- Dołączono
- 21 Wrz 2024
Impressive, very nice.
Let's see the mother.
📚 Megathread Tranny Sideshows on Social Media - Any small-time spectacle on Reddit, Tumblr, Twitter, Dating Sites, and other social media.
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Let's see the mother.
DreinMeinVein
kiwifarms.net
- Dołączono
- 17 Gru 2024
In the first minute of the video he says that whenever he researches anything, it always comes back to Nazis. He jokes that they should do a podcast episode on the few things that don't have their roots in Nazi Germany.
This makes Nazi Germany sound like an innovation powerhouse.
Personally, I'm not a Nazi. But if Nazis do get into power, exterminate troons and invent flying cars with built-in nucular reactors... then YEAH! Get me a Hugo Boss uniform now!
- Dołączono
- 29 Gru 2025
The problem here is not the kid in a dress. It's the parent's choosing to use that photo for his memorial.i was on facebook and i saw this
Are you sure about that? There's a lot of nazis around these days.
- Dołączono
- 15 Maj 2025
The two podcasters look white to me. I‘m assuming it’s fetish talk and they’re obsessed with being bred by superior BBC generation.
- Dołączono
- 27 Lip 2020
They are, but sometimes it's hard to blame them. For fucks sake, look at literally any thunderdome thread that so much as mentions a woman—a lot of people truly just aren't built to handle that constantly for the sake of societal betterment. Not everyone is made for being an activist.
Personally I think it's much funnier to blast them for being pathetic yaoi-brained gooners who treat their fake dicks like Real Alive dolls anyways. That shits hilarious, lmao.
The Great Ducktator
kiwifarms.net
- Dołączono
- 16 Gru 2025
It is man-made horrors time. Those of you who follow the pooner thread might remember BiteSizeLoverBoy, who I have made a post about in the past.
This pooner is partner and lover of Pandrogyny, who is 44 years old and a self-described female and trans woman. Pandrogyny is part of the ugly, hairy and no doubt smelly gordian relationship that BiteSizeLoverBoy is also a part of.
Pandrogynys current relationships are as follows.
"Partner of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Lover of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Polyamorous with NoelleCharm
Lover of NoelleCharm
Partner of NoelleCharm
Lover of Miseria
Partner of Miseria
Girlfriend of RedHeadRopeGirl
Play Partner of RedHeadRopeGirl
Dating FoxyDyani
D/s relationships
under protection of BiteSizeLoverBoy
owned and collared by BiteSizeLoverBoy
Princess of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Temptress of RedHeadRopeGirl
Femme Fatale of Miseria
Protecting NoelleCharm
Vampiress of NoelleCharm"
Pandrogyny has kept posting pictures during his journey from normal dude to troon axe murderer. Since shared suffering is halfed suffering, you get to see them too.
I cut out the comments of his fellow polycule troons who keep assuring him that he is totally feminine but left his own descriptions. They are filed with the standard tranny talking points of egg-cracking, fetishism and delusions.
What is he getting up to with his partners?
From what I gather, this dude and his friends are regularly going to sex parties where all kinds of gender specialists attend.
So far the only thing noteworthy about this troon seems to be that he has a social life and is not terminally online. How then did he get his egg cracked? Well, he was born with only one testicle and has had low testosterone levels all his life, discovered only in adulthood. He has been battling low energy, depression and feelings of inadequacy over his small penis for much of his life. Once he started getting t-shots for his low t-levels, his bi-weekly shots caused him to experience mood swings when he came down from normal t levels in the second week. That all played a part in this dude crossdressing and developing a female persona. When he was in a toxic relationship with a woman that cuckolded him nonconsensually his depression and crossdressing tendencies worsened. After that relationship he got into another relationship with a woman who cuckolded him consensually and forced him to take weekly t-shots at half dose instead of the bi-weekly ones. That apparently worked to put his gender delusions into remission. Until during the social isolation of Covid he experienced depression again. Then he met people at a sex party that encouraged him to spin his skirt. Later he started troon-juicing and fell in with the crowd of gender ghouls above.
Identity to me is a strange concept. I'm a (soon to be) 41 year old man. Never once thought as a kid I was a girl or trans. I still don't believe I'm trans, but I constantly find myself asking, "Am I? Why would I even be asking myself that (COUNTLESS TIMES) if maybe there wasn't a little bit of truth to it?" Then I think to my physical body and physical condition as a means to rationalize and logic it away.
I was born with one testicle. The second never descended and never developed at all. I was told it was an inguinal testicle, and it was removed to prevent any cancer risks or health complications. My logical mind says this is the reason I feel a sense of dysphoria. I have low testosterone and always have. In fact, during puberty, I never had the right amount to begin with. That didn't stop my body from developing fully male, albeit less gifted than most in certain areas. I remember in my very early 20s that my partner at the time was jealous of my figure. She said I had a better hour glass shape than she did. Well, that was nearly 80 pounds ago. Any shape I have now needs to be reconstructed.
But it was during those early 20s when things seem to just accelerate for my dysphoria. I don't recall exactly when I started to feel feminine, but it was during that time. I discussed this with my partner, and she was extremely supportive. I began wearing some of her clothes at home, and it just felt right. It felt like that was my second skin. I made love to her dressed in something of hers, and it never once felt unnatural. She wasn't super turned on or excited by it, but she also didn't shun and judge harshly.
Cut to a few years later. I'm with a new partner. It had been a few years since I did any dressing up from before, and it was like an urge was seeping back. Just this drive to dress and express my feminine side. At that time I had a very close friend in high school begin their transition phase. I had a lengthy discussion with them how she felt trans was right. How did she know she was a she? She said she felt that way since childhood. As a child, when still presenting male, she was able to excel at baseball and could have had a legit chance of being recruited by colleges. Even now I think she'll say she could still hit the ball 300ft. Even during the times when she excelled at things typically male, she said she still felt like a girl. She works full time now as a college professor and is fully female in presenting. She posts on her social media all the time what she's wearing, and she genuinely seems happy with life and how it's treating her.
I find it awkward to refer to people pre-transition. We all have a past, and it is very much respected and understood, but I worry I'll offend someone if I say "he" in the past sense when internally they were always she. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences in referring to people's past lives in a respectful way, I would truly appreciate it. My whole intent it to express myself and my experience and connect people. Not create conflict, controversy, or anger out of ignorance. (Again, rambly. Apologies).
For me, listening to her, it didn't feel quite like me. I didn't feel like a girl. However, I still felt very feminine. At this time I did not know about my low testosterone. I would not get my first T test until I was 30. My levels at 30 were 257ng/dl. The normal range at that time was 350 on the low end and 1200 on the high end. I knew that once a man hits 30, they lose 1 percent testosterone each year. If I was already that low, how low would I be when I was 40? I began taking T shots that year because I had severe fatigue, and I didn't know why. I honestly feared driving sometimes because I would doze off at lights. I didn't feel safe. So my doctor and I decided to try T shots. I'll go into that roller coaster of mental states in a moment.
Back to the second partner. I shared with her (after being together a few years) my desire to crossdress and wear women's clothes. She did not respond positively. She was very judgemental. Wanted to break up with me actually. But we were in a terribly unhealthy, co-dependent relationship so we stayed together. She's also the one who cucked me the first time. I have a massive (basically obsessive) compulsion with cuckolding and small penis humiliation because of my own mental distress and body insecurity. I know this. I fetishized the pain into pleasure. It was a coping mechanism, but I do find it genuinely arousing and is a major kink.
As we stayed together, I began to buy some women's clothes. Nothing fancy. No corsets or anything. Simple shirts and a few dresses. Basic flats for shoes. Nothing that would really be impressive to anyone, but to me, it meant that I had this part of me. I felt like I had this girl in me that wanted needed to come out. She was fighting me regardless if I wanted it or not.
This ties in with the testosterone roller coaster at the time. My body never made enough, so I guess I never really understood what it felt like to have "normal" testosterone. My shots were every two weeks. So week 1 of this shot I get this massive boost, but during week 2, there was an extremely depressive drop. I felt like there was a wall I just couldn't get past to feel. Anything. I would become so depressed nothing was of interest. I was feeling so lost and torn about who I was. Testosterone made me feel more "me", but then I suddenly felt "her" even more forceful. I was in pain and didn't know who to talk to or who to turn to.
My partner at that time and I were fighting more and more, and I eventually threw away all my girl clothes. I tried to repress that part of me. There was one event during our relationship though that brought me true joy. We were at Macy's, and she knew I was struggling, and I think she was supporting me more as a friend then than a partner. She took me to their makeup area. She was getting some MAC makeup done, but she said I should find somone to do makeup for me. So, for the first time, I wore makeup. I went to the Estee Lauder lady, and she was so caring and kind. She didn't judge me at all. I talked with her quite a bit about myself and my feelings and such. She was very supportive and listened. I felt validated in just sharing with someone. When the makeup was done, I was ecstatic. I felt pretty. Now, I didn't look very girly or feminine. I looked like a guy with makeup on, but it was the feeling that I remember the most. Like I was finally letting out the part of me that needed to come out.
Later that night, my partner had a photo project due for school, and she wanted to take photos of me dressed in corsets and lingerie. She juxtaposed this with me in my regular clothes earlier in the day in various places and poses. She actually gave me persmission to wear her corsets and lingerie, and for the first time I had on professional makeup and a corset and accessories. She even curled my hair for some extra effect. I felt so comfortable. Like finally slipping into the skin I belonged, but I also felt extremely aroused. Like I was sexy. I was pretty. I could seduce. I wanted a guy to just take me and have his way with me like I was a girl. She got an A on that project. What stood out most in the photos were my face. Not my clothes or my body, but my face. And it wasn't because of the makeup. I didn't look very girly. In the photos where I was dressed up, I beamed. I glowed. It was obvious how happy I was. That was the best experience dressing up with her that I had.
