Are you lost needing femoid advice post here - For the poor bastard's who dare or are just curious

[ThePozzedOutCritic]

Is it normal to go get married in a different country? People over here usually get married around their home town or village so it's pretty strange to me.

 

[Hubelublub]

but if your best friend was complaining about not being able to pick anything for her own wedding - and then, not even being able to choose when or where its happening at last minute, bitched at you about the family she's marrying into and how controlling the whole thing was and how they wouldn't take her feelings into account

wouldn't you have some questions and concerns?

Yeah, why the fuck am I besties with such a fucking idiot?

 

[Bean Sidhe]

I have a question for my kiwisisters, and I wasn't sure if I should put it here or in the Lesbian thread, but here goes.

I have a young relative (early 20's) who is a lesbian. She says she is a stone butch, which I had to look up, but do not completely understand. She also claims she is trans (??!!) and I do know she has asked other people to refer to her as him/his/ etc. She has not asked this of me. She says she is not male. (???!!!) She does not present as particularly masculine as such, but she does have the short hair, combat boots, baggy clothes uniform thing going on. She is very invested in trans shit, and in fact dated a trans woman (who literally made zero effort to seem like a woman in ANY WAY). So that kind of blew my mind. Still, she wholeheartedly believes in ~the message~. I understand the butch aspect, but otherwise, I DO NOT UNDERSTAND ANY OF THIS, and in fact I find it really difficult to wrap my head around any of it. I hate to be an old fart shaking their cane and telling kids to get off my lawn, but as far as I know none of this was an issue when I was learning about sexuality. Anyway.

My situation is as follows. She wants me to have a therapy session with her and her therapist to discuss gender and identity. I feel wary, not the least because I have literally zero connection with this therapist. The last time we discussed any of this stuff, we agreed to disagree (after I told her that I thought that trans people who made literally no effort to, you know, ~trans~ ition, did not get to be offended by people not referring to them by their ~pronouns~ . E.g., a 6'2" schlub with a backwards baseball cap and a five-o-clock shadow didnt get to be huffy if he was called HE. I am not sure why she is dredging this up now. I suspect she wants me to use her pronouns, among other thigns. Or maybe she is going to tell me she wants to lop off her tits. We'll see, I guess.

Anyway, back to the therapy session. Do any of my kiwisisters have any advice for me going into this shebang? What do I even say to her? Can someone explain any of this to me? Why is a lesbian saying she is trans, THAT MAKES NO SENSE. I honestly feel like throwing myself off a cliff right now lol. I am so tired of this shit. I am exhausted just thinking about it, and I am dreading it.

 

[Hubelublub]

a lesbian

dated a trans woman

It's one, or the other. Or neither.
But it can't be both.

She wants me to have a therapy session confession with her and her therapist priest to discuss gender and identity sin and faith.

I clarified some language, hopefully this will help you make a decision.

There's probably no easy way to handle this, the people in this cult are batshit insane and have a capacity to twist anything into the worst of abuse. The more you say, the more they have to hang you with.

I would suggest focusing less on her and more on you. Worry less about her feelings and her wrath, and make sure instead that you make decisions that you can live with.

If you don't feel like going to this gay little struggle session, don't. Someone asking you to do something does not compell you to do it. That's why they had to ask.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

She wants me to have a therapy session with her and her therapist to discuss gender and identity. I feel wary, not the least because I have literally zero connection with this therapist. The last time we discussed any of this stuff, we agreed to disagree (after I told her that I thought that trans people who made literally no effort to, you know, ~trans~ ition, did not get to be offended by people not referring to them by their ~pronouns~ . E.g., a 6'2" schlub with a backwards baseball cap and a five-o-clock shadow didnt get to be huffy if he was called HE. I am not sure why she is dredging this up now. I suspect she wants me to use her pronouns, among other thigns. Or maybe she is going to tell me she wants to lop off her tits. We'll see, I guess.

