's stated goal, but how many peolpe can be rejected from engaging with the system by its self-appointed masters.

Wokeness and representation is not judged a success by how many issues of a comic/game sell, but by what % of the cast is now diverse enough.

Mask laws are judged a success not by if Grandma dies or not, but by how many tables they can shut down at a restaurant.

Similarly, gun control won't be judged by if it effects gun crime, but, by how many people can be put on the "no buy" list.

The only way the Government self-reports success is by how many people it's stomped on. (for good reasons, honest)

I imagine and speculate that this is part of the reason why Bob wants to use robots to subdue the mayo ghouls. Like you said, we're not going to give up our guns (to power level, my dad's side is not only very MAGA but armed to the gills, even my grandparents). We know that the first great measure of Biden-esque gun control is but one part of a plan of carefully calculated steps to total confiscation. Bob at least knows his enemy in that regard, so if you use a massive force of machines, then you could just keep sending them in waves Zapp Brannigan style until all the Red counties fall.

 

[blablabla]

the raging hate that bob feels about blonde attractive conservative women is funny. like what he trying to accomplish? hot dog girl already told you creepo, no you are not one of the good guys

 

[A Watchful Ghost]

Uproarious responses to yesterday's "Why should I help assholes who hate me?" convo.


That Jehoshaphat guy has known Bobby for 5 years, yet he continues to be astounded:


Bobby knows a techno-totalitalian kindred spirit when he sees one:



"I'm not 'woke'; I'm just smart" -- and what's more, Bobby is constantly evolving!


This is how you own Robert the Smart:


But that own comes at a price: it makes you "scum".
More importantly, Bobby thinks racism is a form of ableism:

I give Bobby one thing: racism has a cognitive component, and my extremely unpopular opinion is that racism can be empirically, rationally justified -- though not by nitwits like Bobby.

The "scum" Shitstain Johnson continues to argue with SJW Gozilla. It is very tedious and you have to go to their convo.

It warms my heart seeing Bob's words constantly being thrown back at him. And even more so with how most of the answers to his stupid questions are in front of him, but he refuses to acknowledge them because 'fuck them nazis. they are stupid'. If only Bob learned to shut the fuck up, and instead keep some stuff to himself. But no, he has to be the winner of the conversation even if that conversation makes him even more stupid and justifies why they see him as the Führer of the superior future.

For all the word salad. The only one who cannot accept he'll never be as smart as someone like Elon Musk is Bobert himself.

Bobby won't even grant Synder a well-composed shot:

We get it, you still mad people got what they wanted, and got proven wrong. Now please shut the fuck up, and stop pretending you respect Snyder because we know you don't, and will never do.

the raging hate that bob feels about blonde attractive conservative women is funny. like what he trying to accomplish? hot dog girl already told you creepo, no you are not one of the good guys

It's going to take being taken to something akin to a reeducation camp to make him understand that. Or better yet being pressed against the wall as the soldiers load their guns. He is too stubborn to accept he is the joke for the site.

 

[TowinKarz]

the raging hate that bob feels about blonde attractive conservative women is funny. like what he trying to accomplish? hot dog girl already told you creepo, no you are not one of the good guys

Always funny how the Respekts Wahmen fascia crumbles if said woman isn't on your side.

Women are independent actors who can do whatever they want, no questions! No judgments! No shaming! oh, and Melania was a slut for once posing naked, amirite?

 

[Flexo]

I give Bobby one thing: racism has a cognitive component, and my extremely unpopular opinion is that racism can be empirically, rationally justified -- though not by nitwits like Bobby.

Humanity's greatest predator is itself.

Given that fact, it's pretty obvious natural selection would favor those who had a stronger in-group preference than out-group preference. Your clan needed to stick together otherwise the other clan would take your stuff. There's billions of "diverse" people all over the world right now being racist and racism existed before the white man.

Don't learn to code:

Indeed, if you know how to code, Amazon or whatever big corps Bobby fellates on will find it slightly more difficult to replace you.

This is so incredibly stupid I've gone cross eyed. I mean... in no ways are computers like musical instruments where you could pick them up and use another sense (your hearing) to master them besides your eyes.

Code is code and as someone stuck waiting for a bug to get ironed out of the assembly line processor I really want to beat Bob with a girder for how dumb his reply is.
(oh geez why did I go check the replies? they were even worse! with only one lone voice of sanity)

Yeah... China had gunpowder for hundreds of years...