Skip to a few years later, I'm not with anyone, but my emotions were all over the place. I had left an eight year relationship with the truly worst person in my life. I was just lost. I didn't have any girl clothes because I threw them all away. I was dealing with this major duality of my testosterone shot lifting me up one week then absolutely dropping me the next. Not only was I confused and in angst and turmoil, but she was too. That feeling inside of me. I kept thinking, "Am I trans? This doesn't feel right. My face doesn't feel right. My hips feel wrong. But then I get my shot, and I feel more 'me'. I can't explain what that means exactly. Just that I felt like I was right again. My body was right. So, am I trans because my hormones were going crazy and during the drop is when I felt the dysphoria the most, or was I perfectly normal with low testosterone and depression from gender confusion?" That line of thinking is still absolutely true to this day. I still have that struggle.
During this time though I began to explore once again with girl clothes. I purchased a few simple things, took some photos at home (which no one ever saw), and then just let it all disapear. I was so emotionally all over the place that I was lashing out at things that had no basis on my mental and physical state. One of those was blaming my girl clothes. Blaming her. I keep saying "her" because it's how I feel about my internal self, but I don't have a name, personality, or manifestation of that. It's just this feeling inside of me that's feminine and very much a "her". In my desperate attempt to understand something, anything, about myself, I threw away all my clothes again. This was the third wardrobe (albeit modest), that I threw out. Each and every time felt like I was throwing out part of me and it broke my heart. I didn't know how to be both male and female. I felt like both halves of me were spliting me in two.
I met a new partner online about five years ago. She helped so much in me learning about myself and letting go of some of my past. She was my first Domme and truly changed my life. She had me keep track of when I gave myself my last shot. She would notice the dips in my mood and pattern because I kept a mood tracker also. I didn't do any of this before her. I was upfront with her early about how I felt inside and what my struggles were, and she had some ideas to help. I gave myself my shot once a week instead of bi-weekly. I adjusted the dose of course to make it all even for the month. That was the goal. To try and get more even. I did. It was working pretty well. I didn't have the dips and valleys.
I was able to explore my SPH kink and cuckolding kink in a healthy manner for the very first time with her. I didn't have the same gender dysphoria as I did with the previous partner. I felt so inadequate with the previous person that I just didn't even feel like a man. So when I got to experience these things in a healthy atmosphere, I did feel like a man, but humiliated and degraded, and I loved it.
This allowed me to find some answers. I knew my feeling girly wasn't tied into how I felt as a man. That might seem like a simple conclusion, but when the darkness, confusion, anger, outrage, fear, anxiety, and internal strife are so rampant, any light is a welcome change. This was a ray of hope. Maybe I was finally figuring out who I was. I was a man.
Well, untill that urge to dress up came back. It always comes back. I threw away a wardrobe three times, and she still wasn't gone. I decided then and there that I had to accept this part of me regardless of what it is. I had to embrace her and give her expression in order to be myself. I bought some simple lingerie and my first corset. I had very fond memories of that photo shoot with my ex, and I really wanted to express my sexuality. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be wanted. If you look at my photos, you'll notice I don't show my face in those. That's because I don't have a feminine looking face. I had facial hair, and I wanted to look like a woman, not a dude in a corset. I vowed then that no matter what, I was not throwing away this wardrobe. Not a fourth time. Maybe it stays in the closet, (which is how I feel about all of this. That I'm in the closet, but I don't even know what closet.) but I was not going to throw anything away again.
This brought me peace. This actually felt right to me. I felt like I had two halves, and one was 65% dominant, but that 45% that is her is very much demanding and needs attention and expression.
Here's how I feel now. Still confused. Still lost in a way, but more at peace. I can live with who I am. That statement alone speaks volumes to me. I can live with who I am, but I'm not happy with who I am. I know my body is male. I gain muscle easily when I work out. I talk like a man. I act like a man. There is no one in my life that knows how much I struggle internally about this.
I recently looked up how to get hormones online. I thought maybe if I just took some spironolactone and estrogen to see how I felt it might give me some answers. Many issues with that. First, it would be behind my doctors back. So suddenly I'm getting testosterone levels that are 70ng/dl when all along we've been trying to get it in the normal range of roughly 500 - 650. Also, if I do that, and my body does change, how permanent is that? Like, if I began to develop breasts (not saying that would happen in the first month), but if I tried to take hormones for six months, what then? Things will become noticable to people. How do I explain that? So that's my current dilemma. If I'm even thinking of hormones in the first place, am I trans? I don't know. I just thought maybe I could be like Alice and try all the things to learn what doesn't work to find out what does by process of elimination.
This morning I looked up videos to hide facial hair shadow and body shaping videos. I desperately want to go to a queer event or kink event dressed as a woman. But my self esteem and image are such that I just don't feel confident. In fact, the idea terrifies me. She is giddy at the idea. Internally, that feminine aspect of me doesn't care if my face still looks manly, or my voice is deep. She just wants to be seen. Flaws and all. She wants her time.
I don't feel comfortable doing that until I can at least become semi-passable. Maybe practice some makeup. Get some body shaping stuff. Just keep doing things at home, by myself, and basically still hiding from the world.
This has been a sort of writing out my thoughts, and what I think is, my logical and reasoning brain just can't rationalize how I feel. My internal persona very much has a feminine side to me. I have to embrace that and accept her. I'm not sure to what extent, but I have to keep her safe and let her know that she's not alone either. Her struggles are my struggles because we are the same. I just don't know how to be her that feels right. I don't know if I'm trans and should seriously talk to my doctor about things or if I'm just a crossdresser. I just know I feel like I'm predominately male, but I have a very strong feminine internal sense of self. I just feel like I'm never going to find the answer, and while I can be content with who I am, I never really feel like I am who I am. I feel like I continue to hide about half of myself.
I let fears overrule many of my own desires. What would my sister think if her brother of 40 years suddenly said she had a sister all along? But it wasn't all along. I absolutely feel male a significant amount of the time. And that's the crux of all this. I feel male, but I just can't shake the femaleness to me also. I just try to balance the two as best I can, but I know I'm failing. There hasn't been any balance to this since in manifested in my late teens and I got to express that in my early 20s. So I struggle on.
Tags: Trans,Crossdressing,Mental Health,Acceptance,Struggle
Jan 17, 2023
Last night was an amazing party, and I had my first real scene in over five years. It was a night of many firsts, and I want to express my gratitude to the entire community for being so inviting and encouraging. Special thanks go to a few people.
First is MEZcan. They were gracious and excited enough to agree to top me for the evening. We clicked very naturally, and they are simply splendid at being in tune with how I was reacting. We had an easy chemistry that makes the entire night fun, and I have been in a happy little bliss cocoon ever since.
Second is Leigh_Girl. She had the best suggestions all night long. She was very complimentary about my dress and helped me feel confident enough to twirl. I'll have to practice that more in my boots and really get my Katnis on one day. More so, she helped me in after care with simple things that I just didn't think I would need. She said in her very disappointed mother tone (the universal tone all mothers get the instant they hear their first newborn cry) that I needed water and something to snack on after the scene. PrissyAphrodite assisted by grabbing me a water and some peanut M&Ms.
Shout out to MiSDress Michelle for offering her petticoat to try. It made twirling that much more fun and gave me more outfit ideas. Does a petticoat work with a mini skirt?
Finally, thank you again to Cincy_Sanctum. I love what you're doing for the community. The effort and attention to detail does not go unnoticed. The entire staff was fantastic. They take what they do seriously, but also know the perfect balance to maximize fun. Can't wait for the next party.
Negotiations with MEZ went very well. One thing to note personally is that my ADD made it slightly more challenging. I didn't realize how distracted I would get by simple things, which isn't great during a serious conversation about a scene. So in the future, maybe plan negotiations in conversation outside of the party beforehand. Maybe over drinks or lunch when it's more quiet and fewer sexy things can steal my attention. MEZ was an utter sweetheart in understanding, patient, and willing to wait so we could resume the appropriate talk.
A few negotiation specific observations.
Inquire if there is a need for a time limit. MEZ informed me they had a curfew before we started. During the scene, I paused and asked for a check in with MEZ. I asked if it was getting too late and did we need to end. I know a scene can warp space and time, so I just wanted to make sure they were good since I couldn't tell time at that moment. Knowing beforehand was nice so expectations were clearly set.
Water available during the scene, but also keep hydrated in advance. I had come from working all day and clearly was not hydrated enough. (Again, Leigh was very quick to point out the importance of staying hydrated later). During the scene I felt my mouth become extremely dry. A little drink of water would have been nice. I'd hate to just stop a scene and do that, so staying hydrated leading up to a party would be much better. But it's still good to know.
My masochistic side is ticklish! I knew that pain caused me to get horny and have near full body like orgasms, but I had forgotten that the other way I deal with pain is becoming ticklish. I was VERY ticklish around my lower back, and while I certainly don't mind, I would not want a full tickling scene when I really want an impact scene. I'd be down for a forced tickling scene, but I want that to be its own thing. So a mental note was made to add no tickling of the feet during an impact scene for future negotiations. Bastinado is totally fine, and if my body become ticklish because of pain, then that's its natural response. I'm not going to stop that.
