Like bitch i am NOT the one to hear your tiggering weird grief feelings
Its not my fault your cis ass thinks you have to grieve someone just because you were too dumb to corellate this "little girl" with what i really was while in the closet; a suicidal, almost recluse, anxiety and tic ridden child-teen.
Even if your trans child never was significally unhappy when closeted,
that still doesnt justify exposing your grief when you clearly see that it embarrasses or angers your child.
The signs were always there for me.
Me pretending i was sick to avoid doing sports in school and in HS. Not have to change in front of others, not having my body seen.
Me hating my breasts. Me speaking of dreaming i cut them off. I started having those dreams in hs, as a minor. Im 23, yet my mother still have not made that connection.
Me never relating to girls.
But just because all they saw is the very normative "girl appearence", they feel like it gives them something to grieve.
Just because i dyed my hair in HS and didnt wear fully boy clothes (i did wear "boy clothes" a lot still).
I have breasts made to feed starving european kids in a cold era. I never couldve hidden them. So i just didnt even try. Still dont. So yeah i cant stick to the stereotype of the nb/transmasc/trans man that could bind and have a physique that helped them seem "not like a girl"
What
They only saw a girl?
That girlness is a person?
Speaking of grief while the person is in front of you is illogical. Im not dead.
I still like the same shit as before.
I still have the same mind. Its crazy cause ive consciously accepted i was trans years before i came out to them. So all that time where they thought i was a girl-woman... i was not. Its just their binary assumption and dellusion.
I just got tired of the closet and finally found my community in early adult life. The only reason i was closeted before was due to bullying and n9t having any representation. You cant properly articulate why you feel a certain way if you have no example, you just live life feeling disconnected from your body and others, never relating to "who youre supposed to relate with".
My mother never said i was not trans
. She tries to be supportive. She still speaks in ways that are bad or truggering... which is confusing. Like girl if you wanna be progressive why cant you listen to me instead of relying on your maigre progressive commrehension.
When i try to correct words and thoughts she has, that she always speaks about that grief and shit, instead of listening and bettering the ways she speaks about me;
Example, i hate that when she speaks of me pre official coming out, she genders me as a she and as a girl. KNOWING at the time that alreafy made me feel suicidal and ruined my confidence. I spoke to her many times about the fact that way befofe i came out to them, the transness was already there.
Cant she just shut up, listen, not make a fuss and change that?
Yet she doesnt change that.
Ive been out to my mother for more than 2 years. That feels like WAY MORE than enough time to adapt.
In any case speaking of that weird, misplaxed, cisfuxkedy grief TO the trans person feels deeply disrespectful and tone deaf.
If she made the mistake like once of twice in the early coming out, i wouldve brushed it off
But 2 years in and she still uses these shitty terms.
Also, parents that were emotionally volatile/unavailable/distant/negligent have even LESS legitimacy to speak of grief when they dont have much complicity with the "girl/boy they knew". Like no fuck off. Dont act like we were close like that anyway.
Why dont they whine about their grief between each other?
Like wtf do you want ME to say? Coddle you in your cisfuckery? Just cause you associate relationships with gendered places in society? Am i not just an individual?
Cis people always make transness more complicated than it is and i hate it.
