Culture My secret to dating in San Francisco is a spreadsheet - Woman takes full advantage of SF's lopsided gender ratio

SFGATE contributor Chin Lu shares how she used data to find her partner​

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Andy Andersen/Special to SFGATE

Chin Lu
Sep. 20, 2022

On Feb. 4, 2017, I went out on a first date to Cat Town, the rescue cafe in Oakland. Johnny* was actually as cute in person as he was in his OkCupid profile photos, something I could not say for many other online matches. Most of the feline residents were sound asleep, but instead of admiring their napping forms, this man reached out and startled a pile of kittens nestled together. “You’re not supposed to disturb them,” I said in a stage whisper. Johnny shrugged.

On the way home on BART, I took out my phone and opened up my Google Sheet. Even though I already decided there would not be a second date, I gave Johnny a seven under the “physical attraction” column, and a five for both “intellectual attraction” and “personality/lifestyle.” In the last section, I typed out “boring and tried to wake up sleeping cats.”

*All names have been changed for privacy reasons

Dating in San Francisco is a numbers game​

If I ever made a resume for dating, the mission statement at the top would read: seasoned veteran with over 13 years of experience in the San Francisco Bay Area and track record of going out with 80 people over a decadelong career. Looking to make better romantic decisions.

Eventually I got sick of asking everyone around me why I keep dating the wrong guys. When a friend attending business school showed me a decision-making spreadsheet model, I was reminded of the first internet-famous “dating spreadsheet.” In 2012, the year Tinder launched, a male New York investment banker emailed the Excel file he used to log all his Match.com dates to one of his dates. The woman shared it far and wide, and the screencaps were published by many major outlets. Even though the man said it was “an honest attempt to stay organized,” his document overwhelmingly focused on his dates’ physical appearances — headshots were included, along with scores and “assessment” commentary on these women’s online profiles’ pictures versus what they looked like in person.

In the years that followed, many others have publicly shared that they used similar spreadsheets for various purposes: to feel a “sense of accomplishment ... even if a date is bad,” to start anew in finding love in one’s 40s, or to figure out why none of the dates were working out.

I knew what I was looking for: a partner with long-term compatibility. And I also knew my less-than-ideal tendency of ignoring red flags if I was attracted to someone. There was Miguel. He had wavy dark hair, black hipster glasses and a conversational fluency in feminism. After we had a few drinks at Dobbs Bar in Hayes Valley (RIP), he walked me home and we made out. His concluding remark was an inexplicable compliment about my appearance, to which I felt like I had no choice but to respond with, “Oh. Thanks, I guess.”

I decided to devise a dating spreadsheet of my own with two primary purposes. First, to hopefully better gauge if someone would be a suitable partner for me, and second, to guard against my own tendency of making bad romantic decisions. My plan was to figure out which criteria matter to me the most, score each first date afterwards accordingly, and note any potential red flags that I would ask about if I go out with them again.

Here’s a curated screencap of my most noteworthy entries:

An example of a dating spreadsheet created by Chin Lu.
Chin Lu

From fall of 2016 to summer of 2017, I went on 21 first dates and recorded each one. I have since made a blank template version and shared with many of my fellow Type A female friends. (Note: My circle of friends happens to have way more single women than men. When I asked David*, a straight man, about the concept of dating spreadsheets, he said he has heard of it “in the context of women keeping track of attributes for dating, and for men keeping track of people they’ve slept with.”)

Not saying this tool guarantees a fast track to a romantic partner, but my current partner is actually one of the last few records on the sheet, and we’re still happily together to this day. More on that later. If you’re interested in reverse-engineering or optimizing your own romantic journeys, here are some tips in retrospect.

Accept what is out of your control​

There is no magic formula in dating. A recent study of romantic relationship patterns with the largest data set ever of its kind — using statistics from 11,000 heterosexual couples on demographics, physical appearances, interests and hobbies, health, etc. — still cannot accurately predict how happy someone’s relationship will be.

