Culture What Did We Get Stuck in Our Rectums Last Year - 2025 edition.

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https://archive.is/IyAxw

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This is the time of year to be grateful for not having things stuck in our asses, and to think of those less fortunate than us. So spare a thought for those Americans who misjudged the capacity of their own orifices.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the people involved had a very bad time.

Penis

  • BATTERY
  • CANDLE WAX
  • CHESS PIECE
  • 2 GLASS BEADS
  • PEN
  • PENCIL
  • COMB
  • APPLE STEMS
  • APPLE CORE
  • BOBBY PIN
  • PAPER CLIP
  • MAGNETS
  • SPRING
  • SCREW
  • STAPLES
  • THERMOMETER
  • HEADPHONES
  • GUITAR STRING
  • ALLEN WRENCH
Vagina

  • HOLIDAY BELL
  • LIGHTER
  • ALUMINUM FOIL
  • COTTON BALLS
  • POPSICLE STICK
  • PLASTIC ORCA
  • GEMSTONE
  • "INSERTED TWO DIAMOND RINGS IN HER VAGINA WHILE AT A PARTY IN FEAR THEY WOULD BE STOLEN"
  • LATEX GLOVE
  • BATH BOMB
  • SMALL PLASTIC MERMAID
  • FLOWER TOY
  • "REPORTS A BAG OF MARIJUANA HAS BEEN IN HER VAGINA FOR 2 DAYS AND IS UNCOMFORTABLE"
  • BRACELET CHARMS
  • 2 VIBRATORS
  • PENIS RING
  • 2 PENIS RINGS
  • 2 SPOONS
  • "WAS USING A PIECE OF PLASTIC TO MASTURBATE WHEN GOT SPOOKED BY THE WIND OUTSIDE AND THREW THE SHEET OVER HERSELF IN THE PROCESS LODGING THE PIECE OF PLASTIC DEEPER INTO HER VAGINA AND WASN'T ABLE TO RETRIEVE"
  • HAIRBRUSH
  • DETERGENT POD
  • PLUNGER CAP
  • BEER BOTTLE, "WAS ON A CRUISE ON HER HONEYMOON"
Rectum

  • LUBRICANT BOTTLE
  • ENEMA BOTTLE
  • NAILS
  • SCREWS AND NAILS
  • "PATIENT STATES HE PUT A BASEBALL IN HIS RECTUM TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE"
  • AEROSOL CAN
  • DOG CHEW TOY
  • DRYER SHEET
  • "WAS FEELING CONSTIPATED FOR 2 DAYS, HE TOOK THE BASE OFF OF HIS BEARD CLIPPERS AND WRAPPED IN A PLASTIC BAGGIE, INSERTED INTO THE RECTUM AND IT GOT STUCK"
  • BATON
  • HAIR TIE
  • "CONCERN ABOUT IF HE STILL HAD A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HIS RECTUM. HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACED IT THERE ON FRIDAY"
  • TURKEY BASTER
  • PLASTIC CLEANSER BOTTLE (FULL OF LIQUID)
  • "REPORTS HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WENT INTO HIS RECTUM"
  • "STATES HE WAS IN THE SHOWER 'WAS BORED' WHEN PT PLACED SHAMPOO BOTTLE INTO RECTUM"
  • DENTAL PICK
  • WINE STOPPER
  • CORN COB HOLDER
  • "HAD GONE OUT WITH WIFE WIFE LAST NIGHT AND HAD TOO MANY DRINKS, WENT HOME DRUNK, WIFE INSERTED A RUBBERY SEX TOY INTO PT'S RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE"
  • HIGHLIGHTER
  • INVISIBLE MARKER
  • MAGIC WAND TOY
  • "REPORTS 7-INCH DILDO INSERTED INTO RECTUM WHEN IT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOO FAR. HE ATTEMPTED TO USE PLIERS TO REMOVE IT. PLIERS STUCK TOO"
  • MARBLES
  • FILM CANISTER
  • BATTERY-POWERED LIGHT
  • "PLASTIC COATHANGER INSIDE HIS ANUS. HE INSERTED THE HANGER DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITY. HE CUT OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HANGER SO HE COULD DRIVE TO THE ER"
  • PENNY
  • SANDAL
  • DOORKNOB
  • "HE INSERTED A LIGHT BULB INTO HIS RECTUM THIS MORNING WITH THE GLASS SIDE FIRST AND DUE TO THE SUCTION EFFECT, THE BULB GOT SUCKED UP"
  • FLASHLIGHT
  • VAPE PEN
  • "POSSIBLE RECTAL FOREIGN BODY. SHE REPORTS PLACING A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM, SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER REMOVING IT AND CANNOT FIND IT"
  • 2 PENCILS
  • CORNCOB-STYLE PIPE
  • "REPORTS USING A BUTT PLUG IN HER ANUS A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN IT BROKE OFF. SIGNIFICANT OTHER USED TWEEZERS TO RETRIEVE PIECE THAT BROKE OFF. TWEEZERS NOW STUCK IN RECTUM"
  • RUBBER GASKET
  • UNCOOKED PASTA
  • PIECE OF NOSE HAIR TRIMMER
  • "STATES HE HAS A FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM THAT IS VIBRATING. HE STATES HE WAS WITH A GIRL LAST NIGHT AND DOESN'T REMEMBER MUCH"
  • EYEGLASSES
  • ROCK
  • EGG
  • "WAS BEING INTIMATE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEY SHOVED A RECTANGULAR TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER IN HIS RECTUM, WAS ABLE TO GET HALF OF IT OUT"
  • MULTIPLE SEX TOYS
  • CAT-HEADED VIBRATOR
  • 18-INCH DILDO
  • 24-INCH DILDO
  • "REPORTS HAVING A 6 INCH VIBRATOR IN RECTUM SINCE 2:00 PM TODAY. DOESN'T RECALL PLACING VIBRATOR IN RECTUM. ALSO REPORTED TAKING 'POPPERS' AT THE TIME"
 