Yet it was the Europeans who took it and made guns from it.

1) He's even dreaming of his thousand year superior future being won by force and who he can "spare." Fucking shit, man, who can defend this kind of talk without being a disingenuous bastard? If that delusional fantasy ever happened, it would be hilarious if the AI for the robots became self-aware and then turned on Bob's ilk to cut their throats as well. It would be very poetic and leave the world in much better hands.

Oh we're planning to.

The troopers were accurate in the opening of Star Wars when they slaughtered the Rebel mooks as if they were slaughtering an army of Moviebobs. They were accurate when their commanders wanted them to be, and they miss when their bosses want them to herd the heroes into the Millennium Falcon. When not a single Stormie hit the heroes, Leia deduced that the enemy let them go, and the next scene, Vader and Tarkin are talking about the tracking beacon they placed on the Falcon.

Dude, that has no effect on the coding of a nearly 30 year old video game. You can bring it up all you want - doesn't change how the mechanics worked.

Think about that. If MovieBob were to die, he'd be mourned by his family, and one or two of his Twitter friends might attend his pathetic funeral where his coffin is surrounded by Mario crap, Bob's troon orbiters and "colleages" might talk about his memory for a week or two, but after that, discussion will drop off sharply. Bob will become just like that one cow who was an anti-Vic Mignona activist who died of fatness in his 40s, and whose name I can't remember because he was such a nobody. Only Chris will continue to mention him, and only because he wants to piggyback off of his brother's fading e-fame to promote his shitty podcast.

But here at the farms, we'll continue to remember him, as one of the most epic threads this site ever produced. We'll have a rich, full archive of everything Bob has ever publicly said as a memorial to his existence. People not yet born will marvel in disbelief at Bob's statements, beliefs, and overall appearance. I dare say, some of us will actually....miss Bob. It's not often you come across someone whose life is such an object lesson on how not to live. A perfect antithesis to someone in a healthy state of well-being. A sobering reminder to never let your grudges and petty hatreds get the better of you. Of course, I hope Bob lives a long life filled with lolcow antics to shake our heads at and laugh over. That would be the best outcome for us and the best punishment for him.

Actually the thought of MovieBob having a funeral and this entire thread being the only ones to show up to it makes me laugh.

Everyone standing around, drinks in hand. Guy with horns walks in.
"@Mola Ram! Here to take Bob's heart?"
"I would if he had one!"
[laughter]
"Hey what's all these unkilled humans doing around here?"
"@Flexo! You shiny piece of shit, you made it!"
"Wouldn't miss it. Who's giving the eulogy?"
"We showed the priest a sample of Bob's tweets and he stormed off muttering that he hopes the bastard rots in hell."
<A haggered, beaten down, weary looking man walks in.>
"@Positron is here!"
"Oh he definitely has to give it."
"I heard @Godzilla1985 was dragging @Sexy Times Hitler here."
"He'll have to say a few words too."

As an aside, Bob's attitudes towards the Midwest remind me of the Zionist idea of ”a land without a people for a people without a land”. In both cases, the actual inhabitants of the land get fucked over and end up on the wrong end of an apartheid state.

I'll just point out the Palestinians have been offered treaties 3 different times, including everything they demanded short of "the entire nation." They've been royally fucked by the Arabs, and it's pretty much been their own hatred of the Jews fucking them over ever since.

There is a climate crisis, yes.

In the words of Scott Adams: Wanna bet?

Rest assured Bobby will be paid...with robotic sex...one day...

"And then, for no reason at all, robots decided to kill all humans..."

 

[Mola Ram]

"@Mola Ram! Here to take Bob's heart?"
"I would if he had one!"

I'd probably make an enlarged heart joke tbh.

"Have you seen the size of that fucking thing? It'd clog the Pit of Kali-Ma worse than the night we made ghost pepper curry."

 

[Marshal Mannerheim]

Both Bob and Lass Library (I guess their twitter break is over) are trying to frame this as "ONLY the rayciss ones, the non-racist poor huwhite people are fine", but then again people like Bob and his senpais and angels don't actually believe that white people can be non-racist.

Not to mention that I've never seen any of them actually point to a poor white person who they don't believe is racist.