You do not get to dictate exactly who you meet or when, either. Chemistry can’t be forced — you might not feel any sparks with someone good on paper. And if you’re like me — someone who falls fast and hard — remember we cannot help who we’re attracted to, but we can choose whom we spend more time with.

What we are able to do is strive to be scientists of our own dating lives: experiment against hypotheses and aim to make well-informed decisions.

One size does not fit all​

In order for the Google Sheet to be effective, it needs to be tailored specifically for you. The criteria listed are generic on purpose — it’s up to you to decide what you want to look for in a mate.

Although it may seem cheeky now, when I initially created my spreadsheet and listed “wokeness” and “cultural awareness” as my criteria, it was right before the 2016 presidential election. During that period, I became the most politically involved I had ever been before and I realized I only want to date people who are excited to learn about other cultures.


A couple enjoying the view of Golden Gate Bridge.
Bryan Leung/Getty Images

Nothing is set in stone​

Out of everyone I know, Jackie* has used my dating spreadsheet the longest at three years and ongoing. As she meets more people and gains more experience, she actually has changed her original categories and added a few additional tabs. For example, she realized that physical attraction is not a top priority for her anymore, and that being allergic to her cat could be a deal-breaker.

Exceptions can also happen! Say you set a rule for yourself to not go on a third date with someone scoring lower than a 7 overall, but you meet someone who you simply want to see again. There’s nothing wrong with taking a chance. Or alternatively, if the long-term potential seems low, “go in knowing that this most likely will just be a hookup,” Jackie suggests.

Data for purely data’s sake is not always helpful​

It is possible to go overboard with gathering data. For example, in this viral TikTok by Jenny, a product designer in SF, she shows her spreadsheet comparing results from varying dating apps. In a more recent post, Jenny shares a chart made from tracking which day of the week each first date was, and immediately admits that this is a “useless chart” and “none of this means anything.”

What about the decades of data online dating sites and mobile apps have collected from their users, and the resulting powerful algorithms? Unfortunately, they’re only accurate in predicting whether someone will swipe right out of desirability, but it is “surprisingly difficult to detect the qualities in romantic partners that lead to happiness.” In other words, these platforms know who you want to match with, but they have no idea whether or not these matches will actually be compatible with you.


A couple enjoying a drive in San Francisco.
Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images

Get honest with yourself​

Sandy* has been dating in the Bay Area for 17 years now, and she says she loves the idea of the dating spreadsheet and admires anyone who has the discipline to use it, because “it can be scary to look inward.” If you tell yourself that you prioritize certain values, but you consistently go out with people who do not share the same values, seeing the low numbers recorded is incredibly clarifying. For example, I dated many people who turned out to be recreational drug users, and even though I did not want to participate, I naively thought a good long-term relationship could still be possible. The “personality/lifestyle” criteria on the spreadsheet forced me to examine how someone’s ways of life would actually fit in with mine.

On the other hand, if you feel pressured or obligated to like someone for whatever reason, “seeing all this data can reaffirm a level of self-trust,” Jackie says. “Like, it's not me being ‘crazy.’ This person has not met a standard for me, and I can move on.”

Use the tool that best suits you​

Sandy works at a tech startup, and at her job she’s “looking at spreadsheets all damn day” already, so she’d rather not in her free time. Instead, she’s a fan of journaling her self-reflections after dates in a “long-form qualitative way,” and writing down her own set of dating rules there.

If you’d prefer to be pursued, a new trend is to create in-depth “Date Me” Google Docs introducing yourself and explaining what kind of person you’re looking for. You could even create a Google Form or Typeform survey as an intake method.

It’s a mindset framework​

Fully knowing that this spreadsheet is very rudimentary, I reached out to Dylan*, a gay man working at a data science company, to see what he thinks. While he agrees that romantic relationships are too complex for data to predict their success, he reminded me that emotions are also a form of data. Every human decision is based on data already, “it’s just whether it’s explicitly tabulated into a spreadsheet, or lives moreso in your head … and then there’s a bunch of other stuff that we aren't even fully conscious of, like how the other person smells to you.”