You might be on to something about the chest chop - seems odd she’d suddenly invite you (or anyone) to a (her) therapy session to talk about “gender and identity.”

Tbh, in general I’d stop arguing with her about things like who gets to be mad about what. There’s no point - it’s a Vietnam-scale quagmire of debates.

I assume she’s young adult age, which is my kids’ ages, so this scenario made me thing about how we have talked about these things.

Spoiler: Talking about these things

I’ve not (knock wood) dealt with any gender confusion from my kids or their close friends, though the vogue of the last 8 years +/- was so strong even in our pretty plain vanilla corner of the world that they almost were forced to question what they knew and wasn’t the least bit controversial to them personally, just because the thinking was so strong and so everywhere it kind of upended normalcy for a certain age cohort (my kids are young adults).

And one of my kids is very very liberal - and very sparky/ defensive about it. I respect my kids and also know that this issue isn’t one worth letting be a sore spot between us. So I keep my comments more to the, “I am concerned about this having become such a massive push and presence - these kids/ people are being pushed into what they think are easy solutions to problems they don’t actually have, and a lot of them are being permanently disfigured. I don’t have a problem with how anyone who is not harmful or being harmed wants to be, but I am concerned that people are being exploited and groomed and misled, and in many cases mutilated and losing their whole present and future.…”

All of which is true; I’m not pandering. But it puts our different views in a less politicized or oppositional framework and focuses it on the very actual and potential harm out there, rather than a generational or political difference. I stay away from inflammatory terminology. I’m working my way toward the logical statement that putting on different clothes or wearing/ not wearing makeup, or surgery and artificial hormones to manipulate your body against itself, doesn’t change your sex any more than me putting on a pair of jeans and a baseball cap turns me into a man for a day. But tbh, the logic and direct political debates can wait; I’m building a slower case by starting with the least controversial bits.* My frustration with some of the extreme things we see here takes a back seat to a respectful and positive relationship with my kids. They know I’m holding my tongue in the debate equivalent of The Look from mothers to silence misbehaving children, but it’s the grownup version that acknowledges their status as adults.

* this persuasive approach confirms some common ground, sets a tone of reasonableness and agreement, delays and isolates the debate, and pulls the other person partway down your path without them getting positional and oppositional t…and without casualties, all of which I find helpful when engaging with teens and young adults, especially

If it directly affected any of my kids, I’m sure I’d have a harder time being so careful and patient while waiting for the views to fade. But given your niece is well down the path of confusion and in therapy for it, I think that - if it’s what you want/think - you could strip out the political debate and instead frame your concerns more about her bodily integrity (i.e., not chopping it up), giving things time to settle [she’s in therapy so I assume there’s been some inner turmoil], considering alternatives, building up her self-esteem and downplaying fixation on “gender and identity.”

Maybe accidentally expose her (phrasing!) to some women (butch and/or lesbian, even better, I guess) who do their own thing and have been cool and successful…as women. Like if niece is into art, I would not be above seeking out butch lesbian artists and occasionally sharing a picture of their art or a profile of them like, this is cool - what do you think? Just dropping some subtle alternatives and role models for her somehow.

People pooh-pooh the value of seeing “people like me,” bc those people hate DEI, and it’s all connected in concept - but I 100% disagree. Especially for impressionable (young or new in a job/adult world, but also the confused or lacking in maturity or self esteem in some way) people, seeing a strong and impressive person who started out “like me” can flip a switch of inspiration. But if all they see and all they hear, and their trusted therapist and their friends and ever-present social media all push to, is one inevitable outcome (transition, in this case) then that will become all they can imagine.

So I went way off here, but tl; dr: I am ginger about it with young people I care about because I want to persuade and empower and have the best and healthiest outcome for them, not debate politics. I don’t know that I could be calm about it if my niece wanted to do something like this, but I think I would still try to keep focusing on her specific situation and on encouraging non-permanent body-altering measures, or at least minimal incremental change. Though if it were my niece and she did want to do hormones or surgery and asked for my support of medical intervention or my alliance vs her parents, I personally would have to go full Meatloaf** and tell her that I love and support her to the ends of the earth, but I can’t do that. Love and acceptance doesn’t always mean agreement or facilitation.