Be ready to have at least the morning after available to rest and recover. I had today off already, but it's good to know just how tired and beat I am now. My body is the good kind of sore, but even moreso, I just feel like chilling in my happy little after play space (still). I have quickly lost motivation to do all this shopping and this and that. I'll go later, but it's good to remember not to be overly ambitious ahead of time and plan appropriately.
Clean everything, wipe down the space, and collect all items before getting dressed. I stripped out of a full outfit for the scene and had it laying in the area. After the scene, I picked up my clothes and went to change into something. During that time, MEZ did the cleanup, but I didn't want to put that on them. So I should get all the gear together and wipe everything down before changing next time. Just to be sure it's done.
That's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure other little thoughts will spring forth, but these were some of the things I wanted to keep track of for future play.
Mar 4, 2023
Really? Not mature enough to understand who they are? Fuck...I don't even understand who I am fully. I'm supposedly old enough and mature enough to know. But that's the thing. I never really did accept who I am. I knew. For a long, long time. I knew.
I've shared before that I started cross-dressing in my 20s. It was kind of sexual and kinky at first, but moreso, it just felt right. Like, these were just the clothes that I wanted to wear. Not boy clothes. I've worked in retail pharmacy as a pharmacy technician since I was 19. I remember being in my very early 20s, and I was filling a prescription for a friend. This was someone I went to high school with. We spent years together. Hung out after school. Played D&D together. Did all kinds of things together. He was one of my closest friends. I didn't have many back then. I was surprised when I saw a prescription for Spironolactone and Estrogen. I talked to the pharmacist about the combination, and they said it's typically used for people transitioning. I waited on my friend when he picked up his order, and we had a short talk about it in the pharmacy. Then I spoke with him after work, and he told me all about his journey and how he felt, and that he was trans. I only say "he" in this instance to illustrate that's how I know her at that time. But I never judged. I was curious. I resonated with what she was saying to me. We had a long talk, and I shared how I wore women's clothes, and I asked her how she knew she was trans. She explained in a roundabout way, because I think that's all any of us can really do. Explain in a roundabout kind of way. It's hard to describe our own inner struggles and how we just know when something is right.
I can't tell you how many times I've gone to YouTube and looked up something like, "Am I trans - psychologist / therapist". I've been asking myself that for over 20 years. I keep justifying why I'm not. I keep hiding why I'm not. There's a litany of reasons why I never said I was trans. I'm faking. It's not really who I am. I'm just an imposter. I don't belong in the trans community. I won't pass. I'll lose my family. I'll be an outcast. There's too many other reasons to really list. But my mind kept trying to bury the idea that I am trans down so I can live a normal, happy life. Except when those thoughts never go away, and I keep finding myself drawn to trans people, I know it's not faking it. It's not being an imposter. It's not trying to just be chic and part of a group. I gravitate to trans people because deep down, if I finally admit it to myself, I'm desperate. I'm desperate to know how they did it. I'm desperate to know if they're happy. I'm desperate for any lifeline that will help me be who I am. But I never said that out loud. I never really allowed myself to even fully understand that.
When I was a small boy, 8 or 9, my dad and mom were going through a horrible situation. Dad was convinced they would get divorced. They would, but not for another 5 years or so. I distinctly remember him being drunk, as usual, in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, and he called me in. I was terrified of him because he was an abusive alcoholic, and I didn't want him to get angry. So I opened the door just enough to talk with him. My mom and sister were out somewhere at the time. I remember him sobbing on the toilet. Saying how mom was going to leave him, and he just knew my sister would go with my mom. He said I was his son. His only son. The only one that would understand him, and he was pushing to know if I would pick him or mom if a judge asked. Naturally I would get away from the abusive alcoholic father, but I was all alone with him, so I said what I had to say to stay safe. I said I'd pick him. He just kept sobbing saying how no one loves him, he's all alone, no one wants to be with him, and if I didn't chose to be with him, then he was just going to be done. Wash his hands of all of us. He threatened suicide, which was the first of many times he used that tactic to manipulate me. I was younger than 10 years old. Been afraid of him since I can remember. Of course I believed he would do it. And he fully made me believe that it would be because of me. Imagine being a kid feeling like you killed your own father because he made you think it was because of you if it ever did happen.
I will fast foward and say that he and I did end up resolving our issues as adults. He changed a lot. That story is too long for this post. I mentioned the above to say that he passed away in September 2021. I always lived to be his "good boy". His "son". He never really changed much in thinking that no one loved him, and he was so proud of me as a son. It was one of the small joys that was in his life. I told my dad in my 20s that I was bisexual, and we had an honest talk about that, and he accepted me and accepted that. But I'll never forget what he said after though. We had just had this heartfelt talk about how I liked both sexes, and he said he occassionally found himself attracted to guys, so he kinda got it. And he loved me. And I was his son. Then he said, "God, just don't let him wear a dress." i literally felt deflated inside. Just like, "Well, fuck. Ok. I guess there's only so much he can handle at a time. I'll just keep that to myself for now." That "for now" turned into another 20 years. I was his son until he passed.
That's weighed on me a lot. My mom, dad, all my grandparents, and almost all immedate family, except an uncle I hardly see and my sister, are all dead. I felt obligated to be a good son for my dad and my mom. I'm not obligated to anyone anymore. They're gone. I lived for them. I did my best anyway. I don't have to live for anyone anymore. Even knowing that, I still haven't straight up said the one thing that I've know for over 20 years. I haven't admitted it to myself or said it outloud or shared with anyone really.
I've been ultra emotional the last few weeks. Just moments of completely breaking down and crying, and it seemed to me for no reason, but I knew. I know. I'm still really struggling inside, but I know why, and I know I'll be okay. Because what I'm struggling with is breaking this shell I've built up around me. The one that's stopped me from saying the one thing I should have said 20 years ago. The one that keeps me from really being free and happy. And I know it's time to break that shell and live me life and accept the consequences and the rewards, because I've always said I wanted one thing in a partner. Brutal honesty. Even if it hurts. Well, I'm a partner with myself, and I've been lying to myself for a long, long time. And I don't know the full extent or the full journey or where it ends, but there is one thing I know, and I haven't said it. It never felt truly right. It felt like I was faking and being an imposter. But I know I have to say it to myself first before I can say it to anyone else.
I'm trans.
I literally just started typing what was sure to be a list of a million reasons meant to convince myself that it's okay to say that. I stopped. I don't need to justify saying that. I need to accept it. Not logic it into existence. Trans is what I am. It's always been what I am. I knew it for a long, long time. The million reasons meant to convince me only convinced me to stay closeted and bury those feelings. I've lived life well enough to this point, but I always knew. It's time to be who I am. The best part is it's kind of terrifying. It's terrifying going through a second puberty and literally figuring out my identity all over again. But that's also the best part. I get to figure out who I've always been but never allowed myself to be. I've always conformed and fallen in line and tried to be a good boy. Which is ironic given how stubborn I am and how often I question everything and don't give a fuck about rules. I don't care about rules, but I sure as hell fell victim to compliance and social pressure. Well, if I'm strong enough to break this shell that I've built up for 20+ years, then I'm strong enough to handle whatever anyone can throw at me.
I have an appointment on Monday at an informed consent clinic so I can begin HRT. I've been looking forward to it since I made the appointment. Even when I scheduled, I still didn't tell myself I was trans. Just that I was going to take the hormones because I need to know. For years I've needed to know if estrogen felt right. Because my body sure doesn't feel right as it is. I had a thought that finally broke that last littler barrier that kept me in the shell. I was still making excuses of how I can start HRT and no one will ever really notice any changes anyway, so why come out? Why start dressing as a girl when I have a full beard and look like a man? There's no need to draw that kind of attention or make people uncomfortable at work or in public. So I'll just take my hormones and be happy on the inside. Then the thought occurred that finally broke me and made me realize the truth.
What if they didn't prescribe me hormones?!
This clinic is well known for gender affirming and informed consent care. It's almost certain they will, but when I thought about what if they didn't, I panicked. Literally. I just broke down and started crying and felt so desperate. In my mind I was already pleading with the doctor. Please. Let me just start. I'll begin therapy after if I need to, but please don't make me wait a year for therapy or something. That's what was going on in my mind. Just sheer panic and desperation. It was pretty obvious to me why I felt that way. That lifeline I had been seeking is right in front of me, and if it gets snatched away, then I'll have to just continue on as I am, but I don't want to. For the first time in a long, long time, I have hope. More importantly, regardless of what happens on Monday, I have acceptance. I'll be okay. No matter what. Even if it takes time, that's okay. I have the rest of my life. My appearance does not change who I am or what I am. I have to transform on the inside before I can transform on the outside. That process took 41 years of my life. I'll be okay waiting a few more days for my body to catch up with who I am inside.
Tags: Trans,Acceptance
May 10, 2023
My provider wants my estrogen levels to be near 200 pg/ml as the standard. My results have been 227 pg/ml, 254 pg/ml, 212 pg/ml, etc... Basically between 200 and 250. They have been fine with this, and all had been going pretty well (results being from September, 2024 to March, 2025).
Testosterone is considered suppressed if the levels are under 50 ng/dl. In the same timeframe as the estrogen my testosterone was 46 ng/dl, 25ng/dl, and 19 ng/dl.