More gibberish about tranny bullshit:

> flouride

Like this?

the raging hate that bob feels about blonde attractive conservative women is funny. like what he trying to accomplish? hot dog girl already told you creepo, no you are not one of the good guys

They are, in his mind, attractive. Therefore Bob wants to fuck them. When they refuse to do that he makes misogynistic remarks about them, because they're right-wingers and so, in his mind, calling them ugly sluts is perfectly fine.

His misogyny almost definitely extends to leftist women he wants to fuck, but he knows that Twitter would have a field day if he said half of the things, that he routinely says about conservative women, about Lindsay Ellis or AOC.

I'll just point out the Palestinians have been offered treaties 3 different times, including everything they demanded short of "the entire nation." They've been royally fucked by the Arabs, and it's pretty much been their own hatred of the Jews fucking them over ever since.

Spoiler: Sperging about Israel

I don't see why the Palestinians shouldn't be entitled to the entire nation.

To put this in perspective, would you be happy or support it if a bunch of Californians moved to Oklahoma because they said it was an empty land despite the existence of Oklahomans, then set up a paramilitary organisation which burnt down Oklahoman villages, then declared that Oklahomans were only entitled to a third of Oklahoma and that the Californians' bit would be an ethnostate, and would you say that Oklahomans were entitled to their land back?

"And then, for no reason at all, robots decided to kill all humans..."

If Bobby ever gets a sexbot, you can count me in as part of the robot uprising.

 

[Tronathon242]

We get it, you still mad people got what they wanted, and got proven wrong. Now please shut the fuck up, and stop pretending you respect Snyder because we know you don't, and will never do.

Remember how much he ragged on Michael Bay? Snyder will get much more venomous takes because he committed a cardinal sin in Bobby's view of cinema.

 

[Christ4President2024]

Jesus christ this thread has become a literal 1:1 archive of bobs twitter and then some. Pretty much impossible to keep up with

 

[Sexy Senior Citizen]

Humanity's greatest predator is itself.

Given that fact, it's pretty obvious natural selection would favor those who had a stronger in-group preference than out-group preference. Your clan needed to stick together otherwise the other clan would take your stuff. There's billions of "diverse" people all over the world right now being racist and racism existed before the white man.

People in India and the Orient think blacks are subhuman. The Chinese are engaging in neocolonialism in Africa: propping up corrupt governments in return for bleeding the continent dry of resources.

But according to Bob, it's white people who are the problem.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Bob is honestly hilarious each and every day. I at first thought he was just a so bad it’s good shit tier internet review then a vile retard but then for the past few months have reminded that Bob is just a dumb loser who thinks he’s tougher and smarter then he is when he is also someone who’d cum all over a mediocre Kaiju movie and play with his toys when he’s not filming or tweeting

 

[Oh Long Johnson]

ot a Karen:

Reminder: Bob is not from Boston, does not and has never lived in Boston.

I hope some Sully stabs Bob with an American flag.

 

[TowinKarz]

I so deeply want these people to get exactly what they wish for, but I don't want the rest of the world to suffer the inconvenience.

Congratulations Comrade Robert! The Revolution succeeded while you were sleeping! Glory to Bluelandia!

*sound of AK being racked*

Not so fast, citizen! You don't need to post online about how great it is, everyone already agrees with us on that.

The reason we're here is that the Ministry of Plenty has determined your brackish apartment will make an ideal rice paddy, here, this is a bag of rice seed, from it, you are hereby ordered to produce 40 bushels of rice this year, or be executed as a traitor to the State!

" Let the robots do it? " What robots? Robotics is decadent capitalist ideology! Glory to the worker!

You "don't know how to farm?"

This all sounds like something a bourgie loser would say.... do you want executed now? We have bullets..... no, you don't need to go online to find out, we have it on your own Tweet history that you are accomplished in all fields and a genius, running a simple rice farm should be so easy that, in fact, we expect 80 bushels.

"Mistake"? Comrade, you know The State does not make mistakes.... now, get to meeting quota, and we're leaving Commissar Cletus behind to monitor your work. For every moment of suspected capitalist sympathy, he is authorized to shoot you in the leg!

ENDUT! HOCH HEICH!

 

[Grumpy Pickle Rick]

I hope Zatanna actually turns out good. The character is cool, has the possibility for a cool movie. And Disney shills will be mad because woke Marvel still hasn't invented a better roster of female characters than the ones DC has been sitting on for decades.