**

 

[⋖ cørdion ⋗]

Not so much advice but rather insight. How come women are so openly and confidently subjective about themselves? It's most prominent in dating profiles and other such self-description but there's a general air around women where it's perfectly fine to put subjective labels on themselves. "I'm a kind, funny, charming girl " (of 38). They'll tag their streams 'mommy' on top of already choosing QueenFirstName for an alias and what not.

I don't recall, granted I don't browse male profiles, ever having seen a dude call himself studly and charming, though I'm sure it happens. Is it something women are even aware of or does it stem from being more cuddled in their childhood? I watched that Bryan Johnson documentary and he and his son verbally praise each other nonstop and it's almost off-putting when it should be inspiring. It's really just not a male thing, and not in terms of 'le doesn't speak about feelings' or whatever, but being subjective. I put in a lot of work in my conversations with people but I wouldn't call myself "Fun and engaging" when the bore of a bitch I'm talking to does.

 

[ThePozzedOutCritic]

'mommy' on top of already choosing QueenFirstName for an alias and what not.

I'm afraid you've been jakkin it to trannies

 

[Treasure Champs]

My situation is as follows. She wants me to have a therapy session with her and her therapist to discuss gender and identity.

Oh, dear god, no. Honest answer. The genderists are a cult and more than likely, they are going to gang up on you about your "problematic" views. The fact that their cult-logic makes absolutely no sense is no obstacle to the modern Spanish Inquisition. Every time you point out the flaws in their thinking they will just sigh and say you are being bigoted or small-minded or transphobic. Go visit the Rowling Derangement thread if you'd like to see what they say to and about a lady who politely pointed out where the gender cult makes no sense and is bad for women. It'll give you a heads up about what sort of nonsense you are likely to hear. Notice in particular that the mere thought that someone, anywhere is sitting around being a non-believer makes them uncomfortable at best and violently-ragey at worst. They do not believe in live and let live. You join the cult or you're the enemy.

Basically:

If you don't feel like going to this gay little struggle session, don't. Someone asking you to do something does not compell you to do it. That's why they had to ask.

Just don't fucking go. There is no reasoning with the cult, there is only about a 1% chance the therapist will be based and about a similar chance discussing "gender" with your relative in therapy will improve your relationship. Run like the wind while you still can.

 

[Hubelublub]

there's a general air around women where it's perfectly fine to put subjective labels on themselves

the bore of a bitch I'm talking to

The moids, they're not sending their best.

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Not so much advice but rather insight. How come women are so openly and confidently subjective about themselves? It's most prominent in dating profiles and other such self-description but there's a general air around women where it's perfectly fine to put subjective labels on themselves. "I'm a kind, funny, charming girl " (of 38). They'll tag their streams 'mommy' on top of already choosing QueenFirstName for an alias and what not.

I don't recall, granted I don't browse male profiles, ever having seen a dude call himself studly and charming, though I'm sure it happens. Is it something women are even aware of or does it stem from being more cuddled in their childhood? I watched that Bryan Johnson documentary and he and his son verbally praise each other nonstop and it's almost off-putting when it should be inspiring. It's really just not a male thing, and not in terms of 'le doesn't speak about feelings' or whatever, but being subjective. I put in a lot of work in my conversations with people but I wouldn't call myself "Fun and engaging" when the bore of a bitch I'm talking to does.

What do you say about yourself in work year-end reviews?

And what do you say about yourself in online profiles? Because generic nothing is boring.

I would suggest that most people aren’t being completely subjective in their writings. If your whole life people tell you you’re a riot, or if you do daredevil things that many others are afraid to do, it’s not “subjective” to say you’re funny or adventurous.

