Hamburgers that fall apart when you eat them fucking suck and the people who make them should die. - (Five Guys, Smashburger, Hipster Asshole's Trendy Downtown Artisanal Fuckface Burger, just to name a few.)

[Napoleon Bonerfart]

Those expensive specialty places that treat hamburgers the same way Applebee's treats loaded nachos, are fucking assholes You ever try just like taking a bite of one of their monstrosities like a civilized human being? Holy fuck shit spills everywhere. That's really poor assembly. it's bad planning. The architecture of this hamburger is flawed. You got to hold the thing in the goddamn foil to eat it and then you got to peel the foil back just enough so that you don't bite into the foil.

(Next let me explain to you why most gyros are fucking dumb for the same reason.)

 

[wtfNeedSignUp]

It's really annoying to buy a burger that has a ton of juice and the bun disintegrates as you eat it.

 

[SmokelessFire]

bite of one of their monstrosities like a civilized human being? Holy fuck shit spills everywhere.

If your going to complain about a messy burger, just eat it with a fork and knife, sissy liberal. A loaded ass hamburger is part of being an American, a human even, to be sick and begging for mercy. To know despair and glory.

 

[TEA 3HF]

This nigga thinks I'm spending more than $4.00 on a burger in the imfirst place.

 

[Tablet County]

SKILL
ISSUE
GET
RAPED

 

[Rango Dango]

just make your own

 

[durrdurrdurr]

I hate it when I eat a burger and all the cum squirts out the back onto rabbis shoes and I have to lick it all up

 

[MIU]

Usually those restaurants give gloves to eat the burger with, which I think is fair. But I agree there is a severe lack of competition in the portable burger market when it comes to local burger places

 

[Blindeye]

The secret to this and the crumbling taco problem is the same: you're holding your food like a limpwristed bitch and expecting it to hold itself together, but you're meant to squeeze it with your hands, compress the burger down if necessary, and use the pressure to keep the integrity while you shovel it down. You also need to take big, full, decisive bites, if you nibble slowly then the toppings will be pushed to the other side before you can cut through them. Chomp down hard, all the way through the food in one clean bite, like you're a wolf tearing flesh

 

[Brenda Holiday]

The secret to this and the crumbling taco problem is the same: you're holding your food like a limpwristed bitch and expecting it to hold itself together, but you're meant to squeeze it with your hands, compress the burger down if necessary, and use the pressure to keep the integrity while you shovel it down. You also need to take big, full, decisive bites, if you nibble slowly then the toppings will be pushed to the other side before you can cut through them. Chomp down hard, all the way through the food in one clean bite, like you're a wolf tearing flesh

Exactly, gotta eat that shit Jack Scalfani style bish

 

[souschef]

Maybe people should stop being fat and ordering burgers with 20 fucking ingredients on it

 

[Figger Nucker]

Maybe people should stop being fat and ordering burgers with 20 fucking ingredients on it

Silence Europoor, burgers MUST be stacked high or else the Communists win.

 

[MrTroll]

Have you considered putting it into a food processor and grinding it into a semi-liquid paste and then drinking it like a normal person? Huh? You think of that?

 

[windymill]

If your going to complain about a messy burger, just eat it with a fork and knife, sissy liberal. A loaded ass hamburger is part of being an American, a human even, to be sick and begging for mercy. To know despair and glory.

How the FUCK you advocate eating a burger using FUCKING cutlery IN AMERICA and then call the other guy a sissy liberal??

The only cutlery I use on sloppy burgers is MY ERECT COCK and by SLOPPY BURGER I mean YOUR WIFE'S VAGINA.

 

[Prehistoric Jazz]

Scalfani looks like he's stifling a cough from his simpsonic mouth in that photo

 

[Beelzebub's Lawyer]

you're meant to squeeze it with your hands, compress the burger down if necessary, and use the pressure to keep the integrity while you shovel it down. You also need to take big, full, decisive bites, if you nibble slowly then the toppings will be pushed to the other side before you can cut through them.

Isn't this detailed instruction manual kind of proving the OP's point?

 

[Bloitzhole]

you're holding your food like a limpwristed bitch and expecting it to hold itself together, but you're meant to squeeze it with your hands, compress the burger down if necessary, and use the pressure to keep the integrity while you shovel it down.

Ideally you use your middle three fingers on top and your thumbs and pinkies at the bottom (front and back) - this allows you to keep the contents from slipping out at either side but gives you good squeezing force in the center. It feels odd when you first do it but works very well.

 

[Wahgonga]

I solved that problem by making my burger patties larger diameter with matching sized buns from a local bakery. You can stack more stuff without making things too tall. I like to do venison with bacon and Swiss on sourdough. Never had any complaints.

 

[Kharash]

This thread:

0:35

 

[Ryo Ma]

Burger should be wide not tall. Tall burger maker is a fool and a nigger