Dylan says that he has seen some friends — all Type A folks — use similar systems for dating. When asked about how he would evaluate the potential effectiveness with his professional hat on, his answers were perfectly nuanced. “It’s an interesting tool for being intentional with your decisions. … Any tool can be used for good or bad. I think the most important part of all of this is knowing yourself, what you value, and what you’re trying to do with it.”

A couple on a street car in San Francisco.
Andrew Lipovsky/Getty Images/Cavan Images RF

Archiving the spreadsheet​

This week marks five years since I last used my dating spreadsheet (and not coincidentally, the fifth anniversary with my partner). I never felt the need to bring up how I scored my first impression of him along with other previous dates, because I was focused on the present moments of our relationship together. That is until recently, when I decided to write about my experience.

I have to admit that I was a little bit nervous about telling him, but the conversation turned out short and easy. He asked for his average score and was ecstatically surprised by it. “That’s really high,” he said. “An A minus, ha!”

Grading my partner against a rubric at the beginning of our relationship never subtracted from the consequent developments. Those rows of logged data may seem silly now, but looking back at the first impression numbers, I can safely say that my initial judgment ended up being pretty accurate for the long haul. In terms of this numbers game, I guess I just got lucky.

Chin Lu is a social media strategist turned writer, a 1.5th generation Taiwanese American and a pop culture junkie with a media studies degree from UC Berkeley. Follow her on Twitter for more writing.

Source (Archive)

 

[LaxerBRO]

Wait a moment, I thought ranking people based on attractiveness and other factors was verboten?

Yes, here we go:

Harvard men's soccer team kicked to curb after sex ranking scandal

https://mashable.com/article/harvard-soccer-team-suspended

 

[Bussy Catalog]

I can sort of sympathize with the writer, dating in SF must be an absolute nightmare. Even once you eliminate all the obviously crazy people from your dating pool, then you need to suss out the genuine salt-of-the-earth people from the sociopaths who are just good enough at faking empathetic human behavior to avoid notice as long as you don't look too closely (aka urban bugmen). Although you don't need a spreadsheet for that, you just need to not be neurotic and socially retarded.

 

[The Taco Santo!]

Gook bugperson in urban hive uses autistic spreadsheets to keep track of the potential victims of her uncanny attempts to simulate human behaviors like dating.

On the bright side, it's San Francisco so she's got a pretty good chance of catching AIDS/Monkeypox from some guy who's off having sex with other men/shooting up while she's busy collating her spreadsheets.

 

[Pampered Degenerate]

Apropos of nothing, what's the chinky equivalent of a roast beef sandwich? Peking duck pancake?

 

[DamnWolves!]

His concluding remark was an inexplicable compliment about my appearance, to which I felt like I had no choice but to respond with, “Oh. Thanks, I guess.”

Men usually figure out that women don't care about the same attributes in a mate they do sometime in their early 20s, but from everything I've read online, women never figure this out. They think their doctorate in gender psychology is more attractive than the fact that they have clear skin and perky tits, and are puzzled that you don't think so too.

If we didn't need them, we would never bother. I notice she says "partner" and not "husband", so it sounds like he isn't bothering either.

Women truly are the niggers of gender.

Truly a specimen of feminine beauty.

That's her on her best day. Here's what you'll actually get to wake up to:

 

[LateNightMuffin]

She unironically rates "wokeness" as a positive characteristic? I thought by now anyone who said "woke" meant it pejoratively.

 

[Zero Day Defense]

Men usually figure out that women don't care about the same attributes in a mate they do sometime in their early 20s, but from everything I've read online, women never figure this out.

It probably comes down to how men are typically the ones doing the seeking and persuading of women for a relationship.

Has it always been the case that men would be largely unaware of what women seek in a man and how it's categorically different than what they seek in women, though? I've always asserted that, until relatively recently, growing men and women were more aware of what they wanted in a spouse and what a potential spouse would generally want from them, but was learning that a matter of becoming old enough to notice it or a matter of common sense?