I was very excited to see the testosterone numbers start to drop. My partner's testosterone is so low it doesn't even register. It's literally "undetectable". I felt upset at first when my numbers were still near 50, so I thought with them getting closer to 0 that I would start feeling more girly. More womanly. Something along those lines that would be affirming.
That's not what happened though. When my testosterone dipped into the mid to low teens I really felt a major drop in sexual interest. I felt asexual entirely. @NoelleCharm, @Miseria, and I have a very loving, balanced, equal throuple relationship. Miseria would come over for date night, and I would mentally and emotionally want to have sex and be intimate with my partners. My body was absolutely not having it. It was fully shut down sexually.
Noelle kept telling me how she adjusted and she's still horny and has sexual interest, and that I was probably adjusting too. However, I had been adjusted. I was fine. When my testosterone was in the 40s, I was loving sex. I was having plenty of girly orgasms with no ejaculate. Just full body, nearly minute long, intense orgasms. I love sex, and I love feeling my partners, and I was pretty sad that I was unable to enjoy something that had never been an issue before. I felt like I had lost control over part of my body.
In response, I took a drastic action to find an answer. I (in a previous life) used to do testosterone shots for hormone replacement therapy. I only ever had one functional testicle, and my testosterone levels were always at a bare minimal of the male spectrum. I still had a few vials of usable testosterone that I saved when I switched to estrogen. I decided I would do a "small" dose of testosterone to see if it would increase my sex drive again.
The shot was not that small of a dose as it turns out. I was full on dude bro mode for about three weeks. It was way more masculinization than I wanted. My sex drive was higher for sure. That was a success. It was too high. I was like a teenage boy again fighting puberty urges. I didn't feel dysphoric per se, but I wasn't feeling girly or womanly at all. My girlfriend can attest to the mood and attitude changes.
I did have sex with my partners. That goal was accomplished, but I was way too aggressive and way too rough. There was none of the sensual build up that we all love. There wasn't the intimate connection. I was fucking. Plain and simple.
The balance in my hormones were way off. I could physically feel that. I've been in the pharmacy field for 25 years. In my infinite wisdom of such matters I decided another estrogen shot would balance things out. All of this was a mere three weeks before my labs were being done again.
My lab results this time was estrogen at 453 pg/ml and testosterone at 96 ng/dl. This was nearly double on both accounts. The risk to estrogen higher than the standard 200 (250ish really) was increase chance of blood clots and complacations to that. The testosterone was no longer suppressed, so those effects were taking over as well. I felt very all out of balance and out of sync for a few weeks.
I followed up with my doctor and told them what I had done and why. They then understood the very anomalous lab results. I explained I wanted to increase libido but without testosterone. Maybe Wellbutrin or something? They said that is a good option for someone on SSRIs and the side effects of those reducing libido. Otherwise it doesn't do much. The only option they really had was testosterone.
I finally acquiesced when they said it would be a compounded low dose cream. Just 12.5mg instead of the nearly 200mg I injected myself with. It would be used every two to three days or even just as needed when I wanted to feel arousal. It would be applied directly to my bits so it would not impact me systematically.
I have been using the cream every other day for a few weeks now, and I have this very low level arousal almost all the time. It's pretty great just feeling "primed" for sex and having fun but not being so driven mad with lust that I can't control it. Everything feels very balanced.
Hormones can be very sensitive to discuss with other trans people. I know I personally compared myself to my girlfriend and others. I thought my numbers needed to be closer to other's numbers. It took me going rogue to find out that the numbers for someone else doesn't mean anything for my own journey and goals. A little testosterone in my system was the perfect balance for me.
That's my point in this is sharing that we can get caught up with the numbers on paper. We can lose sight of ourselves when we constantly hold up who we are against someone else. We are not anyone but ourselves. Embrace your own individuality. Learn what works FOR YOU. Be THAT person. Be YOU. It can be hard because I know many of us feel imposter syndrome and like we have to be this or that. Nope. Not true.
If you are trans, gender non-conforming, questioning in any way at all, look to others for support, guidance, stories, anything that might help you find the stepping stones for your path. That path is yours. What feels right and balanced to you may be completely different than anyone else.You are different than anyone else. Embrace it.
Always work with your medical provider who assists in the journey. Don't be shy to talk about needing sexual desire if your libido dropped. They understand. My provider suggested what they did because many other trans girls felt the same way and had positive results with the compounded cream.
I am glad others before me spoke up and shared their concerns. That is why I share this. Someone may be feeling imabalanced and think they just have to live with it so they don't rock the boat or upset their provider. Providers have seen and heard it all before, and if they are supporting you this far in HRT and your gender care, they will do so in all areas. Trust yourself and trust the process and enjoy the journey.
Tags: HRT,Trans,Gender Identity,Healthcare,Sexual Health
Jun 28, 2025
This pooner is partner and lover of Pandrogyny, who is 44 years old and a self-described female and trans woman. Pandrogyny is part of the ugly, hairy and no doubt smelly gordian relationship that BiteSizeLoverBoy is also a part of.
Pandrogynys current relationships are as follows.
"Partner of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Lover of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Polyamorous with NoelleCharm
Lover of NoelleCharm
Partner of NoelleCharm
Lover of Miseria
Partner of Miseria
Girlfriend of RedHeadRopeGirl
Play Partner of RedHeadRopeGirl
Dating FoxyDyani
D/s relationships
under protection of BiteSizeLoverBoy
owned and collared by BiteSizeLoverBoy
Princess of BiteSizeLoverBoy
Temptress of RedHeadRopeGirl
Femme Fatale of Miseria
Protecting NoelleCharm
Vampiress of NoelleCharm"
I promise I'll update this properly soon(ish).
Mentally, I had a rough spell. Therapy has been fantastic and truly helpful, but it's like any new fitness routine. There's moments of pain and struggle and feeling like it's too hard. I was at a point where I wanted to quit, everyone and everything. But love and amazing people in my life encouraged and supported me.
I'm significantly better and happier. I'm still on a healing journey, but I'm good with who I am. For now, I'm a very happy trans woman living her life openly and proud. I am polyamorous with the most beautiful and cherished group of lovers and people. I am a sadistic femme Domme who nurtures and cares for those I play with.
I have a strong sense of character with compassion and warm hearted openness. I treat people like people first, with respect and honesty. I believe in consent even if given 100 times before. I still want to make sure NOW is good also. I specialize in impact topping, mental play (humiliation, degradation, and objectification), sensation play (fire wands, violet wands, candles, blades, etc...), and fun taboo / unusual play (face sitting, watersports, dark mental play).
I'm ADD as fuck and get overwhelmed. I'm super busy all the time. I try to make connections as best as I can. I'd rather a deep and meaningful conversation than a quick, "wanna fuck?" sorta message. The answer to that is I don't really want to fuck. I can get off on my own just fine. My hand and vibrators work.
I want an experience. I want a memory embedded into the loins of my body. I want to feel the energy and eroticism course through me in a soft breeze on a warm summer day just because that gentle touch reminded my body of how you started slow and then claimed me with passion that could no longer be contained. I'll be your plaything. Fondle me. Grope me. Make me yours. But you better fuck my mind first and show me who you are. Otherwise my body and soul just won't be interested. My orgasms come with a disclaimer. Ignore that at your own risk.
Mentally, I had a rough spell. Therapy has been fantastic and truly helpful, but it's like any new fitness routine. There's moments of pain and struggle and feeling like it's too hard. I was at a point where I wanted to quit, everyone and everything. But love and amazing people in my life encouraged and supported me.
I'm significantly better and happier. I'm still on a healing journey, but I'm good with who I am. For now, I'm a very happy trans woman living her life openly and proud. I am polyamorous with the most beautiful and cherished group of lovers and people. I am a sadistic femme Domme who nurtures and cares for those I play with.
I have a strong sense of character with compassion and warm hearted openness. I treat people like people first, with respect and honesty. I believe in consent even if given 100 times before. I still want to make sure NOW is good also. I specialize in impact topping, mental play (humiliation, degradation, and objectification), sensation play (fire wands, violet wands, candles, blades, etc...), and fun taboo / unusual play (face sitting, watersports, dark mental play).
I'm ADD as fuck and get overwhelmed. I'm super busy all the time. I try to make connections as best as I can. I'd rather a deep and meaningful conversation than a quick, "wanna fuck?" sorta message. The answer to that is I don't really want to fuck. I can get off on my own just fine. My hand and vibrators work.
I want an experience. I want a memory embedded into the loins of my body. I want to feel the energy and eroticism course through me in a soft breeze on a warm summer day just because that gentle touch reminded my body of how you started slow and then claimed me with passion that could no longer be contained. I'll be your plaything. Fondle me. Grope me. Make me yours. But you better fuck my mind first and show me who you are. Otherwise my body and soul just won't be interested. My orgasms come with a disclaimer. Ignore that at your own risk.
Pandrogyny has kept posting pictures during his journey from normal dude to troon axe murderer. Since shared suffering is halfed suffering, you get to see them too.
What is he getting up to with his partners?
So far the only thing noteworthy about this troon seems to be that he has a social life and is not terminally online. How then did he get his egg cracked? Well, he was born with only one testicle and has had low testosterone levels all his life, discovered only in adulthood. He has been battling low energy, depression and feelings of inadequacy over his small penis for much of his life. Once he started getting t-shots for his low t-levels, his bi-weekly shots caused him to experience mood swings when he came down from normal t levels in the second week. That all played a part in this dude crossdressing and developing a female persona. When he was in a toxic relationship with a woman that cuckolded him nonconsensually his depression and crossdressing tendencies worsened. After that relationship he got into another relationship with a woman who cuckolded him consensually and forced him to take weekly t-shots at half dose instead of the bi-weekly ones. That apparently worked to put his gender delusions into remission. Until during the social isolation of Covid he experienced depression again. Then he met people at a sex party that encouraged him to spin his skirt. Later he started troon-juicing and fell in with the crowd of gender ghouls above.