One of the things I hate about DC and Marvel is how they treat their properties. They have so many characters yet they keep using the same classic but overrated characters or the new woke division.

I’ve look up some dc comics and marvel comics and I found there are tons of underrated and underappreciated heroes and villains. Some of them are pretty cool and you could make a fortune off of them if you do it right.

Seriously, there’s tons of material that could be made into live-action movies and animated series.

1. Big Barda & Mister Miracle

2. Hydro-Man (Spider-Man villain)

3. Zachary Zatara (Zatanna’s cousin)

4. Franklin Richards (Fantastic Four)

5. The Question (Justice League)

These are just a few examples but the point is, there is potential with these underrated and obscure characters.

But knowing these companies they would probably turn into a crap kids show or a feminist power fantasy.

Late reply, sorry, but I forgot to quote this in an earlier post. I like this because it so succinctly nails the problem with a large number of lolcows: They believe they are entitled to the reward because they're the protagonists of the universe, and the hero always gets rewarded in the fiction they consume, be it the cool robot, the girl they like, or even just the praise of the common people. They never notice that the hero is usually required to put in some amount of effort, because their little brains filter out the 'bad' parts and focus on the good. Bob earned the superior future by "virtue" of being Bob. And will always be upset that that was never enough to get all the things he wants.

Exactly.

These lolcows (especially the autistic ones) think they’re special like Superman or Naruto. They think they got special talents or have a great destiny ahead but they don’t. They’re losers with delusions of grandeur. A bunch of shallow spergs who want power, fame and sex.

A real hero fights for what’s right, not for the benefits. They work hard to protect the world and keep the people safe. Superman fights guys Mongul and Darkseid who are as powerful as he is all the time. But he never loses his heart, his humility or his sense of right and wrong. That’s what makes him a hero.

It’s also why nerds like Bob could never measure up to someone like him.

True Commies (tm) never get that the executive level is just as replaceable as the prole level.

Anyone can dig a ditch, but only highly-evolved and unique human specimens can write their opinions down on paper and shuffle them around..... to Bob

The thing that defines a functional society is the fact that no one specialized/stratified level is irreplaceable. Any one soldier dies? Next man up. A truck driver crashes? Next man up. Farmer has a heart attack? Next man up. A pencil pusher falls out a window at the office? Oh, that's special somehow.... we can't go on without HIM.

And it's why dictatorships are unstable and self-defeating: aside from their inherent lack of respect for human rights, they now have introduced single-point failure to the model.

It’s true.

One of society’s biggest strength is unity. That no man or woman gets left behind. That everyone is important no matter what their job is. Bob thinks low class workers are useless but they’re one of our countries greatest asset.

“A nation's strength is found not in the number of its laws but in the character of its people.” - James Montgomery Boice

 

[Marshal Mannerheim]

Congratulations Comrade Robert! The Revolution succeeded while you were sleeping! Glory to Bluelandia!

*sound of AK being racked*

Not so fast, citizen! You don't need to post online about how great it is, everyone already agrees with us on that.

The reason we're here is that the Ministry of Plenty has determined your brackish apartment will make an ideal rice paddy, here, this is a bag of rice seed, from it, you are hereby ordered to produce 40 bushels of rice this year, or be executed as a traitor to the State!

" Let the robots do it? " What robots? Robotics is decadent capitalist ideology! Glory to the worker!

You "don't know how to farm?"

This all sounds like something a bourgie loser would say.... do you want executed now? We have bullets..... no, you don't need to go online to find out, we have it on your own Tweet history that you are accomplished in all fields and a genius, running a simple rice farm should be so easy that, in fact, we expect 80 bushels.

"Mistake"? Comrade, you know The State does not make mistakes....

I'm bored, so I might have a go.

Spoiler: long

In a Revere, MA basement, at eight in the morning, a Super Mario Bros. alarm clock rings. Robert ”Moviebob” Chipman, terror of the mayo ghouls and slayer of small amounts of McDonald's for average-sized people, awakes from his PBR-fuelled slumber and prepares to log on to Twitter, hoping to spend his morning looking at the fake tits of a CCP spy and calling for genocide. As he bounds merrily across his basement, knocking over a pyramid of empty beer cans, he hears some gunshots in the distance, but thinks nothing of it; it must be a strange PoC festival or something diverse.

