Sometimes I wish the transformation was complete and instead of becoming self-aware of how antithetically I have become to myself, I would just be blissfully unaware of what I've lost. I wasn't always this subhuman, in fact, I was born gifted.
My sense of intelligence and perception were far beyond most children my age, I even had my IQ tested at 129. Were is the key word here - now I am a stupid brute who's insensitivity is immediately obvious to everyone including myself.
There is not a single day that goes by without this loss at the back of my head. Why do you guys think I hung around with so many people who didn't have their inner magnificence destroyed? I simply wanted to share it together.
I've always wanted to be some kind of writer or artist but I have nothing worthwhile to say which is immediately apparent to literally everyone, which is why "Soyteen Liker is fat and ugly!" gets weaponized so much against me. I cannot bypass my default worth. I still have the glimmer of hope that *somehow* I can become someone of value but every day this seems more like an impossibility. Sometimes I even doubt the beauty of the world even existed for someone like me - my mom seems to have forgotten how radiant I once was. It goes a lot deeper than just "I was smart and now I'm dumb xd" - my whole orientation to the world changed and for the life of me I cannot figure out why. I had a whole depth of processing that I cannot recreate no matter how hard I try.
I had respect for intimacy and couldn't even look at others in the eye because I felt like I was hurting them somehow. It's related to autism sure, which brings me to my next point. It's like I fail at the things autists are good at and fail at the things normal people are good at. Obviously I can't be normal per se (neurotypical), it's not in my nature to. Which is why I want to be a good autist most of all since I had a blueprint of what that was like. It's probably related to my autoandrophilia in a way. Troons like to say stuff like "Estrogen made me less autistic" which is dumb because they just think it's part of their "girl brain" manifesting.
Although, I've also heard of redpill types claiming that autism is the extreme male brain and that testosterone amplifies it. While IWNBAM is clear and I am NOT pooning out, something about having this increased autism is infinitely appealing to me. My greatest wish is to have that depth of processing once more. It means everything to me - because it's the only thing that CAN have meaning to me. It was so painful, even agonizing at times when the depths of loneliness and the extremes of humiliation would strike me. Everything was beautiful - and everything hurt. I am homesick for not a place, nor a feeling but rather, to *feel.* To be truly alive and gracious for everything. Yet instead I am cursed to have lost what I had considered the greatest gift. While it has been brought up that it could potentially be the antipsychotics, I don't think this is the case. My innermost essence had already began to wilt away at around 8 years old. Initially I welcomed this because I was just a kid who didn't want everything to be so exhausting. It continued this way up until I was about 12-13 years old and then came the agitation.It seems that the agitation is my unconscious mind's compensation against the loss of the innermost self. It manifests itself in giving me signs of severe stress or even trauma - although I don't have any evidence that anything traumatic happened to me. One of these signs is head pain I never get used to that is never alleviated with anything. I got IV injections and they even offered morphine but my family and I had to reject it due to the possibility of it interfering with my other medications.
I don't say this - any of this to foster a sense of sympathy or pity within the reader. I simply feel a need to explain how I am, perhaps because some anxiety bled through the layers of protection I almost always I have when I woke up this morning.
I can say more, but it would probably detract from my final point. My final point is to cherish what you have and be grateful for the good things because you'll never know when you'll lose them or if you can ever have them back. Modern society is built to highlight the problems, highlight "what's wrong" instead of what's right. This is probably why progressives are rarely happy but that's a discussion for another time. While I am clearly an unhappy person, there's still a few things that I still value.
I value my friends, my family, my ex, and the precious memories I still had before my innermost essence wilted. One of my favorite memories ever was me going to Punta Cana when I was 11 with my family. It was so beautiful and serene and even thinking about this is bringing me to tears. I loved the coconut water, I loved the environment, I loved everything. I was full of wonder, awe, and appreciation. I could never recreate that with vacations afterwards. Just... try to appreciate your life. I've tried to help people and failed many times obviously, but I just really felt like sharing this today and hope it doesn't fall on deaf ears. I'm so sorry for all the trouble I've caused and I hope people have at least *one* good memory of me and the things I've said. That's all for now. See you guys.