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Agent Abe Caprine powiedział(a):
REPORTS A BAG OF MARIJUANA HAS BEEN IN HER VAGINA FOR 2 DAYS AND IS
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Would any woman be kind enough to enlighten me how things actually get stuck in the vagina? I mean Ive gotten some fingers pretty deep into some and it seems like you should be able to wedge things out eventually, but I don't know the mechanics like I do an anus.
 
UselessRubberKeyboard powiedział(a):
I don’t understand the ass ones. Why not just wait until you need a shit (obv unless it’s too painful to do so)? Plenty of times people have swallowed stupid stuff and shit it out just fine. Surely anything lodged in there is just waiting for a clearout?
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I think if you get stuff far up enough in the ass you don't have the ability to "push" anymore. If something super solid is actually beyond the anal muscles, it's literally like being constipated, your system is clogged. But if it's a plastic object you can't soften it by any means whatsoever.
 
An internet show I used to watch would always call this yearly report 'The Rectalspective' and it still makes me laugh. Merry Christmas, everyone.
 
When I was your age I got Goatse AND Tub Girl stuck up my ass one Christmas. It took all of the Lemon Party to pull them out.

What a bunch of fuckin amateurs. Y'all need to get those numbers up.

(I never did get that wedding ring unlodged though...)
 
McLean Deluxe powiedział(a):
Would any woman be kind enough to enlighten me how things actually get stuck in the vagina? I mean Ive gotten some fingers pretty deep into some and it seems like you should be able to wedge things out eventually, but I don't know the mechanics like I do an anus.
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I have a hunch that one and the film canister were drug smuggling.
 
Agent Abe Caprine powiedział(a):
REPORTS 7-INCH DILDO INSERTED INTO RECTUM WHEN IT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOO FAR. HE ATTEMPTED TO USE PLIERS TO REMOVE IT. PLIERS STUCK TOO"
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This made me laugh
*sad trombone noises* uhoh!
Agent Abe Caprine powiedział(a):
24-INCH DILDO
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I mean I know I’m on the petite side but in the interests of science I just got a measuring tape (on the outside, safety first!) and 24 inches from my bum reaches the top of where my heart is. All i can say is what the fuck, fucks sake, you fucking degenerate. Hilarious.
 
Otterly powiedział(a):
Mean I know I’m on the petite side but in the interests of science I just got a measuring tape (on the outside, safety first!) and 24 inches from my bum reaches the top of where my heart is. All i can say is what the fuck, fucks sake, you fucking degenerate. Hilarious.
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If I were the proctologist I think I'd hang that one on the office wall like a trophy Bass.
 
UselessRubberKeyboard powiedział(a):
Unless a lady’s vagina is a foot long, I don’t really understand not being able to get stuff out of there on your own either. It’s a tube with a blind end, not endless like the rectum and bowels are. Just relax and find a position to get your fingers in there (or ask a trusted friend, but be prepared for having to bribe them yearly to stay quiet about it at parties).
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Gotta pry the vagina open because it's not going to dilate on its own unless the woman's in labor.

Oh fuck, now I'm wondering how many of these people are fat.
:stress:
 
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