Amberlynn picks out for companions people she thinks are simple because they are easier to manipulate, but she's not very good at it. She is definitely not an apex predator. She never really found the perfect caretaker until she got with Becky. Casey's mom was not down with her shit, nor were Krystle's parents. Destiny's family despised her but Amber mistook Destiny's simple exterior as malleability. But Becky has been the perfect caretaker for a woman who wants to eat herself to death and we've seen it play out because with Becky she's been gaining at a rapid clip.
But while Amber is not a top notch predator, she is brilliant at being a parasitical addict. Tapeworms marvel at her skills once she has embedded herself into a plentiful intestine. She has made sure her host feels absolutely responsible for her. She has no identification so Becky knows Amber will have tons of trouble traveling alone - from buying bus and airline tickets to getting a hotel, you need valid ID. She can't sign a lease, cannot book a long-term residential room at the worst roach motel with weekly rates. Amber cannot drive yet owns the car Becky uses. Amber had mobility when she moved in with Becky but she gained weight so quickly that she's now virtually disabled and relies on Becky to do everything, probably up to and including cleaning her body and wiping her ass. To further enmesh herself with Becky, she encouraged Becky to quit her job and become financially dependent. The only kink in her chain is that Becky has friends who live with her so she has not been able to completely isolated but she still feels responsible for Amber's every bodily function while feeling economically dependent on her.
Becky's biggest problem is that most caretakers are not reliant on their addict for money. It's generally the other way around and threatening to withdraw financial support has power. Becky does not have that bargaining chip and I guarantee you that her financial dependency is held over her head every time she attempts to set limits and stop enabling. So how can Becky enforce accountability with a person who controls her finances, when she does not earn her own money, when the cash cow is a manipulative, 600-pound monster?
She needs to get a job asap, but until then she needs to use the only thing the Amber cannot control. Amber is dependent upon Becky for everything that she needs ID and mobility for. So Becky needs to set those limits: Amber eats reasonably or obtains her own food, and if she causes a commotion she finds another place to live.
The best way to stop Amber's accusations of no one caring about what happens to her is to show caring by stopping the enabling right now and enforcing limits. Call her bluff. Show her they care. Refuse to fetch her food, do not give into her anymore. If she throws a tantrum, call the police and have her removed from the house if it is possible legally, especially if she makes physical threats.
Easier said than done. This is so hard to do. So hard. We mock Becky because she is not particularly attractive, is sort of boring, and seems slow. But the fact is that many gorgeous, dynamic, attractive people end up as enablers and caretakers. I've been in Becky's shoes. This dynamic is common. This dynamic is why we have Al-Anon. This dynamic is why we have Jeff VanVonderan and his delightful intervention phrases. This dynamic is why there are so many fucking enabler self-help recovery books at every book store chain.
Amber never anticipated how terrible it would be for her once she found the perfect caretaker so she's lashing out because surely the state she is in has to be Becky's fault. But the bottom line is this: Becky could order the left side of the menu at Taco Bell, make a pit stop at Subway, and clear out all the Ben and Jerry's at Walmart and present to Amber with a curtsy, and Amber could make the decision not to eat all that food. The blame for Amber's size is Amber's. And hopefully Becky soon realizes how much power she wields and how much happier she will be when Amber moves on to her next host. Becky also needs to understand that Amber is doomed.
She really is. She will not turn this around. Even with massive weight loss Amber will never lead a normal life. And she won't be losing weight in time to save her life. She will be dead before she makes it out of her twenties. She won't even admit she has diabetes. She blames everyone around her - Chance Carmichael, an human exercise in denial, had more self-awareness and took more responsibility for his condition than Amber. Becky needs to decide now how she wants Amber to leave the house - in a U-Haul driven by her next host once Becky lays down the law or in a supersized coffin.
And I hope Becky understands that her replacement will be a huge step down in terms of stability and social status. Amber may well try to convince Becky she is trading up but anyone willing to take on a woman of Amber's size, health, open instability, mobility level and with Amber's internet footprint will bring a new definition to the notion of a bottom feeder. And this thing is, Amber knows this, too. But she's poisoned this nest enough that she knows she will need to switch hosts soon. Let her move on, Becky. Help her out the door.