As he turns on his phone and scrolls to Naomi Wu's meticulously bookmarked accounts, he notices that Twitter is down. ”That's odd”, he thinks to himself, but he thinks nothing more of it; he must have used up his data playing Nintendo last night. He has just decided to make a post on his Patreon asking for money for ”essential expenses” when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, instead of the underpaid Amazon driver with his Amiibo figurines he paid $50 apiece for, he sees two young men, one a black man holding a pistol and a white man holding a shotgun. They both wear identical uniforms and red berets, and as he prepares to ask what in the name of Richard Dawkins is going on, the white soldier begins to talk in a thick Southern accent;
”Good morning, citizen. I'm Commisar Cleetus, and this is Commisar Jamal.” As Bob stands astounded as to how a mayo ghoul could knock on his door without saying ten Hail Anitas as a penance for supporting Pmurt, Commisar Cleetus goes on.
”The National Movement for Justice has decided that you are a bourgeois white man and the recipient of unearned privilege. We have decided to send you to an accountability camp, where you will be taught by Comrade DiAngelo and unlearn your patriarchal whiteness. You have thirty minutes to collect your belongings, as well as any money to help pay your reparations.”

Bob laughs. Do these proles not know who he is? He's Moviebob, the chair of the Boston Online Film Critics' Association and a creative-class worker. Not only that, but some of the e-thots he gives money to every week are black! The nerve of these people to treat him like a MAGA chud is immense. Still, it can't hurt to get away from your basement flat once in a while, so he begins to pile some statues of Mario and TV dinners into a cardboard box.

An hour later, as Commisar Jamal's Jeep is rolling through the countryside somewhere south of Boston, Bob's brain cell leaps into action. Surely the new President will sort things out! After all, he's retweeted her enough, and even defended her from all those bigots on Twitter who mentioned her past career behind a bar, or the fact that she and economics were not known for their good relationship.

By a small miracle, the Jeep turns back onto the interstate and Jamal mutters something about this particular cracker being crazier than most. It doesn't matter; he'll get to see his waifu, and get rewarded with a nice desk jobs for his attempts to bring about the revolution through tweeting. He travels through the hills of New England, and his joy somehow allows him to ignore his hatred of the nearby population.

As the car pulls into the White House's car park, Bob looks desperately for any sign of his waifu, but he can't see her. Instead, a Somalian woman, wearing a hijab and a suit, walks out and greets the strange procession. To Bob, a student of international relations trained on such informative films as Team America: World Police, the situation is clear; Adhan, or whatever her name is in derkaderka, must have kidnapped the president! Bob triumphantly pulls out his .357 Magnum cap gun, ready to defend his lady's honour from Muslamic terrorists and Breadtube.
--------------------
A few days later, a short article appears on the website of Jacobin, now the new regime's newspaper of record.
Attempt made on President's life
Robert Chipman, a neoliberal online personality, was shot by members of the People's Revolutionary Guard after attempting to assassinate President Ocasio-Cortez.

After pulling out a fully-automated revolver that was probably also a scary black AR-15, Chipman aimed at Secretary of the Interior Omar, but missed. Several bullets managed to chip the stonework of the White House, and an investigation of Chipman's bag found numerous biological weapons, cunningly disguised as chicken marinaded in sriacha and Mountain Dew. Further investigations are currently underway.

 

[EnemyStand]

I'm bored, so I might have a go.

Spoiler: long

In a Revere, MA basement, at eight in the morning, a Super Mario Bros. alarm clock rings. Robert ”Moviebob” Chipman, terror of the mayo ghouls and slayer of small amounts of McDonald's for average-sized people, awakes from his PBR-fuelled slumber and prepares to log on to Twitter, hoping to spend his morning looking at the fake tits of a CCP spy and calling for genocide. As he bounds merrily across his basement, knocking over a pyramid of empty beer cans, he hears some gunshots in the distance, but thinks nothing of it; it must be a strange PoC festival or something diverse.