My gender and identity struggle
This might be a bit rambly because I honestly don't know what I want to say. I just feel like I need to express some thoughts, feelings, and fears, and I hope that someone can relate or perhaps it starts a conversation. With that in mind, I apologize in advance if this gets long winded.Identity to me is a strange concept. I'm a (soon to be) 41 year old man. Never once thought as a kid I was a girl or trans. I still don't believe I'm trans, but I constantly find myself asking, "Am I? Why would I even be asking myself that (COUNTLESS TIMES) if maybe there wasn't a little bit of truth to it?" Then I think to my physical body and physical condition as a means to rationalize and logic it away.
I was born with one testicle. The second never descended and never developed at all. I was told it was an inguinal testicle, and it was removed to prevent any cancer risks or health complications. My logical mind says this is the reason I feel a sense of dysphoria. I have low testosterone and always have. In fact, during puberty, I never had the right amount to begin with. That didn't stop my body from developing fully male, albeit less gifted than most in certain areas. I remember in my very early 20s that my partner at the time was jealous of my figure. She said I had a better hour glass shape than she did. Well, that was nearly 80 pounds ago. Any shape I have now needs to be reconstructed.
But it was during those early 20s when things seem to just accelerate for my dysphoria. I don't recall exactly when I started to feel feminine, but it was during that time. I discussed this with my partner, and she was extremely supportive. I began wearing some of her clothes at home, and it just felt right. It felt like that was my second skin. I made love to her dressed in something of hers, and it never once felt unnatural. She wasn't super turned on or excited by it, but she also didn't shun and judge harshly.
Cut to a few years later. I'm with a new partner. It had been a few years since I did any dressing up from before, and it was like an urge was seeping back. Just this drive to dress and express my feminine side. At that time I had a very close friend in high school begin their transition phase. I had a lengthy discussion with them how she felt trans was right. How did she know she was a she? She said she felt that way since childhood. As a child, when still presenting male, she was able to excel at baseball and could have had a legit chance of being recruited by colleges. Even now I think she'll say she could still hit the ball 300ft. Even during the times when she excelled at things typically male, she said she still felt like a girl. She works full time now as a college professor and is fully female in presenting. She posts on her social media all the time what she's wearing, and she genuinely seems happy with life and how it's treating her.
I find it awkward to refer to people pre-transition. We all have a past, and it is very much respected and understood, but I worry I'll offend someone if I say "he" in the past sense when internally they were always she. If anyone has any thoughts or experiences in referring to people's past lives in a respectful way, I would truly appreciate it. My whole intent it to express myself and my experience and connect people. Not create conflict, controversy, or anger out of ignorance. (Again, rambly. Apologies).
For me, listening to her, it didn't feel quite like me. I didn't feel like a girl. However, I still felt very feminine. At this time I did not know about my low testosterone. I would not get my first T test until I was 30. My levels at 30 were 257ng/dl. The normal range at that time was 350 on the low end and 1200 on the high end. I knew that once a man hits 30, they lose 1 percent testosterone each year. If I was already that low, how low would I be when I was 40? I began taking T shots that year because I had severe fatigue, and I didn't know why. I honestly feared driving sometimes because I would doze off at lights. I didn't feel safe. So my doctor and I decided to try T shots. I'll go into that roller coaster of mental states in a moment.
Back to the second partner. I shared with her (after being together a few years) my desire to crossdress and wear women's clothes. She did not respond positively. She was very judgemental. Wanted to break up with me actually. But we were in a terribly unhealthy, co-dependent relationship so we stayed together. She's also the one who cucked me the first time. I have a massive (basically obsessive) compulsion with cuckolding and small penis humiliation because of my own mental distress and body insecurity. I know this. I fetishized the pain into pleasure. It was a coping mechanism, but I do find it genuinely arousing and is a major kink.
As we stayed together, I began to buy some women's clothes. Nothing fancy. No corsets or anything. Simple shirts and a few dresses. Basic flats for shoes. Nothing that would really be impressive to anyone, but to me, it meant that I had this part of me. I felt like I had this girl in me that wanted needed to come out. She was fighting me regardless if I wanted it or not.
This ties in with the testosterone roller coaster at the time. My body never made enough, so I guess I never really understood what it felt like to have "normal" testosterone. My shots were every two weeks. So week 1 of this shot I get this massive boost, but during week 2, there was an extremely depressive drop. I felt like there was a wall I just couldn't get past to feel. Anything. I would become so depressed nothing was of interest. I was feeling so lost and torn about who I was. Testosterone made me feel more "me", but then I suddenly felt "her" even more forceful. I was in pain and didn't know who to talk to or who to turn to.
My partner at that time and I were fighting more and more, and I eventually threw away all my girl clothes. I tried to repress that part of me. There was one event during our relationship though that brought me true joy. We were at Macy's, and she knew I was struggling, and I think she was supporting me more as a friend then than a partner. She took me to their makeup area. She was getting some MAC makeup done, but she said I should find somone to do makeup for me. So, for the first time, I wore makeup. I went to the Estee Lauder lady, and she was so caring and kind. She didn't judge me at all. I talked with her quite a bit about myself and my feelings and such. She was very supportive and listened. I felt validated in just sharing with someone. When the makeup was done, I was ecstatic. I felt pretty. Now, I didn't look very girly or feminine. I looked like a guy with makeup on, but it was the feeling that I remember the most. Like I was finally letting out the part of me that needed to come out.
Later that night, my partner had a photo project due for school, and she wanted to take photos of me dressed in corsets and lingerie. She juxtaposed this with me in my regular clothes earlier in the day in various places and poses. She actually gave me persmission to wear her corsets and lingerie, and for the first time I had on professional makeup and a corset and accessories. She even curled my hair for some extra effect. I felt so comfortable. Like finally slipping into the skin I belonged, but I also felt extremely aroused. Like I was sexy. I was pretty. I could seduce. I wanted a guy to just take me and have his way with me like I was a girl. She got an A on that project. What stood out most in the photos were my face. Not my clothes or my body, but my face. And it wasn't because of the makeup. I didn't look very girly. In the photos where I was dressed up, I beamed. I glowed. It was obvious how happy I was. That was the best experience dressing up with her that I had.
Skip to a few years later, I'm not with anyone, but my emotions were all over the place. I had left an eight year relationship with the truly worst person in my life. I was just lost. I didn't have any girl clothes because I threw them all away. I was dealing with this major duality of my testosterone shot lifting me up one week then absolutely dropping me the next. Not only was I confused and in angst and turmoil, but she was too. That feeling inside of me. I kept thinking, "Am I trans? This doesn't feel right. My face doesn't feel right. My hips feel wrong. But then I get my shot, and I feel more 'me'. I can't explain what that means exactly. Just that I felt like I was right again. My body was right. So, am I trans because my hormones were going crazy and during the drop is when I felt the dysphoria the most, or was I perfectly normal with low testosterone and depression from gender confusion?" That line of thinking is still absolutely true to this day. I still have that struggle.
During this time though I began to explore once again with girl clothes. I purchased a few simple things, took some photos at home (which no one ever saw), and then just let it all disapear. I was so emotionally all over the place that I was lashing out at things that had no basis on my mental and physical state. One of those was blaming my girl clothes. Blaming her. I keep saying "her" because it's how I feel about my internal self, but I don't have a name, personality, or manifestation of that. It's just this feeling inside of me that's feminine and very much a "her". In my desperate attempt to understand something, anything, about myself, I threw away all my clothes again. This was the third wardrobe (albeit modest), that I threw out. Each and every time felt like I was throwing out part of me and it broke my heart. I didn't know how to be both male and female. I felt like both halves of me were spliting me in two.
I met a new partner online about five years ago. She helped so much in me learning about myself and letting go of some of my past. She was my first Domme and truly changed my life. She had me keep track of when I gave myself my last shot. She would notice the dips in my mood and pattern because I kept a mood tracker also. I didn't do any of this before her. I was upfront with her early about how I felt inside and what my struggles were, and she had some ideas to help. I gave myself my shot once a week instead of bi-weekly. I adjusted the dose of course to make it all even for the month. That was the goal. To try and get more even. I did. It was working pretty well. I didn't have the dips and valleys.
I was able to explore my SPH kink and cuckolding kink in a healthy manner for the very first time with her. I didn't have the same gender dysphoria as I did with the previous partner. I felt so inadequate with the previous person that I just didn't even feel like a man. So when I got to experience these things in a healthy atmosphere, I did feel like a man, but humiliated and degraded, and I loved it.
This allowed me to find some answers. I knew my feeling girly wasn't tied into how I felt as a man. That might seem like a simple conclusion, but when the darkness, confusion, anger, outrage, fear, anxiety, and internal strife are so rampant, any light is a welcome change. This was a ray of hope. Maybe I was finally figuring out who I was. I was a man.
