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Honestly, I thought the nails resembled the time I was drunk in Chicago on St Paddy's Day, wandered into a Walgreens, and thought it would be a...

Whoever did them must have eyes as wonky as his, the RH one looks off-kilter. Plus I've never seen falsies so ill-fitting, so perhaps the salon...

Fingers fatter than a breakfast sausage they actually kind of look like chicken feet, with their talons

Oh I'm sure that's salon work. They just (deliberately) did the shittiest job they could manage -- while smiling and assuring him he was a very...