Now, that person’s scale of “funny” or “adventurous” might not be your scale of funny or adventurous, but they’re not wrong for putting something down that they or others perceive.

Why would you think anything anyone says about themselves is or can be wholly objective? Or that “funny” or “charming” is an objective measure?

FWIW, years ago I did old. Could not even begin to count the number of dull, wet-blanket, mid-wit potato men with no interests describing themselves as smart, charming, fun, light-hearted, active, etc. And I’m sure that at least of few of them were (sort of) those things in their world. But their world isn’t mine.

As for “mommy,” I’d also guess that MOST are putting mommy if they’re actual mothers*. Weird but whatever. Curious why you’re attracted to “mommies.”
* or you’re paying attention to fetish-advertisers

My bigger question, though, is why are you looking for things to object to? Online profiles are like résumés (or should be, if you want interest) - they’re meant to attract and put your best foot forward. Interacting is a mutual interview. And a lively or whatever person may be dull when you talk if they are bored by you, btw.

 

[Core Theorist]

Not so much advice but rather insight. How come women are so openly and confidently subjective about themselves? (...)

Yeah, I prefer it too when people describe themselves and their complex inner and outer worlds in extremely objective terms. Y'know, male or female, weight, height, BMI, bra size or penile length, number of internal organs, skin color (as expressed in hexadecimal!), blood type, average blood pressure and blood volume, average length of hair strands as expressed in centimeters, lung capacity, focal distance of the eyes, the viscosity of their bile and mucus, average amount of daily intakes of essential vitamins and nutrients, current levels of vitamins and nutrients in their body, available gut flora, y'know, all those very important factors. These are all way more important to a romanto-social-sexual relationship than anything like favorite activities, career goals, or ideal lifestyle, all of that's just worthless fluff: we should live in ze pods and eat ze bugs!

I see where you're coming from where the subjective self-description of people doesn't matter whatsoever. There's no such thing as 'personality', 'self expression' or 'ideal self' that people want to express to the outside world, or 'social mask', or however you'd want to put it, especially for women. (lmao!) Just like men, women are reducible to checkmarks and vital statistics, like fucking cars or an electric toothbrush or whatever. After all, human beings are just lumps of chemicals operating on electrical currents, just like you! Everybody is just as empty of anything resembling individuality as you are! They're just lying about it because they aren't based and redpilled nihilists that admit life has no inherent meaning besides objective mathematical and scientific expressions of easily verifiable phenomena.

Well, I'll admit I don't know what to suggest, but maybe you should try enjoying the company of more objective lifeforms, like snakes, lions, sea urchins, and other lower species who are purely interested in matters of survival, and are just as objective as you are?

EDIT: typos

 

[Bean Sidhe]

It's one, or the other. Or neither.
But it can't be both.

That she dated that guy actually shocked me. She sincerely believes that anyone calling themself a woman is one. So apparently his physicality did not trouble her (??!!) I mean, I don't get how a lesbian (and she is a lesbian without doubt, all of her other relationships have been with actual women) could be down for cock.

Worry less about her feelings and her wrath, and make sure instead that you make decisions that you can live with.

Yeah, the problem to me is that I love this person dearly and do not want to hurt her feelings. But I also don't see why this is being dragged up right now, and she didn't elaborate and said that was why we were going to have the session.

Go visit the Rowling Derangement thread if you'd like to see what they say to and about a lady who politely pointed out where the gender cult makes no sense and is bad for women. It'll give you a heads up about what sort of nonsense you are likely to hear

Thank you for the pointer, and the general advice! I'll have to check that one out. I know generally what is going on with JK Rowling, but I dont really follow her. There are so many interesting threads on KF that it is hard to read all of them.

 

[Hubelublub]

the problem to me is that I love this person dearly and do not want to hurt her feelings.

Of course. But you must also love yourself dearly, and not want your own feelings hurt either.