Well, untill that urge to dress up came back. It always comes back. I threw away a wardrobe three times, and she still wasn't gone. I decided then and there that I had to accept this part of me regardless of what it is. I had to embrace her and give her expression in order to be myself. I bought some simple lingerie and my first corset. I had very fond memories of that photo shoot with my ex, and I really wanted to express my sexuality. I wanted to be pretty. I wanted to be wanted. If you look at my photos, you'll notice I don't show my face in those. That's because I don't have a feminine looking face. I had facial hair, and I wanted to look like a woman, not a dude in a corset. I vowed then that no matter what, I was not throwing away this wardrobe. Not a fourth time. Maybe it stays in the closet, (which is how I feel about all of this. That I'm in the closet, but I don't even know what closet.) but I was not going to throw anything away again.
This brought me peace. This actually felt right to me. I felt like I had two halves, and one was 65% dominant, but that 45% that is her is very much demanding and needs attention and expression.
Here's how I feel now. Still confused. Still lost in a way, but more at peace. I can live with who I am. That statement alone speaks volumes to me. I can live with who I am, but I'm not happy with who I am. I know my body is male. I gain muscle easily when I work out. I talk like a man. I act like a man. There is no one in my life that knows how much I struggle internally about this.
I recently looked up how to get hormones online. I thought maybe if I just took some spironolactone and estrogen to see how I felt it might give me some answers. Many issues with that. First, it would be behind my doctors back. So suddenly I'm getting testosterone levels that are 70ng/dl when all along we've been trying to get it in the normal range of roughly 500 - 650. Also, if I do that, and my body does change, how permanent is that? Like, if I began to develop breasts (not saying that would happen in the first month), but if I tried to take hormones for six months, what then? Things will become noticable to people. How do I explain that? So that's my current dilemma. If I'm even thinking of hormones in the first place, am I trans? I don't know. I just thought maybe I could be like Alice and try all the things to learn what doesn't work to find out what does by process of elimination.
This morning I looked up videos to hide facial hair shadow and body shaping videos. I desperately want to go to a queer event or kink event dressed as a woman. But my self esteem and image are such that I just don't feel confident. In fact, the idea terrifies me. She is giddy at the idea. Internally, that feminine aspect of me doesn't care if my face still looks manly, or my voice is deep. She just wants to be seen. Flaws and all. She wants her time.
I don't feel comfortable doing that until I can at least become semi-passable. Maybe practice some makeup. Get some body shaping stuff. Just keep doing things at home, by myself, and basically still hiding from the world.
This has been a sort of writing out my thoughts, and what I think is, my logical and reasoning brain just can't rationalize how I feel. My internal persona very much has a feminine side to me. I have to embrace that and accept her. I'm not sure to what extent, but I have to keep her safe and let her know that she's not alone either. Her struggles are my struggles because we are the same. I just don't know how to be her that feels right. I don't know if I'm trans and should seriously talk to my doctor about things or if I'm just a crossdresser. I just know I feel like I'm predominately male, but I have a very strong feminine internal sense of self. I just feel like I'm never going to find the answer, and while I can be content with who I am, I never really feel like I am who I am. I feel like I continue to hide about half of myself.
I let fears overrule many of my own desires. What would my sister think if her brother of 40 years suddenly said she had a sister all along? But it wasn't all along. I absolutely feel male a significant amount of the time. And that's the crux of all this. I feel male, but I just can't shake the femaleness to me also. I just try to balance the two as best I can, but I know I'm failing. There hasn't been any balance to this since in manifested in my late teens and I got to express that in my early 20s. So I struggle on.
Tags: Trans,Crossdressing,Mental Health,Acceptance,Struggle
Jan 17, 2023
What I learned last night
Just a quick little note of some thoughts about last night's party. My memory can be kind of shit, and sometimes it's just good to write things down. Also, if I'm thinking of doing scenes in the future, it might be nice to refer back to this and bring it up during negotiations.Last night was an amazing party, and I had my first real scene in over five years. It was a night of many firsts, and I want to express my gratitude to the entire community for being so inviting and encouraging. Special thanks go to a few people.
First is MEZcan. They were gracious and excited enough to agree to top me for the evening. We clicked very naturally, and they are simply splendid at being in tune with how I was reacting. We had an easy chemistry that makes the entire night fun, and I have been in a happy little bliss cocoon ever since.
Second is Leigh_Girl. She had the best suggestions all night long. She was very complimentary about my dress and helped me feel confident enough to twirl. I'll have to practice that more in my boots and really get my Katnis on one day. More so, she helped me in after care with simple things that I just didn't think I would need. She said in her very disappointed mother tone (the universal tone all mothers get the instant they hear their first newborn cry) that I needed water and something to snack on after the scene. PrissyAphrodite assisted by grabbing me a water and some peanut M&Ms.
Shout out to MiSDress Michelle for offering her petticoat to try. It made twirling that much more fun and gave me more outfit ideas. Does a petticoat work with a mini skirt?
Finally, thank you again to Cincy_Sanctum. I love what you're doing for the community. The effort and attention to detail does not go unnoticed. The entire staff was fantastic. They take what they do seriously, but also know the perfect balance to maximize fun. Can't wait for the next party.
Negotiations with MEZ went very well. One thing to note personally is that my ADD made it slightly more challenging. I didn't realize how distracted I would get by simple things, which isn't great during a serious conversation about a scene. So in the future, maybe plan negotiations in conversation outside of the party beforehand. Maybe over drinks or lunch when it's more quiet and fewer sexy things can steal my attention. MEZ was an utter sweetheart in understanding, patient, and willing to wait so we could resume the appropriate talk.
A few negotiation specific observations.
Inquire if there is a need for a time limit. MEZ informed me they had a curfew before we started. During the scene, I paused and asked for a check in with MEZ. I asked if it was getting too late and did we need to end. I know a scene can warp space and time, so I just wanted to make sure they were good since I couldn't tell time at that moment. Knowing beforehand was nice so expectations were clearly set.
Water available during the scene, but also keep hydrated in advance. I had come from working all day and clearly was not hydrated enough. (Again, Leigh was very quick to point out the importance of staying hydrated later). During the scene I felt my mouth become extremely dry. A little drink of water would have been nice. I'd hate to just stop a scene and do that, so staying hydrated leading up to a party would be much better. But it's still good to know.
My masochistic side is ticklish! I knew that pain caused me to get horny and have near full body like orgasms, but I had forgotten that the other way I deal with pain is becoming ticklish. I was VERY ticklish around my lower back, and while I certainly don't mind, I would not want a full tickling scene when I really want an impact scene. I'd be down for a forced tickling scene, but I want that to be its own thing. So a mental note was made to add no tickling of the feet during an impact scene for future negotiations. Bastinado is totally fine, and if my body become ticklish because of pain, then that's its natural response. I'm not going to stop that.
Be ready to have at least the morning after available to rest and recover. I had today off already, but it's good to know just how tired and beat I am now. My body is the good kind of sore, but even moreso, I just feel like chilling in my happy little after play space (still). I have quickly lost motivation to do all this shopping and this and that. I'll go later, but it's good to remember not to be overly ambitious ahead of time and plan appropriately.
Clean everything, wipe down the space, and collect all items before getting dressed. I stripped out of a full outfit for the scene and had it laying in the area. After the scene, I picked up my clothes and went to change into something. During that time, MEZ did the cleanup, but I didn't want to put that on them. So I should get all the gear together and wipe everything down before changing next time. Just to be sure it's done.
That's about all I can think of for now. I'm sure other little thoughts will spring forth, but these were some of the things I wanted to keep track of for future play.
Mar 4, 2023
I'm Trans
This isn't going to be easy for me to write. It's a struggle. This entire journey has been a struggle. That's why I need to write and share and accept. I'm a 41 year old man. That's what the world sees me as. I never told the world otherwise. I never told myself otherwise. I know how significant my own struggles have been, and I've gone through a lot in my life. A lot. I can only imagine the challenges someone in their 20s face when trying to accept who they are. I also think about the younger people who are trying to convince their parents something they know is true about themselves, but the world is telling them they're not mature enough to really understand who they are.Really? Not mature enough to understand who they are? Fuck...I don't even understand who I am fully. I'm supposedly old enough and mature enough to know. But that's the thing. I never really did accept who I am. I knew. For a long, long time. I knew.
I've shared before that I started cross-dressing in my 20s. It was kind of sexual and kinky at first, but moreso, it just felt right. Like, these were just the clothes that I wanted to wear. Not boy clothes. I've worked in retail pharmacy as a pharmacy technician since I was 19. I remember being in my very early 20s, and I was filling a prescription for a friend. This was someone I went to high school with. We spent years together. Hung out after school. Played D&D together. Did all kinds of things together. He was one of my closest friends. I didn't have many back then. I was surprised when I saw a prescription for Spironolactone and Estrogen. I talked to the pharmacist about the combination, and they said it's typically used for people transitioning. I waited on my friend when he picked up his order, and we had a short talk about it in the pharmacy. Then I spoke with him after work, and he told me all about his journey and how he felt, and that he was trans. I only say "he" in this instance to illustrate that's how I know her at that time. But I never judged. I was curious. I resonated with what she was saying to me. We had a long talk, and I shared how I wore women's clothes, and I asked her how she knew she was trans. She explained in a roundabout way, because I think that's all any of us can really do. Explain in a roundabout kind of way. It's hard to describe our own inner struggles and how we just know when something is right.
