As all of us Kiwis know, there is a near 100% chance that Chantal has been at the trap house for the past three nights. However, I have yet to see mention of a pretty important detail. A detail that you will find within our dramatic reimagining of the events of today, January 26 year of our gunt, 0008.
“There is nothing wrong with your computer screen. Do not attempt to adjust the picture. We are controlling transmission. We will control the horizontal. We will control the vertical. We can change the focus to a soft blur, or sharpen it to crystal clarity. For the next few moments, sit quietly and we will control all that you see and read. You are about to participate in a great adventure. You are about to experience the awe and mystery, which reaches from the
inner smoothest mind to the outer limits of personality disorders.”
Lights fade up to our Narrator.
Prologue
Two households, both alike in dignity,
(In fair Gatinau, where we lay our scene),
From weeks-old grudge break to new malignity,
Where awful food makes tar-stained hands unclean.
Betwixt the dripping loins of these two foes
This pair of star-crossed lovers writhe in lust,
Whose misadventured piteous overthrows
Doth with their streams bury their subscribers’ trust.
Act I
Our heroine had been planning this day for weeks. She knew her subscribers were expecting a blow-out beeze, nothing like they had ever experienced. A 12-hour stream would suffice, filled with activities, both naughty and nice. But first, to the vet BBJ must go, or distrust from her viewers, her actions would sow.
~10:30 AM
Chantal: **
Squaaaawwwk** I slept in - again!!!
Nader: Shush, or you get ze broom! My head hurting from all ze party favours you brought over. And is not “sleeping in” if do it always. Besides your VIBs are eejiuts!
Chantal: But I swore I was going to take BBJ to the vet. Then again, I do promise that every few weeks… Oh well, I’ll just make a community post. I’m sure they won’t remember that I promised to come on last night anyway.
Act II
Picture, if you will, a bowling ball, with George Costanza’s head on top, frantically driving far enough from the trap house to go live from an “anonymous” location, running over small animals and curbs along the way.
~12:30
Chantal: I suppose I might as well start my 12 hour stream. After all, it’s already going to be after midnight by the time I can wrap it up.
~12:41
Lurches up to Starbucks drive-thru window, red-faced and raging. The cashier opens the window to be met with this face, gaping back at her.
Cashier: That will be $15.73 sir- oh sorry, I mean, ma’am.
Chantal: Can you believe them?!?!
Cashier: I’m sorry, ma’am, I don’t know what you’re talking about. Your pink drinks - the total comes to $15.73.
Chantal: My VIBs! They think that just because they pay 5 bucks a month, they have the right to hold ME accountable!!! Well, I’m not having it! I promised them 12 hours? Well let’s see how they feel now that they don’t even get 12 minutes!!!
Cashier: Ma’am, I’m still not sure what you mean, but you’re holding up the line…
Chantal:
Driving away after finally paying She totally wanted me.
Act III
The semi-mobile bowling ball stomps up the stairs to the Luxury Villa. Out of breath, angry, and coming down hard, she is met by her pet homunculus.
~1:20
Peetz: Oh hey, you’re finally home. Ready to take BBJ to the vet now?
Chantal: Uh, Peetz, I know you’re slow, but you gotta be out of your goddamned mind if you think I’m taking that cat to the fucking vet! I’m gonna lie, like I always do, take a wet-wipe shower, take a bunch of edibles, and head back to Nader’s, where a real man is waiting for me!
Peetz: Um, um, um, that’s kinda ablist and a bit mysog-
Chantal: One more fucking word out of your mouth, and I’m cutting off your internet! That’s right - no more ponies!
Peetz: Yes, ma’am,
Act IV
The bowling ball, blasted out of her smooth mind, rolls erratically to the door of the trap house. She doesn’t know which way is up and can barely keep her trotters under her bulk.
Late afternoon
Nader: What are you doing here?
Chantal: I’m only here to apologize, it will only take a moment!
Nader: Den why you bring whole filming rig to strap to ze table?
They both wink, laugh, and embrace each other. Dollar signs and crack rocks floating around their heads.
Nader: What did you tell them?
Chantal:
*Giggling* That I cant handle talking about you, that as a strong domestic abuse survivor it is triggering to me to even think about a place we were suppose to go one day!
Nader: And dey bought zhat?
Chantal: Of course! They don’t suspect us in the slightest. I even told them I’d only have time for family!
Nader: Great, You grab broom and I grab ze Coconut oil!
Act V
Both our heroes sit shocked and high in his disheveled room. CPAP parts and dirty, flag-sized underwear are strewn around the room. Despite their brilliant, impervious plan, it seems they have been busted, and now they sit, discussing what to do about their situation.
~10:00
Chantal: They think we both lied now! You said I wasn’t ever here, and I had been denying being here for days! And they saw me with no filter!!! What- what are we going to do??
Nader: Shut up! I have a plan.
Chantal: You always do, honey. Our brains always work best when we’re stoned. What is it? Claim it was a deep-fake?
Nader: I tell dem you drove home.
Chantal: Th- that’s all? But, but, they saw I was so high that I couldn’t stand up!
Nader: Shush. Your viewers dumb. We’re very smart. Dey never catch dat detail.
Chantal: Oh, that’s perfect! We’ll deflect from my being here by claiming
I drove home completely smashed!
Fin.
Lights down, curtains close.