some people are insaneTransphobia (
self.FTMventing)
submitted 2 hours ago by
kirachang to
r/FTMventing
tw transphobia, antisemitism, mentions of abuse, sa
hi, i am a young college student and
intersex/trans ftm (some details changed for anonymity but what matters is the same) i dont know if this post belongs here but... as title says. i am 'pre-t' but my natural t levels are high enough that i have a noticeable adams apple, and i pass about 50% of the time ? maybe ? and
i have long hair down to my hips that i love and refuse to cut, and i know thats why some people misgender me but theyre always extremely apologetic when i correct them.
when people misgender me and i point to my neck and packer bulge and flat chest and, usually, they apologize and correct themself like they misgendered a totally cis man, so i know i do pass somewhat reliably. i have also been 'apologized to' by people who refuse to see me as a man, so i know the difference. its stark. its also fucking soul crushing.
my parents are abusive bigots. never 'officially' came out to them.
once tried to come out as non-binary to my mom and then got told that i would never be anything but a girl and that my pronouns will always be she her. shit like that that sent me right back into the closet. i was kind of forced into femininity and 'being a girl' as a kid and then tried to 'be a girl' to make my mom like me in my teens since she seemed so intent on me being a girl as a kid (to no avail. she just dont like me much). i was a very 'masculine' kid, had the usual experiences growing up of being told i was a girl and not actually being a girl. the doctors missed that i am intersex at birth so i got the f slapped on the certificate and that was the start of everything, and when my puberty was weird nobody fucking noticed or cared bc i was homeschooled and neglected.
then we get to my cis girlfriend's mom.
gf has always been into me as a man and all that shit, my gf is the best. but her mom.... wow. she started out fine and then slowly started misgendering me more and more over time until she just wouldnt correct herself and now calls me a w-----n and makes weird sexual comments about me and my body all the time. it feels so degrading. she knows i am trans and intersex and knows i have trauma due to those things.
i moved last year in with my gf and her mom to get away from my abusive parents, so, she would have figured it out anyways - i have a medium size chest and i hate bras and only bind when i go out to protect my ribs.
now for the fun stuff. as previously stated, gfs mom knows about my abuse and that i am cisnt. she recently told me that she only allows me in the house because i am a female and that all females are automatically safe and cant be dangerous to her and that she sees me and her daughter in a lesbian relationship and that if i was a man i wouldnt be allowed in the house or with her daughter. shes very misogynistic and misandrist, and shes constantly also making jokes like all men will take advantage of her and all women are shallow bitches who she is better than. its all so many levels of fucked up. and that whole rant confirming my suspicions that she doesnt actually respect me was right after she made an extremely triggering and antisemitic 'joke' about me being 'desired' for all the wrong reasons by nazi men because i am part jewish after accidentally saying hi to a man who i was told about his neonazism after the fact cuz id never seen him before and thought i was being polite. THIS WOMAN KNOWS I WAS SEXUALLY ASSAULTED BY FAMILY AS A CHILD. I HAVE LASTING PTSD FROM IT. AND I AM OPEN ABOUT IT SO PEOPLE CAN IDK, HAVE SOME HUMAN DECENCY REGARDING FUCKING SENSITIVE TOPICS OR 'JOKES.' which is probably my mistake... and frankly i think this is all my fault, as its also now a running 'joke' that i am a delusional girl and that i will get fixed and become a girl if i go get my nails done or be girly or shit like that and i play along as i feel so degraded just existing that the degrading jokes just feel deserved. its also part of the 'joke' that i need to 'be normal' and go to conversion therapy and stare at the buff surfing people so i get 'turned straight' and become a dicklover. my gfs mom is self admittedly judgy and she told me once that she is deliberately mean to me so her daughter doesnt get jealous of a sibling in the house and to tell her if it gets too much - i asked her a month later to please be kinder. she changed absolutely nothing. nevermind the weirdness about the insistence that my gf and i are like siblings when my gfs mom KNOWS we are sexually active and that im her boyfriend and all that shit... just layers and layers of weirdness. i also feel like every time i follow my gf around holding her purse as she shops makes her mom think im a girl, every time i help her fix her clothes, every time she oohs over a clothing item and i tell her shed look wonderful in it, every time i happily wander alongside my gf enjoying the time together as she looks at cute things when getting groceries. and gfs mom acts like everything is gendered, but when i tell her to please respect my identity shes like 'well youre not 100% biologically male so in my eyes you are a female and you do female things and if you want me to see you as a man you might as well say good bye to your home.' and on top of all this she herself is kind of non binary, she claims she doesnt even see the point of gender and that it doesnt matter and that she can call me what she wants because it doesnt matter (a
nd that she can call me what she wants bc she saw my drivers license, bc she knows im intersex, bc idk i wore a fucking traditional kilt once)
its gotten to the point that i have grey rocked and am avoiding her as much as possible. i should move out but i cannot financially right now and i also work for her, and the job is wonderfully stable even though it pays shit so i dont want to leave in the sense that it would leave me jobless as well as homeless. i cannot fucking handle this shit anymore. my gfs and my therapist (we go in together as we feel more comfortable talking with the supportive presence of eachother) also just... refuses to see me as anything but a misguided sweet girl. its so weird. the whole girl good man bad mindset is very prevalent and its also funny as my gfs mom has told her about how men like certain things and to never change herself for a man when she said she shaves for sex reasons.
(i manscape for her too lol but we both do it bc we want to.) but then i am just in the car with her doing a chore that she needs help with and she blatantly misgenders me without a second thought and treats me like a helpless fucking girl. and its sickening. i have explained to her over and over that i am biologically in between and for fucks sake to please just treat me normally. please no more rape jokes at my expense. please no more trying to girl talk to me. please no more 'i think you need a pedicure and a dress!!!' i am not a girl. living with them and roommate (20f) has been like living in a different world.
you may convince yourself that i am a girl but i am fundamentally not one, not only a man when it suits your narrative of me or when youre upset at me.
this is breaking me inside.
im just trying to be a good man and a good boyfriend and i know there is more i could and should do better with but...... damn