I can't tell you how many times I've gone to YouTube and looked up something like, "Am I trans - psychologist / therapist". I've been asking myself that for over 20 years. I keep justifying why I'm not. I keep hiding why I'm not. There's a litany of reasons why I never said I was trans. I'm faking. It's not really who I am. I'm just an imposter. I don't belong in the trans community. I won't pass. I'll lose my family. I'll be an outcast. There's too many other reasons to really list. But my mind kept trying to bury the idea that I am trans down so I can live a normal, happy life. Except when those thoughts never go away, and I keep finding myself drawn to trans people, I know it's not faking it. It's not being an imposter. It's not trying to just be chic and part of a group. I gravitate to trans people because deep down, if I finally admit it to myself, I'm desperate. I'm desperate to know how they did it. I'm desperate to know if they're happy. I'm desperate for any lifeline that will help me be who I am. But I never said that out loud. I never really allowed myself to even fully understand that.
When I was a small boy, 8 or 9, my dad and mom were going through a horrible situation. Dad was convinced they would get divorced. They would, but not for another 5 years or so. I distinctly remember him being drunk, as usual, in the bathroom, sitting on the toilet, and he called me in. I was terrified of him because he was an abusive alcoholic, and I didn't want him to get angry. So I opened the door just enough to talk with him. My mom and sister were out somewhere at the time. I remember him sobbing on the toilet. Saying how mom was going to leave him, and he just knew my sister would go with my mom. He said I was his son. His only son. The only one that would understand him, and he was pushing to know if I would pick him or mom if a judge asked. Naturally I would get away from the abusive alcoholic father, but I was all alone with him, so I said what I had to say to stay safe. I said I'd pick him. He just kept sobbing saying how no one loves him, he's all alone, no one wants to be with him, and if I didn't chose to be with him, then he was just going to be done. Wash his hands of all of us. He threatened suicide, which was the first of many times he used that tactic to manipulate me. I was younger than 10 years old. Been afraid of him since I can remember. Of course I believed he would do it. And he fully made me believe that it would be because of me. Imagine being a kid feeling like you killed your own father because he made you think it was because of you if it ever did happen.
I will fast foward and say that he and I did end up resolving our issues as adults. He changed a lot. That story is too long for this post. I mentioned the above to say that he passed away in September 2021. I always lived to be his "good boy". His "son". He never really changed much in thinking that no one loved him, and he was so proud of me as a son. It was one of the small joys that was in his life. I told my dad in my 20s that I was bisexual, and we had an honest talk about that, and he accepted me and accepted that. But I'll never forget what he said after though. We had just had this heartfelt talk about how I liked both sexes, and he said he occassionally found himself attracted to guys, so he kinda got it. And he loved me. And I was his son. Then he said, "God, just don't let him wear a dress." i literally felt deflated inside. Just like, "Well, fuck. Ok. I guess there's only so much he can handle at a time. I'll just keep that to myself for now." That "for now" turned into another 20 years. I was his son until he passed.
That's weighed on me a lot. My mom, dad, all my grandparents, and almost all immedate family, except an uncle I hardly see and my sister, are all dead. I felt obligated to be a good son for my dad and my mom. I'm not obligated to anyone anymore. They're gone. I lived for them. I did my best anyway. I don't have to live for anyone anymore. Even knowing that, I still haven't straight up said the one thing that I've know for over 20 years. I haven't admitted it to myself or said it outloud or shared with anyone really.
I've been ultra emotional the last few weeks. Just moments of completely breaking down and crying, and it seemed to me for no reason, but I knew. I know. I'm still really struggling inside, but I know why, and I know I'll be okay. Because what I'm struggling with is breaking this shell I've built up around me. The one that's stopped me from saying the one thing I should have said 20 years ago. The one that keeps me from really being free and happy. And I know it's time to break that shell and live me life and accept the consequences and the rewards, because I've always said I wanted one thing in a partner. Brutal honesty. Even if it hurts. Well, I'm a partner with myself, and I've been lying to myself for a long, long time. And I don't know the full extent or the full journey or where it ends, but there is one thing I know, and I haven't said it. It never felt truly right. It felt like I was faking and being an imposter. But I know I have to say it to myself first before I can say it to anyone else.
I'm trans.
I literally just started typing what was sure to be a list of a million reasons meant to convince myself that it's okay to say that. I stopped. I don't need to justify saying that. I need to accept it. Not logic it into existence. Trans is what I am. It's always been what I am. I knew it for a long, long time. The million reasons meant to convince me only convinced me to stay closeted and bury those feelings. I've lived life well enough to this point, but I always knew. It's time to be who I am. The best part is it's kind of terrifying. It's terrifying going through a second puberty and literally figuring out my identity all over again. But that's also the best part. I get to figure out who I've always been but never allowed myself to be. I've always conformed and fallen in line and tried to be a good boy. Which is ironic given how stubborn I am and how often I question everything and don't give a fuck about rules. I don't care about rules, but I sure as hell fell victim to compliance and social pressure. Well, if I'm strong enough to break this shell that I've built up for 20+ years, then I'm strong enough to handle whatever anyone can throw at me.
I have an appointment on Monday at an informed consent clinic so I can begin HRT. I've been looking forward to it since I made the appointment. Even when I scheduled, I still didn't tell myself I was trans. Just that I was going to take the hormones because I need to know. For years I've needed to know if estrogen felt right. Because my body sure doesn't feel right as it is. I had a thought that finally broke that last littler barrier that kept me in the shell. I was still making excuses of how I can start HRT and no one will ever really notice any changes anyway, so why come out? Why start dressing as a girl when I have a full beard and look like a man? There's no need to draw that kind of attention or make people uncomfortable at work or in public. So I'll just take my hormones and be happy on the inside. Then the thought occurred that finally broke me and made me realize the truth.
What if they didn't prescribe me hormones?!
This clinic is well known for gender affirming and informed consent care. It's almost certain they will, but when I thought about what if they didn't, I panicked. Literally. I just broke down and started crying and felt so desperate. In my mind I was already pleading with the doctor. Please. Let me just start. I'll begin therapy after if I need to, but please don't make me wait a year for therapy or something. That's what was going on in my mind. Just sheer panic and desperation. It was pretty obvious to me why I felt that way. That lifeline I had been seeking is right in front of me, and if it gets snatched away, then I'll have to just continue on as I am, but I don't want to. For the first time in a long, long time, I have hope. More importantly, regardless of what happens on Monday, I have acceptance. I'll be okay. No matter what. Even if it takes time, that's okay. I have the rest of my life. My appearance does not change who I am or what I am. I have to transform on the inside before I can transform on the outside. That process took 41 years of my life. I'll be okay waiting a few more days for my body to catch up with who I am inside.
Tags: Trans,Acceptance
May 10, 2023
Hormones, balance, and individuality
I thought I would share some recent changes that I've made to my hormone regimine. Mainly because at first glance / thought it would seem to be a contradictory approach to my goals.My provider wants my estrogen levels to be near 200 pg/ml as the standard. My results have been 227 pg/ml, 254 pg/ml, 212 pg/ml, etc... Basically between 200 and 250. They have been fine with this, and all had been going pretty well (results being from September, 2024 to March, 2025).
Testosterone is considered suppressed if the levels are under 50 ng/dl. In the same timeframe as the estrogen my testosterone was 46 ng/dl, 25ng/dl, and 19 ng/dl.
I was very excited to see the testosterone numbers start to drop. My partner's testosterone is so low it doesn't even register. It's literally "undetectable". I felt upset at first when my numbers were still near 50, so I thought with them getting closer to 0 that I would start feeling more girly. More womanly. Something along those lines that would be affirming.
That's not what happened though. When my testosterone dipped into the mid to low teens I really felt a major drop in sexual interest. I felt asexual entirely. @NoelleCharm, @Miseria, and I have a very loving, balanced, equal throuple relationship. Miseria would come over for date night, and I would mentally and emotionally want to have sex and be intimate with my partners. My body was absolutely not having it. It was fully shut down sexually.
Noelle kept telling me how she adjusted and she's still horny and has sexual interest, and that I was probably adjusting too. However, I had been adjusted. I was fine. When my testosterone was in the 40s, I was loving sex. I was having plenty of girly orgasms with no ejaculate. Just full body, nearly minute long, intense orgasms. I love sex, and I love feeling my partners, and I was pretty sad that I was unable to enjoy something that had never been an issue before. I felt like I had lost control over part of my body.
In response, I took a drastic action to find an answer. I (in a previous life) used to do testosterone shots for hormone replacement therapy. I only ever had one functional testicle, and my testosterone levels were always at a bare minimal of the male spectrum. I still had a few vials of usable testosterone that I saved when I switched to estrogen. I decided I would do a "small" dose of testosterone to see if it would increase my sex drive again.
The shot was not that small of a dose as it turns out. I was full on dude bro mode for about three weeks. It was way more masculinization than I wanted. My sex drive was higher for sure. That was a success. It was too high. I was like a teenage boy again fighting puberty urges. I didn't feel dysphoric per se, but I wasn't feeling girly or womanly at all. My girlfriend can attest to the mood and attitude changes.
I did have sex with my partners. That goal was accomplished, but I was way too aggressive and way too rough. There was none of the sensual build up that we all love. There wasn't the intimate connection. I was fucking. Plain and simple.
The balance in my hormones were way off. I could physically feel that. I've been in the pharmacy field for 25 years. In my infinite wisdom of such matters I decided another estrogen shot would balance things out. All of this was a mere three weeks before my labs were being done again.
My lab results this time was estrogen at 453 pg/ml and testosterone at 96 ng/dl. This was nearly double on both accounts. The risk to estrogen higher than the standard 200 (250ish really) was increase chance of blood clots and complacations to that. The testosterone was no longer suppressed, so those effects were taking over as well. I felt very all out of balance and out of sync for a few weeks.