Relationships are complicated interactions with a lot of give and take.
Just make sure you're not doing all the giving.

 

[fist_of_khonshu]

A guy I know bought me a 160 Dollar Perfume and is pressuring me to see him when I visit my sister this April. I'm debating blocking him, we've known eachother since High School and he's a good guy but he seems to just be all of a sudden predatory towards me ever since my boyfriend and I broke up in last month. I don't know if he genuinely wants to make me feel better or just wants to fuck me.

 

[Nameless One]

A guy I know bought me a 160 Dollar Perfume and is pressuring me to see him when I visit my sister this April. I'm debating blocking him, we've known eachother since High School and he's a good guy but he seems to just be all of a sudden predatory towards me ever since my boyfriend and I broke up in last month. I don't know if he genuinely wants to make me feel better or just wants to fuck me.

He probably wants to fuck you or take the table scraps. Go with your gut.

 

[Hustler v. Falwell]

A guy I know bought me a 160 Dollar Perfume and is pressuring me to see him when I visit my sister this April. I'm debating blocking him, we've known eachother since High School and he's a good guy but he seems to just be all of a sudden predatory towards me ever since my boyfriend and I broke up in last month. I don't know if he genuinely wants to make me feel better or just wants to fuck me.

Oh, my sweet summer child. I've never known a man to buy perfume for someone who is not either a relative or someone they want to sleep with. I'd suggest turning down future gifts and just being straight up with the guy. It's not fun, but the alternative is leading him on and turning him into an incel.

 

[fist_of_khonshu]

Oh, my sweet summer child. I've never known a man to buy perfume for someone who is not either a relative or someone they want to sleep with. I'd suggest turning down future gifts and just being straight up with the guy. It's not fun, but the alternative is leading him on and turning him into an incel.

I was straight up with him when he asked if he could buy me gifts. I've never been one who likes recieving gifts, especially expensive ones. He knows this as we've been close friends for almost 10 years. He sprung it on me after the fact so that I "couldnt say no". We had a long talk about how it wasn't okay but I don't think he understands how deeply unsettled it makes me even when I express it. I just told him next time he thinks about it, the answer will always be no.

We will likely have another talk and see where it goes from there.

 

[w.a.m.s.]

He knows this as we've been close friends for almost 10 years. He sprung it on me after the fact so that I "couldnt say no".

This is a deeply unsettling justification for doing something he already knows you do not like. I am skeptical that he is going to stop pursuing you just because you have a talk with him, or that he is a "good guy". It is trivially easy to not buy someone expensive gifts when the giftee has expressed not liking that. And there are a lot of ways to try and ~reconnect~ with you that don't involve doing this specific thing he knows you don't like.

I don't mean to over-explain it or patronize you, especially since all I know about this situation is your posts; I am really sorry if my words come off rudely. I just... can't overstate that the quote was an alarming set of sentences to read.

 

[Nameless One]

This guy sounds like a piece of shit who mistreats God knows how many women with the same tactics. I recommend cutting him off before he ends up hurting you. Buying expensive gifts that are hard to turn down even from people you know who hate being gifted stuff is a very massive red flag trait. Here's a moid's justification or thinking: he buys you expensive perfume thats hard to turn down, it'll be harder to turn him down when he asks you to dinner. Then he rapes you by making you agree to sex, that you "couldn't say no to". Don't ever play ball with these types. Take the gift, or reject it, and get the fuck away from him. It's bothering me the more I read it.

I've seen dudes ruin their friendships of 10+ years just to get their knobs polished when they feel their chips are down or it's the perfect opportunity. It's sad really. If I were you I'd just never talk to him again since he's already overstepped his boundaries.

 

[A Cat in a Minefield]

@fist_of_khonshu how were his other relationships with women? I assume you both talked about it, since you mentioned that you both have been close friends for a long time.

Definitely weird. Follow your gut. Especially if his behaviour seemed to have changes quickly towards you.