Philosophy and politics and other bullshit doesn't have anything to do with it.
You're justifying your entire identity with philosophy, politics, and other bullshit,
exclusively.
You're very, very clearly a woman with EPE (early porn exposure) trauma who also had a run in with Marxist (yes, marxist) but more specifically since most people use "marxist" as a retarded buzzword these days,
materialist ideology that through convoluted reasons I'm not deigning to explain here as they're not entirely germane, produces currently-reified-by-the-establishment unreal assumptions concerning the 'stickyness' of things such as identity, where nomenclature comes from and to what extent it has definitive power, and most directly relevant here, how much is of the mind and how much is of a person's actual physical makeup.
It cannot be overstated that the entire 'trans' and the entire 'gay' phenomenon
in modernity were built on axioms that all fall apart under the reassertion of reality. You are a victim of a vicious ontology that convinces persons that their opinions, and their feelings, have significantly more effect on the nature of reality than they ever could. Now, if you'll do me a favor, re-read the last sentence understanding that this isn't about 'tranny shit' for me, as what I am saying applies to all materialist positions that have eroded our civilization and done immeasurable harm to society in fields from economics to formal logic.
What you have been convinced of is that your identity is somehow separate from your body and that you as a human should identify with what amounts to intrusive thoughts/obsessions and their product. That has happened to more people than you, and is why I said what I said. If you really want advice, you can either listen to what I've said here and go find a therapist who can help you with your trauma and your damage to hopefully somehow live a normal and fulfilled life (hopefully you haven't done anything permanent like cut your tits off yet) as again a neurodivergent woman who had experienced the horrors of EPE and what it can do to the youth of our civilization.
Or;
You can end up doing the same thing ten years later when you finally realize you were sold a vicious life-eating fairytale by insane adherents to an illogical, malformed philosophy that leads humans to treat their bodies and their very identities as if though they have no mooring in reality. Then ultimately attempt to put things back together, far later than it had to happen.
If there is one thing you take from anything I've said in this thread, and I pray you do, it's that you are a creature no different in makeup than a chimp, a fish, a beetle, or a bird, in that you are the entirety of what you are. The reason you are living a tortured, hellish existence is because
you are trying to fight reality, and you will lose. Please, for your sake, don't wait until you lose. Forfeit the contest, and try to find out how to repair your life.