Additionally: I'm confident that women in particular don't readily recognize what they instinctively seek in men because-- putting aside other products of the sexual revolution-- feminist propaganda teaches them to despise their femininity as "base", "evil", and "imposed by the Patriarchy and not inherent". That said, is it also the case that we've decisively conquered much of the threats that our instincts find solutions for in the opposite sex, and so women at large have lost touch with what they actually desire from men?

 

[Matt Damon]

Additionally: I'm confident that women in particular don't readily recognize what they instinctively seek in men because-- putting aside other products of the sexual revolution-- feminist propaganda teaches them to despise their femininity as "base", "evil", and "imposed by the Patriarchy and not inherent". That said, is it also the case that we've decisively conquered much of the threats that our instincts find solutions for in the opposite sex, and so women at large have lost touch with what they actually desire from men?

I think what women desire in men is much more contextual/socially informed or however you want to describe it.

Women want high-status, socially-successful men, but the specifics of what that means can vary quite a bit depending on what culture they're born into. That makes them much more susceptible to propaganda telling them "you don't want a chud manly man, you really want a sensitive effeminate soyboy" - they're indoctrinated from childhood that those are the traits that society and especially other women value in men, even though it's not really true.

Propaganda doesn't work nearly as well with men because bust-hip-waist ratio and facial proportions are objective, measurable quantities and not dependent on a consensus of other men's approval. If I see a hot chick and all my bros say she's ugly, that just means more pussy for me.

 

[Zero Day Defense]

Women want high-status, socially-successful men, but the specifics of what that means can vary quite a bit depending on what culture they're born into. That makes them much more susceptible to propaganda telling them "you don't want a chud manly man, you really want a sensitive effeminate soyboy" - they're indoctrinated from childhood that those are the traits that society and especially other women value in men, even though it's not really true.

I've been thinking about this, and I'm considering whether part of it is a conflict of interest within women.

One of the things that women at large want in men is the capcaity to protect them, but in order to be capable of protecting them, they need to be capable of inflicting sufficient harm to the "other" that threatens her. That is, such a man has to be "dangerous"-- and that "danger" can be expressed in a variety of ways. For later reference, I'll call this "Type 1".

They also tend to be risk averse because of their greater vulnerability, particularly when it comes to approaching and becoming intimate with men. Men who approach them with vulnerability-- which manifests in a variety of ways often contradictory to the markers of being "dangerous"-- are also broadcasting that they aren't a danger to them. That's also something they want. For later reference, I'll call this "Type 2".

Despite that, they clearly don't want vulnerable men-- they want men that they can confirm won't endanger them while also being able to endanger others for them. But the principal way they get that confirmation expediently (i.e. they're certain and don't have to say it's a good chance they won't endanger her) is if the man is generally harmless (and therefore not incapable of inflicting sufficient harm onto others for them).

Now that I'm typing this, I believe it's been said that a woman's tastes in men change according to their menstrual cycle-- something like, they'll want Type 1 as they seek impregnation but Type 2 while they're pregnant. But that swing in desires might just put them in a quandary: it's often not the case that they can have both. A compromise of some sort has to be made: either they learn to trust the idea that the dangerous man won't hurt him (so, practically, they're gambling), or they "make do" with the harmless man.

If I'm at least largely right, that's quite the onus. On the other hand, it would still be beneficial for more of them to be honest and realistic about the scope of what they want, because I've long said that women at large can't sympathize with the making of any kind of man-- dangerous or harmless.

Propaganda doesn't work nearly as well with men because bust-hip-waist ratio and facial proportions are objective, measurable quantities and not dependent on a consensus of other men's approval.

I don't think it's that, since beauty standards somewhat differ between cultures. Mainly, I figure men are more resilient against social rejection versus women (maybe because they're generally more resilient than women against danger, and particularly the danger of losing the resources of a group when you're exiled from it because you don't fit in). That, and most men aren't at "liberty" to choose like women can.

But, assuming that I'm at least largely right about what I was talking about regarding women, men's needs for a woman are more straightforward and generally not opposed to each other-- indirectly or otherwise.