As he turns on his phone and scrolls to Naomi Wu's meticulously bookmarked accounts, he notices that Twitter is down. ”That's odd”, he thinks to himself, but he thinks nothing more of it; he must have used up his data playing Nintendo last night. He has just decided to make a post on his Patreon asking for money for ”essential expenses” when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, instead of the underpaid Amazon driver with his Amiibo figurines he paid $50 apiece for, he sees two young men, one a black man holding a pistol and a white man holding a shotgun. They both wear identical uniforms and red berets, and as he prepares to ask what in the name of Richard Dawkins is going on, the white soldier begins to talk in a thick Southern accent;
”Good morning, citizen. I'm Commisar Cleetus, and this is Commisar Jamal.” As Bob stands astounded as to how a mayo ghoul could knock on his door without saying ten Hail Anitas as a penance for supporting Pmurt, Commisar Cleetus goes on.
”The National Movement for Justice has decided that you are a bourgeois white man and the recipient of unearned privilege. We have decided to send you to an accountability camp, where you will be taught by Comrade DiAngelo and unlearn your patriarchal whiteness. You have thirty minutes to collect your belongings, as well as any money to help pay your reparations.”

Bob laughs. Do these proles not know who he is? He's Moviebob, the chair of the Boston Online Film Critics' Association and a creative-class worker. Not only that, but some of the e-thots he gives money to every week are black! The nerve of these people to treat him like a MAGA chud is immense. Still, it can't hurt to get away from your basement flat once in a while, so he begins to pile some statues of Mario and TV dinners into a cardboard box.

An hour later, as Commisar Jamal's Jeep is rolling through the countryside somewhere south of Boston, Bob's brain cell leaps into action. Surely the new President will sort things out! After all, he's retweeted her enough, and even defended her from all those bigots on Twitter who mentioned her past career behind a bar, or the fact that she and economics were not known for their good relationship.

By a small miracle, the Jeep turns back onto the interstate and Jamal mutters something about this particular cracker being crazier than most. It doesn't matter; he'll get to see his waifu, and get rewarded with a nice desk jobs for his attempts to bring about the revolution through tweeting. He travels through the hills of New England, and his joy somehow allows him to ignore his hatred of the nearby population.

As the car pulls into the White House's car park, Bob looks desperately for any sign of his waifu, but he can't see her. Instead, a Somalian woman, wearing a hijab and a suit, walks out and greets the strange procession. To Bob, a student of international relations trained on such informative films as Team America: World Police, the situation is clear; Adhan, or whatever her name is in derkaderka, must have kidnapped the president! Bob triumphantly pulls out his .357 Magnum cap gun, ready to defend his lady's honour from Muslamic terrorists and Breadtube.
--------------------
A few days later, a short article appears on the website of Jacobin, now the new regime's newspaper of record.
Attempt made on President's life
Robert Chipman, a neoliberal online personality, was shot by members of the People's Revolutionary Guard after attempting to assassinate President Ocasio-Cortez.

After pulling out a fully-automated revolver that was probably also a scary black AR-15, Chipman aimed at Secretary of the Interior Omar, but missed. Several bullets managed to chip the stonework of the White House, and an investigation of Chipman's bag found numerous biological weapons, cunningly disguised as chicken marinaded in sriacha and Mountain Dew. Further investigations are currently underway.

Man, is there a word for something funny that depresses you? Because the idea of the Squad running the country makes me almost suicidal.

 

[Adamska]

I'm bored, so I might have a go.

Spoiler: long

In a Revere, MA basement, at eight in the morning, a Super Mario Bros. alarm clock rings. Robert ”Moviebob” Chipman, terror of the mayo ghouls and slayer of small amounts of McDonald's for average-sized people, awakes from his PBR-fuelled slumber and prepares to log on to Twitter, hoping to spend his morning looking at the fake tits of a CCP spy and calling for genocide. As he bounds merrily across his basement, knocking over a pyramid of empty beer cans, he hears some gunshots in the distance, but thinks nothing of it; it must be a strange PoC festival or something diverse.

As he turns on his phone and scrolls to Naomi Wu's meticulously bookmarked accounts, he notices that Twitter is down. ”That's odd”, he thinks to himself, but he thinks nothing more of it; he must have used up his data playing Nintendo last night. He has just decided to make a post on his Patreon asking for money for ”essential expenses” when he hears a knock at the door.

