DarksydePhils (also known as the common Pigroach) are disgusting, stupid, and mean spirited companions. But they're good pets for everyone who has an intellectual handicap. There's no doubt that when given the proper care and training, a Pigroach can suck all of the financial assets straight out of any upper-middle class home. However, some people don't realize the demands of keeping pigroaches as pets and are overwhelmed by their needs. Pigroaches are not smart and averse to curiousity, and it can be almost impossible to keep them entertained without a video game. Plus, it can be hard to manage a healthy diet for a pigroach, largely because of their insatiable appetite for grease, lard and penne.
Overall, expect to spend a lot of time each day feeling disappointed with your pet pigroach, as well as keeping it enraged through gameplay and game over screens in order to maximize the entertainment value of your animal.
Breed Overview
COMMON NAME: Phil Burnell
SCIENTIFIC NAME: Piggus Roachus Filbernelii
ADULT SIZE: 5'9", 260lbs
LIFE EXPECTANCY: 40-45 years on average
Pigroach Behavior and Temperament:
Some people equate having a pigroach with having an annoying, expensive, small fat child, despite the relatively advanced age of the pigroach. And while the species share some characteristics, such as their quickness to anger, reliance on bullshit excuses to shroud or compensate for their lack of skill, and propensity toward manipulative behavior toward the goal of total monetary parasitism, pigroaches do still have a unique set of behaviors. Pigroaches are very stupid and repulsive animals. They cannot be house trained, learn to walk properly, or even perform properly at their sole hobby: adult video gaming. However, they are generally a bit weak and sensitive. A person must earn their cooperation through lots of positive reinforcement, especially money. Your pigroach will require a daily salary, preferably 95-100% of your gross income, a steady internet connection, smartphone, and the mobile application "WWE Champions". This is where the majority of your pigroach budget will go.
A pigroaches' low intelligence means it will become bored and potentially destructive easily when it doesn’t have enough stupid bullshit to whine and cry about all day long. Also, by nature pigroaches like to snort loudly at all hours of the day and night (the pigroach will justify this by claiming that it will choke and die if it does not perform this repulsive activity) possibly making you vomit in disgust on a regular basis. Hiding some of their daily food in the toilet will not work as, in the mind of a pigroach, the toilet is a place where food belongs.
Pigroaches cannot form close bonds with humans. They also cannot learn to coexist peacefully with other animals in the house. In fact, keeping multiple pigroaches together is a quick way to overload your patience and frequently leads to violent murder-suicide of pigroach and owner.
Pet pigroaches hate to be corrected or given criticism by their humans and will generally lean-in-ban those who attempt these activities. They’re generally disgusting animals, and they can become aggressive toward humans or other animals if they feel inferior, in danger of losing subs, or trolled. Spaying or neutering your pigroach is HIGHLY RECOMMENDED, however, you are generally safe either way as the pigroach almost never mates. This is due to the fact that other animals find the pigroach utterly fucking disgusting and simply because the pigroach is the only kind of its species. Homosexual activity between pigroaches is highly probably however has never been observed in the wild. In addition, pigroaches can produce some extremely loud vocalizations when they express their emotions. If you're looking for a quiet pet, a pigroach isn't it.
Pigroaches need to be taught to respect their owners by having rules and boundaries, however, this is impossible due to the pigroaches' total selfishness and demanding nature. Because of this, consistently punish your pigroach with a rolled up newspaper or brick and call the whole family around to watch, in order to effectively spread all of the lulz. Repetition and forceful beatings are key in producing entertainment for the whole family.
Housing the Pigroach:
Because pigroaches aren't smart, you won't need to pig-proof any areas of your house where the pigroach will have access, much like you’d baby-proof a home for a toddler...this is unnecessary as any harm that comes to the pigroach through its retarded actions will be absolutely hilarious. Don't cover electrical sockets, make sure any steps are not cordoned off, and add many, many tripping hazards such as cords and rugs. Although they can be destructive if they don't have enough of their own vidya gayms to play with, pigroaches are not clean animals. You cannot potty train your pigroach and it will defecate, urinate, and masturbate at will.