I followed up with my doctor and told them what I had done and why. They then understood the very anomalous lab results. I explained I wanted to increase libido but without testosterone. Maybe Wellbutrin or something? They said that is a good option for someone on SSRIs and the side effects of those reducing libido. Otherwise it doesn't do much. The only option they really had was testosterone.
I finally acquiesced when they said it would be a compounded low dose cream. Just 12.5mg instead of the nearly 200mg I injected myself with. It would be used every two to three days or even just as needed when I wanted to feel arousal. It would be applied directly to my bits so it would not impact me systematically.
I have been using the cream every other day for a few weeks now, and I have this very low level arousal almost all the time. It's pretty great just feeling "primed" for sex and having fun but not being so driven mad with lust that I can't control it. Everything feels very balanced.
Hormones can be very sensitive to discuss with other trans people. I know I personally compared myself to my girlfriend and others. I thought my numbers needed to be closer to other's numbers. It took me going rogue to find out that the numbers for someone else doesn't mean anything for my own journey and goals. A little testosterone in my system was the perfect balance for me.
That's my point in this is sharing that we can get caught up with the numbers on paper. We can lose sight of ourselves when we constantly hold up who we are against someone else. We are not anyone but ourselves. Embrace your own individuality. Learn what works FOR YOU. Be THAT person. Be YOU. It can be hard because I know many of us feel imposter syndrome and like we have to be this or that. Nope. Not true.
If you are trans, gender non-conforming, questioning in any way at all, look to others for support, guidance, stories, anything that might help you find the stepping stones for your path. That path is yours. What feels right and balanced to you may be completely different than anyone else.You are different than anyone else. Embrace it.
Always work with your medical provider who assists in the journey. Don't be shy to talk about needing sexual desire if your libido dropped. They understand. My provider suggested what they did because many other trans girls felt the same way and had positive results with the compounded cream.
I am glad others before me spoke up and shared their concerns. That is why I share this. Someone may be feeling imabalanced and think they just have to live with it so they don't rock the boat or upset their provider. Providers have seen and heard it all before, and if they are supporting you this far in HRT and your gender care, they will do so in all areas. Trust yourself and trust the process and enjoy the journey.
Tags: HRT,Trans,Gender Identity,Healthcare,Sexual Health
Jun 28, 2025
- Dołączono
- 21 Mar 2023
First post I've seen in here for a while (needed a mental break from troonacy), and this is what I see. Good to be back because what the flying fuck is any of that, especially that first pooner picture
Another one that set off my fight or flight response. I will never understand why people are completely fine with putting all this degeneracy online for anyone to see, I don't understand whatever these mental illnesses are.
- Dołączono
- 6 Cze 2025
Haven’t posted this in a while:
Of course there are exceptions to the rule, but note the fat, especially in his legs, not prevalent compared to a bio female. Funny enough, when I was getting these images I came across a pooner:
I don’t like posting nearly naked ppl, but to prove a point, look at the fat in her upper legs compared to her torso, the male stripper has the opposite of this fat distribution.
Well, they can stop talking about muh science because the concept of transgenderism is inherently gnostic/alchemical because they believe their body is a prison and they want to transform their body/material form to reflect their “true self” within. Base metal into gold. Also the concept of cracking a ‘pre trans’ person’s egg and making them aware/enlightened about their transness has parallels to Greek Orphic Mystery cults.
So yeah, you don’t have to play along with this especially in America because of your first amendment rights and freedom of religion.
Ostatnio edytowane:
Comfy Summer
kiwifarms.net
- Dołączono
- 20 Maj 2025
How is it even possible to get to this level of degeneracy and depravity? Wtf.
- Dołączono
- 8 Lis 2018
Choose your fighter!
Rotter
kiwifarms.net
- Dołączono
- 23 Paź 2020
- Dołączono
- 16 Mar 2024
moderator of r/butchlesbians and brave crusader for trans rights PinkWhiteAndBlue has dared utter the obvious truth that men cannot be lesbian. Unfortunately not by joining the voice of reason on the side of TTD, but by banning transmen from their subreddit
"if you want to cut you tits of and still like women you need to got hang out with the heterosexuals you dumb bitches"
This ostensible respectful act of taking women larping as men at face value and then kicking them out of subreddit not meant for men was ofc immediatily take as what it is, another step in the terf pertrated tranny holocaust:
The men in dresses at r/lgbt have take the chance to remind everyone how much they don't like women, not even questioning the OPs complete lack of elaboration on what the situation is atually about and just assuming its them being attacked and not the women in cargo shorts.
On the women's side of things there's a different missrepresentation going on. shifting the conversation to he/him lesbians (ignoring the men part)
there is many more words there (a women wrote the post after all) but the best part is the "TERFs trying to falsely categorize trans men as lesbians" line. Ofc agreeing with our original sinner PinkWhiteAndBlue that trans men are not lesbian. Now the ftm mods had to make this post because, contary to their claim, they're not a space for any and all sorts of larping women:
according to this user, you actually have to commit to the bit to be accepted there and that just not acceptable: After all, most queer women aren't pooners, but women like this :
wo value their womanly appearance very much but just want use different labels.
Now this has been a lot of words (and i didn't screenshot most of the whinging) but it comes with one core message: Anyone and everyone can be a lesbian, its a womens space after all and those belong to everyone. Especially people like PinkWhiteAndBlue, who, as the keen eyed oned have long guessed, is a dude
"if you want to cut you tits of and still like women you need to got hang out with the heterosexuals you dumb bitches"
This ostensible respectful act of taking women larping as men at face value and then kicking them out of subreddit not meant for men was ofc immediatily take as what it is, another step in the terf pertrated tranny holocaust:
The men in dresses at r/lgbt have take the chance to remind everyone how much they don't like women, not even questioning the OPs complete lack of elaboration on what the situation is atually about and just assuming its them being attacked and not the women in cargo shorts.
On the women's side of things there's a different missrepresentation going on. shifting the conversation to he/him lesbians (ignoring the men part)
there is many more words there (a women wrote the post after all) but the best part is the "TERFs trying to falsely categorize trans men as lesbians" line. Ofc agreeing with our original sinner PinkWhiteAndBlue that trans men are not lesbian. Now the ftm mods had to make this post because, contary to their claim, they're not a space for any and all sorts of larping women:
according to this user, you actually have to commit to the bit to be accepted there and that just not acceptable: After all, most queer women aren't pooners, but women like this :
wo value their womanly appearance very much but just want use different labels.
Now this has been a lot of words (and i didn't screenshot most of the whinging) but it comes with one core message: Anyone and everyone can be a lesbian, its a womens space after all and those belong to everyone. Especially people like PinkWhiteAndBlue, who, as the keen eyed oned have long guessed, is a dude
Załączniki
Procopius
kiwifarms.net
- Dołączono
- 30 Gru 2022
I wonder how long this comment will last
I've spoilered the photo because it's NSFW, but do these people not realise that we immediately recognise which is the male and which the female butt.
- Dołączono
- 11 Sty 2023
When residents or officials in Hyderabad use the term "counseling" in the context of the hijra (transgender) community, it is rarely used in the clinical, therapeutic sense you might find in a mental health professional's office.
Instead, it functions as a bureaucratic and social euphemism. Here is what that usually looks like in practice:
1. Police Admonition
In most cases, "counseling" refers to a formal session at a police station. Rather than a therapy session, it is a stern warning. The police bring in individuals or groups and "counsel" them on the legal consequences of public nuisance, extortion, or aggressive begging under the Indian Penal Code.2. Behavioral Correction
There is often a subtext of "socializing" the individuals to conform to mainstream public behavior. The "counselors" (often police officers or NGO workers) tell them to stop specific behaviors—such as clapping loudly, using abusive language, or demanding fixed sums at weddings and traffic lights—under the threat of detention. Sometimes beatings are included at this point.3. Rehabilitation vs. Policing
While some NGOs use the term to mean vocational training and helping people exit "bad" situations, when the general public calls for it, they are usually asking for:- Removal from public spaces.
- Enforcement of laws against "extortion" (which the community often views as their traditional right to badhai or tips).
- Surveillance to ensure they don't return to certain neighborhoods.
- Dołączono
- 4 Kwi 2021
Maybe jeets aren’t so bad after all. Honestly, as much of a bleeding heart as I am, I do recognize that in a lot of areas our focus on “humane” treatment and peaceful resolution of issues simply doesn’t always work. There are a lot of people who are just bad seeds and need to be removed from society.
- Dołączono
- 11 Sty 2023
'The Brine Pot- A Pickle Post Repository'
- Dołączono
- 6 Mar 2022
holy shit the bio females body is laughably feminine, she could have been a normal woman. Sad
- Dołączono
- 12 Lut 2024
There is no accounting for taste but to be honest I think this is just cope because that's what T is doing to their bodies LMAO.
Almost everyone who fixates on things you wouldn't usually find attractive does so because they understand that is what is achievable for them, so they romanticize it. If T didn't make their hair fall out and make them all greasy and easy to put on weight, do you really think they'd complain? If they turned into a pretty boy or fitness model would they be all "shucks, I preferred the slobby uncle who yells at his TV?" Nah.
- Dołączono
- 4 Sty 2020
I get you, and I'll chalk that up to have of it for sure. But as a long time internet gorl, it is both. You have to go to the autism epicenters of fandom and women's spaces to find it, but it is there. And the most autistic/weird are the type of women to poon out. Don't forget it.