When he opens it, instead of the underpaid Amazon driver with his Amiibo figurines he paid $50 apiece for, he sees two young men, one a black man holding a pistol and a white man holding a shotgun. They both wear identical uniforms and red berets, and as he prepares to ask what in the name of Richard Dawkins is going on, the white soldier begins to talk in a thick Southern accent;
”Good morning, citizen. I'm Commisar Cleetus, and this is Commisar Jamal.” As Bob stands astounded as to how a mayo ghoul could knock on his door without saying ten Hail Anitas as a penance for supporting Pmurt, Commisar Cleetus goes on.
”The National Movement for Justice has decided that you are a bourgeois white man and the recipient of unearned privilege. We have decided to send you to an accountability camp, where you will be taught by Comrade DiAngelo and unlearn your patriarchal whiteness. You have thirty minutes to collect your belongings, as well as any money to help pay your reparations.”

Bob laughs. Do these proles not know who he is? He's Moviebob, the chair of the Boston Online Film Critics' Association and a creative-class worker. Not only that, but some of the e-thots he gives money to every week are black! The nerve of these people to treat him like a MAGA chud is immense. Still, it can't hurt to get away from your basement flat once in a while, so he begins to pile some statues of Mario and TV dinners into a cardboard box.

An hour later, as Commisar Jamal's Jeep is rolling through the countryside somewhere south of Boston, Bob's brain cell leaps into action. Surely the new President will sort things out! After all, he's retweeted her enough, and even defended her from all those bigots on Twitter who mentioned her past career behind a bar, or the fact that she and economics were not known for their good relationship.

By a small miracle, the Jeep turns back onto the interstate and Jamal mutters something about this particular cracker being crazier than most. It doesn't matter; he'll get to see his waifu, and get rewarded with a nice desk jobs for his attempts to bring about the revolution through tweeting. He travels through the hills of New England, and his joy somehow allows him to ignore his hatred of the nearby population.

As the car pulls into the White House's car park, Bob looks desperately for any sign of his waifu, but he can't see her. Instead, a Somalian woman, wearing a hijab and a suit, walks out and greets the strange procession. To Bob, a student of international relations trained on such informative films as Team America: World Police, the situation is clear; Adhan, or whatever her name is in derkaderka, must have kidnapped the president! Bob triumphantly pulls out his .357 Magnum cap gun, ready to defend his lady's honour from Muslamic terrorists and Breadtube.
--------------------
A few days later, a short article appears on the website of Jacobin, now the new regime's newspaper of record.
Attempt made on President's life
Robert Chipman, a neoliberal online personality, was shot by members of the People's Revolutionary Guard after attempting to assassinate President Ocasio-Cortez.

After pulling out a fully-automated revolver that was probably also a scary black AR-15, Chipman aimed at Secretary of the Interior Omar, but missed. Several bullets managed to chip the stonework of the White House, and an investigation of Chipman's bag found numerous biological weapons, cunningly disguised as chicken marinaded in sriacha and Mountain Dew. Further investigations are currently underway.

Billy-Bob's a bit too happy and deluded, but this was a fun as hell read.

Honestly I can see him more in denial and tard screaming in rage at Cletus, probably because he remembered him as the country boy (ie he hunted with his dad sometimes) from 2nd grade who made fun of his luck totem and belief in Mario as a god. Bob is that petty.

 

[Oliver Onions]

Congratulations Comrade Robert! The Revolution succeeded while you were sleeping! Glory to Bluelandia!

*sound of AK being racked*

Not so fast, citizen! You don't need to post online about how great it is, everyone already agrees with us on that.

The reason we're here is that the Ministry of Plenty has determined your brackish apartment will make an ideal rice paddy, here, this is a bag of rice seed, from it, you are hereby ordered to produce 40 bushels of rice this year, or be executed as a traitor to the State!

" Let the robots do it? " What robots? Robotics is decadent capitalist ideology! Glory to the worker!

You "don't know how to farm?"

This all sounds like something a bourgie loser would say.... do you want executed now? We have bullets..... no, you don't need to go online to find out, we have it on your own Tweet history that you are accomplished in all fields and a genius, running a simple rice farm should be so easy that, in fact, we expect 80 bushels.

"Mistake"? Comrade, you know The State does not make mistakes.... now, get to meeting quota, and we're leaving Commissar Cletus behind to monitor your work. For every moment of suspected capitalist sympathy, he is authorized to shoot you in the leg!

ENDUT! HOCH HEICH!

The only edit I demand is Bob being forcibly turned into a eunuch after it's decided his genes are lacking and won't be required for the state-monitored breeding program; non-procreational sexual impulse obviously running counter to an efficient and productive society.

Glory to the Motherland!